Faith in times of dryness

... in all sense requires more prayerful moments even when words are scarce. I am in this moment, have missing gaps in my prayers eventhough my heart swells with endless things to pray for, and yet I do not know where and how to begin.

This dryness amidst of my faith, has seeped into my mind and heart, in which I did not want to admit, is actually a stumbling block - pride. Such great pride I have, and so little perseverence I have eventhough I'm a great believer of perseverance.

At this point of my life, I am struggling with how much I need to learn about humility. How much lacking I am of expressing my love and kindness to those around me. I'm saddened by this, this lack of expression. I used to be filled with expressions, has it all been lost in my idleness of mind and hands?

Life has not been hard, but the trivialities have magnified itself and sown unhealthy seeds in both my mind and heart. All stemmed from being judged and my judgmental ways towards myself. My fear of losing my footing is great, and finding myself having less control over my life as in how I'd like it to be doesn't comfort me. I've never been in this situation, and perhaps this is a small scale, a miniscule scale of what I can relate to the book of Job. I need God so much, yet I can't express myself in my prayers. How ironic.

Strange, but I believe if God has placed me in this situation, this very experience of unexplanable dryness and lack of control has pushed me to pray prayers of no words, I've read so many testimonies, that God is working in those at such time in preparation for them to face a bigger job in His Will. I have this premonition, feel it in my bones that a time will come where my mind will reel in busy-ness and I will be once again be normalised to my upbeated self. I'd like to lose the old contented cow-self within me, the living-in-a-bubble world where I will not get up till someone pricks my bubble.

Contentedness isn't always good, and I know its consequenes. My works must once again begin, and I have begun my promise of a pledge in the old days. to serve, and to serve, it begins from the home.

Overjoyed that I am now, to be able to attend the studies on St. Paul's letters with my love, and yet I've not begun my walk in faith in togetherness with my love. We walk in faith, but at different pace. We're not in sync, but I know we'll soon be in sync. I have not lost hope because I know he loves God, and longs for God's grace. No different from me. In this sense, we're in sync.

How melancholy and inconsistent I sound, yet I have a quiet joy within because I have endless hope. To have faith, I have the birth of hope. To give birth to hope, I have the road of perseverance ahead of me. I'm still learning, learning in times of dryness.

Chick flicks - love em' all!

Sex & the City (the movie) - love it!! That's the latest chick flick I've delved into. This movie is definitely not something a bloke would savour, but it's really something that most women would enjoy - why? It's because the characters' experiences would still fuse down to the same emotions that every woman has felt deeply before in relationships - happiness, disappointment, worries etc eventhough the experiences may be different types.

Finding love and meaningful relationships were all that these characters were looking for - very American, as there's more to life than just relationships of course, but I suppose as survival has it, we're all our mother's daughters... we want to have a partner for life and children to call 'ours' or 'our family' one day. Whether it happens or not, every woman has dabbled along the lines, tasted the joys and let-downs in search for a happy ending which is oh-so-stereotyped.

Still, I've been hooked on the episodes in the past because firstly, it was entertaining. Secondly, the one-liners are funny... and of course, some of the lines provoked a woman's thoughts as well. Thirdly, a woman's life and thoughts can be one big adventure alone! Being woman, and being able to empathise and understand some of the happiness, and disappointments in and of relationships, I've poured into the episodes and did my bit on couch potato-ing - it's worthed it!

Back to the movie... my hubby has made it clear that the movie ain't his cup of tea. With no girlfriends for girlie activities in this part of the world that I've moved to, I know that it's going to be a movie that I just have to watch all by myself. Awww, I miss my girlies back in KL dearly! Pathetic, yes, but life must go on?

Seriously, at this age and time, I'm just going to get on with what I feel like doing - sometimes I think too much and become a worry wart, but sometimes I just throw caution in the wind and go with my gut feelings. Yes, emotions speaking again, haha! Oh, that's what the movie is all about - go with your gut feelings... a woman's antennas / intuition... or whatever you want to name it. You learn from them all... every decision has its consequences. Cest la vie!

