Angie's blog

A snob or a fool?

2011-05-07T23:00:00.003+08:00

I agreed to a dinner invite today from a couple 'new' friends to meet their friends tonight and it turned out to be quite interesting in a not-very-nice way *sigh*. So, before I begin my little story, I'll give a quick background to my 'new' friends, to whom I'll name my friend, "X" and her hubby "Y" for anonymity's sake. I met "X" 1.5 years ago from my bus rides to work every morning, and she could not utter a word of English and is so overjoyed that I could speak in Chinese... and she soon laid out her life story of how she is married to a pure-bred Westerner. Yes, curious aren't we, of how the two are attracted and got married to each other. To dabble on my suspicion and theories of how they got together would be too catty... and it's best that I don't travel down that direction in telling this little story. Nevertheless, this story is all about tonight's dining experience...

It wasn't fine dining, it was a casual dindin at a pizza place according to X & Y - and they just wanted me to meet a few of their ex-colleagues who's in the truck driving business. As X & Y were driving me to this place that they boasted as 'the best pizza place ever', we were busy yacking of China, Hong Kong... overseas Chinese and cultural differences etc... a conversation which I try intellectualising and found to be a rather one way conversation where I'm providing information rather than absorbing a proper feedback... sigh. At the same time, I was also playing the role of a translator, and had to actively work as a middle person translating Cantonese to English and English to Cantonese for both X and Y. Back and forth it went, and you get the drill. Whilst 'working', I looked left and right as we drove further away from everything familiar to me, and my uneasiness grew... I realised that we have now moved our mid-class or rather, the affluent suburb that I'm accustomed to, to a seedy part of town which I've never ventured to, ever.

Being as diplomatic as I could, I asked X about my whereabouts (silly me, I'd make a perfect kidnap victim for not asking where I'm going and for putting all my trust to go wherever this couple's taking me!). X said, "Maylands", and I said, "Oh", as it dawned on me that it's not a place where I'd like to be caught dead in. X was saying that it's an affluent area, but every part of me is screaming, "No way!"... and she was telling me all about how expensive the houses are etc and I was soon to realise that she is not able to pick up the differences. I can see and also understand that this is the Northeast of Perth, where it's just 5-minutes' drive away from CBD a place of such will eventually be bought over as a city expands. Due to its proximity to the city, it's no surprise that the housing prices that went bananas for years now have made many desperate buyers look into upgrading even the seediest place to make it decent. Yes, due to the mining industry boom in WA, many seedy places are currently going through some form of genteelising. The fact if the matter is that the face of buildings may change and the roads may be widened, but the fabric of the society is still unchanged. The people and the town don't seem to jive.

As my 'friends' continued to drive me through the neighbourhood to the pizzeria, the more uneasy I became as I could feel the seediness of the place growing...I tried brushing it off, thinking that I may be overly suspicious or sensitve. By and by, we reached the eatery, the well-boasted pizzeria where truckies swore to be the best and further assured by X & Y as well. At the front entrance, we were met by several overweight blokes with their wives of South-east Asian descent. The blokes waved at us, and Y waved back heartily and was quick to introduce me as his wife's friend. So, I was greeted with loud, slowly pronounced syllables of 'Hi, I'm abc, nice to meet you", and then shake hands. I thought to myself, "ok, don't judge... don't judge, be good, be kind..."

We sat down, and waitresses in tight Ts accentuanting their upper body assets came forward (kind remind me of a really low grade Hooters joint), and took our orders. Giant sized pizzas, chilli mussels, garden salads etc were soon served. Every 5-10 minutes, half of the burly males at our table kept going out for a nicotine top-up, leaving their SEA wifeys behind. The conversations we all had were basically nonsensical, just for the sake of having a laugh and mucking around. This eventually led to one of the wifey's suggestion of the best male-contraception which comes in different flavours, which was further spiced up with detailed explanation of the originality and wonders of its taste, living up to its brand name, as advertised. I almost choked on my pizza hearing the lewd and unsolicited advise by the wifey to the rest of the blokies at the table. The men sat up and eating their pizzas lustily rather than heartily... the bad taste in my mouth continued to develop and I lost my appetite.