Speaking of guts, I sometimes think that men do not have the guts to watch such movies because it hits them squarely in the face as in how they've treated their women in the past, or even now. Even the Samantha Jones character have let her emotions ruled in spite of her cold, cold ways in dealing with blokes at most times over the past episodes.

I've even shed tears at several parts of the movie. Particularly when the Auld Lang Syne song was sung with many montages of the characters celebrating / tolerating yet another new year. Then I felt the emotions of disappointment portrayed by Carrie Bradshaw who was in a way, jilted by Big. Not that I have the experience of being jilted, but I can imagine myself going mad if I was in the Carrie Bradshaw character's shoes. I felt my anger rising when Big had his moments of cold feet leading up to the wedding. Then I felt the deep disappointment of Carrie going through her healing in Mexico where her bosom friends have swept her off to... the endless crying, and feeling of never wanting to wake up again and thinking that she's having a nightmare - the fine lines of being in-between worlds - surreal. This, anger and disappointment, I've faced before, and it hit a raw nerve in me that turned on the taps in my eyes.

My hubs had a major cold feet just a couple of months before the wedding. I swear, I've grown 10 years older due to that. Yup, lines that were never there before just turned up on my face and my eyes. Do men know of such, maybe they do but they chose to compartmentalise and look the other way or rather just shrug it off coldly that 'she'll survive and get over it'? Well, my experience tells that that most blokes would have no clue or in denial... can't handle emotions. Yup.

I've waited for my one love of a lifetime for ages - waited and tolerated. Not that I go with the same lines of the movie as in 'going to NY to find love'... I definitely did not head off to KL to find love, I was there for a better paying job, my freedom and of course, my privacy. Likewise in NY, no one's bothered with another's life, your friends are your family. So true as portrayed in the movie that a woman must keep her good girlfriends, and nurture them and cherish them. I have my set of girlfriends, and I remember pouring my heart out and crying endlessly and feel much better later when they've comforted me. At times of such, who wants hard facts of 'logical thinking'? I want empathy and tact - a touch of care and some good listening to. Doesn't take much, does it?

Well, today's chick flick really made my day and make me appreciate that I will always have my good girlfriends to live by eventhough they are hundreds to thousands of kilometers away.

Women - I celebrate myself for being one, and I'm glad to have deep emotions to feel by and to live by. What's the meaning in life when one slogs on in the world without emotions? Thanks to all chick flicks - makes me feel I'm not alone with just my emotions, it's universal! :D

Haunting pasts...

...was this big discussion that I had with several long-lost-but-found hometown friends. Everyone had their bits of stories and explanations to the past as in why they did this and that, and versions of 'what actually happened'. Some ask trying questions to see what's one's response, but what's the motive? Hmm...

The connection between old friends is all about re-enacting many things of the past while weaving it into digest-able stories. Perhaps there's some memorates involved, changing the facts a little as in a way to reason with the psyche of the story-teller.

So, the little me had my usual advice to my old friends... that is to just let go of the past and move on. After all, we are now living the future and not in the past. Easier said than done, of course, however it's the best piece of advice to help pacify and comfort the story-teller(s).

How I meant as a story-teller doesn't mean it's all about woven fibs, but it's all about things of the past that can no longer change. The change is to move on with things, and that is to take action in moving forward instead of paddling backwards with 'if I could turn back the clock, I'd do this and that'... fact of the matter is that it's over and done with, and life goes on.

Life as it is, is full of sad things if we want to focus on the negatives. It seems that the best formula is to focus on the positives and make the best out of it by applying to a current situation. I preach this, but sometimes I catch myself in the act of not walking the talk. Why? It's because I'm human and like all counsellors, you are able to counsel others but can't counsel yourself. Just like doctors who can't heal themselves. It's a fact. Why again? It's because when you are dealing with yourself, there's too much at emotions that get in the way, unless one is able to completely compartmentalise facts from emotions by taking oneself out of the equation and look at things from a 3rd party viewpoint. It works, but takes a lot of psyching oneself up for it.

I myself, sometimes get stuck in time warp in regards to pasts, and find the back of my eyes stinging with bitter tears and heart burning with anger, and my head throbs for answers... you know, all those works of the mind. Likewise, my old friends felt the same when they were confiding in me. Airing the past sometimes clears the air. A sign of healing from a past. All pasts whether perceived to be good or bad has to be categorised as 'good for us' before we could move on. Afterall, we didn't lose our lives during those trying times.

Whatever it is, it's all water under the bridge. We have today because of our past. Gotta go through trying times with all that doesn't add sparkle to life to finally come across the diamonds that will add value to life. Well, we can't get where we are today if we didn't learn from those dog-eared pasts. Peace and a mental handshake with the past. R.I.P. to all that past, you shall haunt no one no more.

I do, I do, I do

I used to sing this ABBA song when I was a child and never thought of it seriously as in the depth of its meaning and never rubbished it as nonsensical. As I grew older and belted out the song several times in Karaoke sessions, I realised that the song has nothing to do with marriage or 'real love' ... and to have heard it played at several wedding receptions, I'm aghast and agawked at how little attention people put into their choice of songs. Well, I made sure that it will never be played at my wedding :).

Speaking of choice of songs, I am a mixed bag in listening to songs as well... but am usually a sucker for easy-to-the-ears type of tunes as well and ignore lyrics at times till it dawns on me one fine day when applied to situations/experiences in life. Sometimes I magnify the lyrics of songs eventho I love the tune.

As for our recent wedding, I had some un-wedding songs which I planned for the wedding as well - yes, I overlooked the lyrics! Thanks to my other half, he had zoomed into the minute details of the lyrics sung and cancelled out a few of my tastefully tuneful songs (tho the lyrics were not the best-suited for weddings!). But... but... there are a few songs where he overlooked as well :D. Aren't we great partners, cancelling off each other's songs for the wedding? Well, we are great partners, truly, we came to an agreement and played all the songs that we love, in joint agreement.

Speaking of joint agreement, that's what commitment and living a life in togetherness is all about. To compromise. It's not as one-sided as it's depicted in the ABBA song. Now that I've already walked the down the aisle and said my "I dos", I'm just clocking in the time - I've been married for a quarter of a year (soon to be, anyway... *screams*). Ok, it's out...I just can't keep track of the time, sometimes :D. Of course, I wonder who else thinks like me... probably a lot of people do, hmm?

Consider all things of the past that brought me today, I'm happy where I am now, love my hubby to bits and pieces, and of course glad to wave all the past misgivings goodbye. Now, here's the lyrics to that ABBA song, please laugh with me :D:

Love me or leave me, make your choice but believe me
I love you
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do
I can't conceal it, don't you see, can't you feel it?
Don't you too?
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

Oh, I've been dreaming through my lonely past
Now I just made it, I found you at last

So come on, now lets try it, I love you, can't deny it
cos it's true
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

Oh, no hard feelings between you and me
If we can't make it, but just wait and see

So come on, now lets try it, I love you, can't deny it
cos it's true
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do
So love me or leave me, make your choice but believe me
I love you
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do
I can't conceal it, don't you see, can't you feel it?
Don't you too?
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

Goodbye fire piggie year and hello you rat!

It is not just 2008 now, but the second month of 2008. Chinese New Year is again just around the corner! Whoah, time flies! I don't have enough time in a day to get all my things done and yet I'm sitting in front of the PC hyperventilating away - bizarre... perhaps I'm just disorganised, or is just too laid back to lift a finger/to hurry about.

Here I am, just 19 days to the big day, and I'm as frumpy as ever, sad. I'd probably just bounce down the aisle instead of gliding gracefully along to say 'I do'. Ok, ok, I've watched too much Ally McBeal and have an over-active imagination. Can I help myself? Darn it, no... because the mirror screams back "you're a hog" all the time.