X kept turning to me to ask for translation of what's being said, which got me rather annoyed as I found myself at her disposal, conveniently translating everything for her while she'd just sit there and not work on doing her best to understand what's going on. Blokies at the table, including her hubby would also keep on turning to me to ask, "What did X say"... so, you get the drill on how I was continuously translating things back and forth.

Anyway, it's now all behind me, as it'll be the last time I'm joining them for dindin. Now I'm back home, thinking to myself, whether I'm being a bloody snob, thinking that I'm above them SEA wifeys and X just because I have a better command of Anglais, and could make a conversation with their men ... and I was further thinking that these blokies must have a complex where they needed women, not as trophy wives, but women who would meet their every need without having the command of language to oppose them. Calling a dining place of such the best pizza, chilli mussels and best looking waitresses around ... really confirmed my thinking that these bunch of people really do not know what they are talking about or perhaps do not know any better? As with reference to X and Y, they could not tell the difference from a seedy place to a decent place because they too, do not know better and they are one of these people of the same ilk *sigh*.

*sigh*sigh*sigh*... I'm not only a snob, I'm a fool too. I will distance myself from X & Y from now on, not because I have expectations, but I think I have enough of being used, and wasting all that time getting involved in explaning, translating and helping all the time on things to shop etc. I got home in time to see to my very own hubby, and wanting to tell him about my evening, and he asked me who did I go out with... and I said "X and Y", and he waved his hand in the air and said, "I don't want to know about it, and I don't like X". Even hubby thinks me a fool for being anywhere near these people. So, what does that make me now, "a foolish snob"? So be it, foolish no more, and I am reassured that I'm a snob, and to some extent, so is hubby a snob through and through.

Faith in times of dryness

2009-09-14T00:11:00.002+08:00

... in all sense requires more prayerful moments even when words are scarce. I am in this moment, have missing gaps in my prayers eventhough my heart swells with endless things to pray for, and yet I do not know where and how to begin.

This dryness amidst of my faith, has seeped into my mind and heart, in which I did not want to admit, is actually a stumbling block - pride. Such great pride I have, and so little perseverence I have eventhough I'm a great believer of perseverance.

At this point of my life, I am struggling with how much I need to learn about humility. How much lacking I am of expressing my love and kindness to those around me. I'm saddened by this, this lack of expression. I used to be filled with expressions, has it all been lost in my idleness of mind and hands?

Life has not been hard, but the trivialities have magnified itself and sown unhealthy seeds in both my mind and heart. All stemmed from being judged and my judgmental ways towards myself. My fear of losing my footing is great, and finding myself having less control over my life as in how I'd like it to be doesn't comfort me. I've never been in this situation, and perhaps this is a small scale, a miniscule scale of what I can relate to the book of Job. I need God so much, yet I can't express myself in my prayers. How ironic.

Strange, but I believe if God has placed me in this situation, this very experience of unexplanable dryness and lack of control has pushed me to pray prayers of no words, I've read so many testimonies, that God is working in those at such time in preparation for them to face a bigger job in His Will. I have this premonition, feel it in my bones that a time will come where my mind will reel in busy-ness and I will be once again be normalised to my upbeated self. I'd like to lose the old contented cow-self within me, the living-in-a-bubble world where I will not get up till someone pricks my bubble.

Contentedness isn't always good, and I know its consequenes. My works must once again begin, and I have begun my promise of a pledge in the old days. to serve, and to serve, it begins from the home.

Overjoyed that I am now, to be able to attend the studies on St. Paul's letters with my love, and yet I've not begun my walk in faith in togetherness with my love. We walk in faith, but at different pace. We're not in sync, but I know we'll soon be in sync. I have not lost hope because I know he loves God, and longs for God's grace. No different from me. In this sense, we're in sync.

How melancholy and inconsistent I sound, yet I have a quiet joy within because I have endless hope. To have faith, I have the birth of hope. To give birth to hope, I have the road of perseverance ahead of me. I'm still learning, learning in times of dryness.

Chick flicks - love em' all!