Hog or no hog, the year of the fire boar/pig/oink or whatever you call it is officially over at the turn of the Chinese lunar calendar - end of the 12 year cycle of the Chinese animal zodiac. It's now back to the beginning of the cycle, the rat - the earth rat. All in all, fat or thin, I'm still happy! Shock! Horror!

So, tonight, the net is bogged down with all sorts of fengshui sites and Chinese zodiac compatibilities, and also the 'element' attached to the 12 year cycle. I didn't know I was born as a 'metal pig' and my love as a 'fire goat':

THE METAL PIG

Outspoken and confident, Metal Pigs give 110% for everything they do. They throw themselves into relationships with others completely, sometimes to a fault. These Pigs are headstrong and diligent in the workplace, honest and caring in a relationship and trustworthy with everyone he/she meets unless given reason not to be. Metal Pigs usually give people more credit than they deserve but when challenged can be a hard nut to crack.

ARIES PIG

Full of energy and vive, these are affectionate lovers. They hunger for responsibility both mentally and physically.

THE FIRE SHEEP

Fire Sheep are not as likely to get their feelings hurt nor are they as likely to desire the approval of others as typical Sheep are. They are capable of taking care of themselves, standing up for themselves and putting themselves first. They are vivacious and charismatic, preferring theater to any of the other arts. Fire Sheep generally enjoy a tight circle of friends and family and enjoy the social limelight.

CANCERIAN SHEEP

Kind, genuine and gentle, these Sheep display as much the power to give love as the need to get love. They can pressure themselves about being able to support their families, but always put family first.

After being completely amused by this site, I zoomed into our specific birthdates for a 'test of compatibility in this site, and what I got was really heartwarming:

"The male Goat and the female Pig will be more than happy to give each other the space to pursue their own interests, without being so distant that the relationship self-destructs in the starting gate. Both of these aesthetically gifted individuals appreciate the finer things in life and the arts and will find much to praise in each other's company. The female Pig is a fount of advice that may help to bring the male Goat back to reality once in a while, while he, in turn, can give her a broader perspective and keep their shared life interesting. The Goat's occasional fits of temper, whether justified or not, can be calmed by the cheerful and pragmatic Pig, and she can always provoke a smile. This duo can be very healthy for each other, which explains its durability in the face of time."

In another site, I typed in the same birthdates, and I have the following prints, "Goat & Pig You are a match made in Heaven. You are inspired, and kindred spirits..." Awww....so cute!

Well, it doesn't matter whether the year of the pig is over and the year of the rat is beginning, this year of 2008 is still my year as I'm going to marry the love of my life! Happy little piglet me, and oh, you lucky, lucky old goat :D.

Passing on

The year 2007 had carted off two of my father's siblings, both claimed by cancer. Another Aunt now sufferened a stroke and is left for time as she lies in a coma. This has been a harsh year for my father and his siblings. The slap of reality is that they are too, in line for the unavoidable and unpredictable fate - death.

Aggie sent me the web pictures for Uncle Cheong's funeral more than a month ago, and I have refused to open it... in fear of being terribly depressed upon viewing. Aggie has been prodding me to look at it and I honestly told her of my fears. The weeks passed me by, and I finally found the courage revisit the email again to look at the pictures. True enough, eventhough enough time has passed, I still felt as sad as I first heard of the sad news. I couldn't stop the hot tears from pooling in my eyes.

I see Papa in the pictures - he played the role of pinning the symbol of mourning onto Uncle Cheong's children and grandchildren's sleeves. It was a really sad sight, and I know it must have torn Papa's heart to pieces. One of the pictures even caught Papa crying, and another one of Khin Ko Ko crying, followed by one of Heung Ko Ko crying as well. It is moments of such, where you see grown men cry.

I see all the women - my Aunts, my mother, my cousins, my nephews and nieces... all of them stood by their husbands, siblings and children... all gathered in mourning. It is a time where everyone's at peace where grudges and disagreements were set aside.

I see all the ready-made tombs that are awaiting for the rest of my father's siblings and spouses to eventually fill up, inclusive of my very own parents' too... knowing this, I broke down all over again like I first heard my father informing me that he had the tombs for mother & himself made so that all of us as his children, will not have to worry about where to bury them when the time comes. Just like that, they are prepared for death, and they've chosen their physical resting place. There'll be a day in the future that I will be there too to bury my parents too.

I've yet to stop crying whenever I think of my parents' future death, as I feel that it will be very hard for me to accept that day. I remind myself that Jesus will be by their side when the day comes, and death on earth is not the final death till the second coming of Christ.

I will miss Uncle Cheong... Aunt Fung... as I have fond memories of them. Uncle Cheong, over the years had fought hard to survive colon cancer. He did well as he survived more than 5 years. Being the middle child amongst 10 siblings, Uncle Cheong was very bitter when he was diagnosed of cancer but by God's Grace, all signs of cancer were rid of after rounds of chemotherapy. When his cancer relapsed after a couple of years, he was even more embittered to the point of being unconsolable. He questioned God, questioned even his loved ones and siblings, he even resolved to questioning anyone he could get hold of "WHY ME?"... He didn't want to be the first sibling to go, afterall he's not even the oldest, and his time should not come yet. He was just not ready.

Soon after, Aunt Fung was diagnosed of acute Leukemia, just like that, overnight. Leukemia came with a big bang, and the Yong family relived the days of Grandpa's sufferings - he had Leukemia too. Aunt Fung was less fortunate in comparison to Uncle Cheong, she didn't make it past the 10 month mark. Uncle Cheong cried bitterly when Aunt Fung died as he felt he was the one who made that drastic wish that he doesn't want to be the first to go, instead, his youngest sister took his place as the first sibling to go.

I remember saying to Uncle Muk Yaw that Aunt Fung no longer feels pain, as she's with Jesus now. Likewise, I said of the same to Aunt Len Tshin, that Uncle Cheong is with Jesus. Still, easier said than done, we are flawed humans who are attached to the physical presence of our lived ones. However, by faith and the Grace of God, we should let go and pass our loved ones on to Jesus.

The nights where both my Aunt and Uncle died, I prayed hard for God's intercession, that both of them will be forgiven for anything/whatever that they've done to possibly be unpleasing to God will be forgiven, and they'll lie in the arms of Jesus.

Because of Jesus's resurrection, I know that the physical Death is not the end. As our flesh grows older, our souls are renewed in Christ as long as we believe and have faith to live by God's Will. With this, I'd like to to say this to whoever who's reading now - "As believers of Christ, we know that when the physical body passes on, our souls will be liberated to join Jesus, where eternal life begins."

Goodbye, Aunt Fung and Uncle Cheong, I will see you one day.

Did you just watch a movie?

That question is taken verbatim as spilled from the man's mouth. I just said, "Hello my darling" when he answered the phone, and he was taken aback, shocked and probably find it horrifying when I showered him this endearment. How romantic, not!

My answer to the question is, "No"... and he said "ok"... and I quipped, "Can't I use endearments with you?". His answer? - "You can do whatever you want". What a bummer!

Here I am, under 2 days shy of 3 months to 'our' wedding, and this is how he sounds. Makes me wonder whether I made the right choice to marry this man as he's already behaving this way before we are married! I'm not overtly romantic, but I'd appreciate just a small dose of appreciation from him.

It's no wonder that his mother has always advised me not to take in everything he says, as he likes to 'test' and 'try' people with his whims and fancies just to see what's the response... So, I'd better take his mama's advise, else I'd drown in my own vomit. Mothers do know best sometimes!

What makes me wonder is that whenever he says things, he wants my 100% attention, and while what I say is just being tuned off. So, where's the fairness to this? No wonder my mother says that sometimes I need to learn to pretend and be less honest. If he finds out I'm not honest, then he gets mad. If I'm too honest, he'd be a pain. So much contradiction!

If everything I have to say seems to be wrong, then I might as well not say a thing! What's there left to say when you have dead-end responses such as what he's giving? So, everything I say must be of his territory of interest? So, what has happened to my own interests? Do they not carry any water these days?

I miss those days when we were friends, as he was much more polite and sweeter. These days, I find him rude at most times, unsavoury to the boot! So, this the man I'm going to marry in months' to come? God help me!

Chasing my own tail

Damn, I just want to bitch about this whole visa process. I can see why agents are paid to do all the paperworks for visas. After running in circles for months to end... firstly, I sweated over the forms and the beau's cooperation in getting them filled up on time. Then I sweated over the whole Notice of Intended Marriage form in which I had to bug our priest to get it done. Whe nit's all done, I found that I need to lodge the sponsor's form as well... which needs properly certified copies of the man's personal documents. Before I knew it, my certificate of good conduct from TN is not valid for the visa process *pukes blood*

Yes, right now I find the biggest pain in the process is obtaining the 'certificate of good conduct' from countries that I've resided in for more than 12 months in the past 10 years. I firstly thought that it would be the Malaysian side of things that would delay me, but no, no, no... it's the freaking US of A. I cannot, cannot stand the individualised procedures that every department in the US has. Firstly, I thought any investigation would do, so I headed off to apply my certificate of good conduct from the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation. They sent me 3 pieces of notarised certificates but the contents were crap as they implied that due to my fingerprints not being taken, they could not verify whether I've had any crime record! Apart from this, I was told by the rep that it'll be better if I could provide a US address for the results to send to... and I provided my sister's addie and specifically told them to make sure that the letter is addressed to me, but mail it to my sister's address in the US.... AND guess what they did? They printed my name on the letter, but address is my sisters! This makes me look like some bogus! No wonder the HiComm reps cocked an eyebrow at me when reading this stupid letter... and it ain't cheap obtaining it... and I really don't want to get into the waiting time... more than 6 freaking weeks and a stupid report is given!

Now that I've gotten the pointers to head towards FBI department... I downloaded all the necessary instructions and had everything notarised for the process of getting a CGC from the FBI... I went cross-eyed doing my fingerprints for the FBI check... practising how to print rolled and flat fingerprints (a total of 20 little prints) on a piece of card. You can have all the prints perfectly done but mess up your pinky print... and you have to chuck the whole piece out again. Oh, let me get to the 'getting the right ink' part... took me ages... even had to contact the CID dept at Bukit Aman for info on where to get such ink. All in all, fingerprinting process alone took me 3 days - and my fingers were ink-stained for days, making me look like some mechanic who has grease stuck under his fingernails.

Apart from this, I have to get all my photocopies of identity proof notarised/certified by the commissioner of oath/advocate/solicitor... and I was lucky enough to discover that my ex land lady is a Notary Public! Thank God! So, this cut down my running about time! What a pain!

Now, I'm beginning to sweat over the whole medical check-up and x-ray thingie, as I couldn't get through to the panel of doctors...their phones are either engaged, or when it's through, I get the fax machine. It's a dead-end process... so today, I had a big day out searching for the SS2 clinic and found it... and saw the signage and noted the limited hours they are open for business. Makes me wonder why does the HiComm make it so difficult? Why? Why? Why?

Sigh... all I can say is that I can't wait to send in all the rest of the documents that I owe the HiComm at the end of this month. Then it'll be a waiting game... waiting, waiting, waiting for the interview and then the hopeful approval. Uprooting is no joke... it's incredibly stressful... and I've not even looked into packing yet... I don't think I'd be a very pretty bride by the time this whole thing is over... I'd probably have lots of greys sprouting from the head... Sigh... It's time that I get some good rest and stop chasing my own tail... I need to take care of myself once again and look forward to being a radiant bride.

Unstorybook life

Noseying around the internet for ol' friends can be quite interesting? I'm sure that's how a few old friends found my blog anyway! Hah! Though I'm a veteran with computers, it still never crossed my mind that I would do such a search, not even out of curiousity? I suppose nostalgia and pre-marital preparations can make one go off-center? Whatever?

Today, one of my old Sabahan friends and I were talking about ol' classmates of my sister's batch. We brought up one name after another and we did a search together in both facebook and good ol' google. We found pictures befitting of a particular person and read all the stuff that he has to write - what a discovery!

With this finding as a warm-up session, I transported myself back to my school days, and remembered my growing years. I began recalling faces and names - mostly forgotten for a couple of decades. Googling for them were fun. Of course, I hit jackpot on some? Then I started thinking about 'what has happened to the boys that I used to have a massive crush on during my growing years?' To my delight, I found a picture or two, and of course, some info on what they are up to these days, careerwise and also their hobbies. I smile as I read, and think of how changed we are as grown ups, as I still remember the things these blokes and I quarrel or talk about even, and I giggled myself silly when I remembered imagining myself being with them, and marrying them and have the little Angelas and little *names deleted* running around - how sweet to be seen as childhood sweethearts that made it down the aisle. Then I caught myself having the same giggle that I have had in those days! Funny.

Interesting enough, I have no bad memories of these blokes eventhough we had our differences and were immature to the boot. Nothing would have or even could have worked out then. Still, looking at their pictures on the net, I can't help but to feel proud of them as they've grown into fine, good-looking men - they definitely carry themselves very well in those pictures.

I guess growing out of them is just part of growing up as well. I've never dated any of them. Basically, who they actually are and what kind of persons they are in relationships, I will never know, and somehow there's no gnawing need for me to wonder either. I'm just contented with not knowing and hope that they are happy. With this, I realised that moving on with life was my forte, and I've always rolled on to find the niche in life which doesn't really include relationships, and interestingly, this also affected my choice of men, and it has to be those that can fit into my life and what I want to do. There was just so much that has gone through an evolution from puppy love days to real-life dating days, and they just must fit into my schedule.

So, I mapped the changes from then to now. I saw the evolution of my perceptions, emotions and experiences of good, bad and average days, linking up what went on then, and how my choices and pathways were shaped, career-wise, family-wise, friendship-wise and loverelationship-wise. Indeed, love was the last of all priorities.

I used to wonder what took me so long to decide whom I want to settle with, and I now see why and how I am with Martin today. I have to go through many lessons in life to even know myselef better, and how I met Martin is also so God-sent, and I'm a God-send to him too, mind you! I couldn't fit him into my schedule, and I learned to reschedule my life and reprioritise, and of course he didn't catch on till much later, and I'm glad I persevered.

For a while now we've been chiming "Martin's the best", and I've learned over time to say likewise to him, "Angela's the best." Indeed, we are the best for each other. It's interesting to come to a point where you want to be with each other for the rest of your lives, for better or for worse eventhough we know we are flawed beings and can have the most ridiculous rows and glaring differences.

As for my couple of hours of net adventure in search for the past that both sparked and also dimmed, I'm just really ready to settle down with just 'the one' man. No wonder they say love is strange and it needs lots of work to accept, compromise and live unfairy-tale-like. Perfect that he is not, as he's imperfect in many ways. I suppose that's what makes him so special and how much I think he's imperfectly perfect for the imperfectly perfect little moi. That's how unstory-book our lives will always be and that'll always be our version of a real-life love story.

Stumped

Whinging is never my forte, but I think I deserve to whinge this time. I had cold water splashed on my face on two accounts of the day - a revelation of my spirituality, and a lack of support from my other half. I'm stumped.

The initial was good. I was humbled by the learning of what was the actual image of the very last "missing" piece to my spiritual jigsaw. My spiritual weakness was spotted, and I took it with good grace, knowing that my ol' friends spoke sense.

I knew it all along at the back of my mind, I just needed to be told and reminded on this. I saw new meanings to my father's and sister's advice before. This religious obedience should no longer delay, I'm chalking it all up to a plan of actions which I will begin this sunday. I did not lack the wisdom of knowing this as in how to do it, and when to do it, I was just foolish to not heed this wisdom, and thought delaying the action would be a wiser move. Wrong move, no wonder I've been stumped for so long.

Honesty in a kind form was all I need. I've lack the wisdom of simplicity, and now gained it after toppling from my pedestal of self-proclaimed queen of wisdom to complexity. My goals are simple. I only strive to be a better person - it's what I've always wanted, worked for, and looked forward to. Perhaps my efforts to attain these were just never real efforts, I was just too plain busy being clouded by current affairs, a typical casualty of situation. I just needed to be understood. Being misunderstood is never pleasant. Lacking the effort to put things into perspective is just plain disobedience amongst other glaring excuses of why I 'didn't do, was thinking of doing and was intending to do'. All these have stunted the spiritual side of me in this case, I'm a spiritual stump.

I know blessings involve obedience. I should know this, as I'm the product of a blessing, no lesser recipient to receive blessings either. I've just chose not to walk in the light, and was blinded by the glittery neon lights of hedonism. I've too have had life-long observations and exposures to obedience, in both its structure, practice, theories and theology... all rolled into one. I know it too well... I will now follow suit like my father before me, and before... and endless upline list to repent. To reconstruct myself again, and walk in the lighted path once more, I will need to realign myself to practice the wisdom of obedience, otherwise I'm still the same spiritual stump, self-created.

My other half, tumbled down from the pedestal that I've built for him. My fault to have expectations. My fault to trust my deepest thoughts. My fault to share even. My fault to not tailor-make it to be palatable. My fault to contribute to the misunderstanding for not being clear. It's all my fault. Still, I'm not sorry for being the way I am. I have a right to share whatever's in my little red heart and pulsating little mind. Perhaps men are really from mars, and women are really from venus. I thought mars men and venus women theories were crap, but crap happens. I'm stumped crap to this whole gender business.

I wonder whether it's cold feet from my end to be critical of him or I'm only reciprocating his criticisms of me. Whatever it is, it takes two to clap. Wait a minute... I've been clapping the air with one hand for too long while he stands there hands down. I wish he'd raise his hand to give me a hi-five when I need it. Oh well, wishful thinking. Another day is over, another day is stumped.

I can take criticisms standing or lying down as long as it's done constructively. I did not see the constructiveness of today's tete-a-tete nor a few of our past conversations... historically. I'm sensitised to recognise it - it's all due to painful experiences. Today was the pinnacle of all squashed days, I felt battered, if not bashed. Who's right, who's wrong, who cares? Whatever it is, there was no taste to it as I was reduced to tears. I'm a believer of 'it's not what one says, but how one says it'. His lack of sensitivity towards such a small thing had my little red heart is bitten into two. Whilst my brain has fallen open into two separate halves, one half with new perceptions of how I want my life to be, the other half with old souvenirs of my remaining love, buried amongst the avalanche of disappointments. Maybe I'm really stumped this time.

My mind is now more open than before, but the two halves are no longer connected. I have to stop myself from moving, and physically piece the two halves my of brain together, and glue back the two little red heart-halves to make it a whole heart again. Only with my brains connected, and heart-halves pieced, I could generate a logic or at least to remember why I love this man in the first place. If I don't put in the effort to stop and think, I can easily forget the meaning of love, and only remember how inlovable he is. Maybe he's the one who's stumped!

I just cannot erase the line where my little red heart broke off. It's there, it's a reminder no matter how much effort I put in to camouflage that line. There goes the Effort word again! This word has been overused in regards to my healing, my tolerance and whatever goodness that is left in me. Effort is beginning to sound like a bad word, a vocab laced with the memory of failure, corrupted with disappointments... I need to detox. *cough, cough* Oooh... is my love life stumped too?

How many chances should I give this man? I'm counting... still counting as I stamp and dog-ear my way through my pages life.