2008-06-25T21:46:00.005+08:00

Sex & the City (the movie) - love it!! That's the latest chick flick I've delved into. This movie is definitely not something a bloke would savour, but it's really something that most women would enjoy - why? It's because the characters' experiences would still fuse down to the same emotions that every woman has felt deeply before in relationships - happiness, disappointment, worries etc eventhough the experiences may be different types.

Finding love and meaningful relationships were all that these characters were looking for - very American, as there's more to life than just relationships of course, but I suppose as survival has it, we're all our mother's daughters... we want to have a partner for life and children to call 'ours' or 'our family' one day. Whether it happens or not, every woman has dabbled along the lines, tasted the joys and let-downs in search for a happy ending which is oh-so-stereotyped.

Still, I've been hooked on the episodes in the past because firstly, it was entertaining. Secondly, the one-liners are funny... and of course, some of the lines provoked a woman's thoughts as well. Thirdly, a woman's life and thoughts can be one big adventure alone! Being woman, and being able to empathise and understand some of the happiness, and disappointments in and of relationships, I've poured into the episodes and did my bit on couch potato-ing - it's worthed it!

Back to the movie... my hubby has made it clear that the movie ain't his cup of tea. With no girlfriends for girlie activities in this part of the world that I've moved to, I know that it's going to be a movie that I just have to watch all by myself. Awww, I miss my girlies back in KL dearly! Pathetic, yes, but life must go on?

Seriously, at this age and time, I'm just going to get on with what I feel like doing - sometimes I think too much and become a worry wart, but sometimes I just throw caution in the wind and go with my gut feelings. Yes, emotions speaking again, haha! Oh, that's what the movie is all about - go with your gut feelings... a woman's antennas / intuition... or whatever you want to name it. You learn from them all... every decision has its consequences. Cest la vie!

Speaking of guts, I sometimes think that men do not have the guts to watch such movies because it hits them squarely in the face as in how they've treated their women in the past, or even now. Even the Samantha Jones character have let her emotions ruled in spite of her cold, cold ways in dealing with blokes at most times over the past episodes.

I've even shed tears at several parts of the movie. Particularly when the Auld Lang Syne song was sung with many montages of the characters celebrating / tolerating yet another new year. Then I felt the emotions of disappointment portrayed by Carrie Bradshaw who was in a way, jilted by Big. Not that I have the experience of being jilted, but I can imagine myself going mad if I was in the Carrie Bradshaw character's shoes. I felt my anger rising when Big had his moments of cold feet leading up to the wedding. Then I felt the deep disappointment of Carrie going through her healing in Mexico where her bosom friends have swept her off to... the endless crying, and feeling of never wanting to wake up again and thinking that she's having a nightmare - the fine lines of being in-between worlds - surreal. This, anger and disappointment, I've faced before, and it hit a raw nerve in me that turned on the taps in my eyes.

My hubs had a major cold feet just a couple of months before the wedding. I swear, I've grown 10 years older due to that. Yup, lines that were never there before just turned up on my face and my eyes. Do men know of such, maybe they do but they chose to compartmentalise and look the other way or rather just shrug it off coldly that 'she'll survive and get over it'? Well, my experience tells that that most blokes would have no clue or in denial... can't handle emotions. Yup.

I've waited for my one love of a lifetime for ages - waited and tolerated. Not that I go with the same lines of the movie as in 'going to NY to find love'... I definitely did not head off to KL to find love, I was there for a better paying job, my freedom and of course, my privacy. Likewise in NY, no one's bothered with another's life, your friends are your family. So true as portrayed in the movie that a woman must keep her good girlfriends, and nurture them and cherish them. I have my set of girlfriends, and I remember pouring my heart out and crying endlessly and feel much better later when they've comforted me. At times of such, who wants hard facts of 'logical thinking'? I want empathy and tact - a touch of care and some good listening to. Doesn't take much, does it?

Well, today's chick flick really made my day and make me appreciate that I will always have my good girlfriends to live by eventhough they are hundreds to thousands of kilometers away.

Women - I celebrate myself for being one, and I'm glad to have deep emotions to feel by and to live by. What's the meaning in life when one slogs on in the world without emotions? Thanks to all chick flicks - makes me feel I'm not alone with just my emotions, it's universal! :D

Haunting pasts...

2008-06-07T01:40:00.002+08:00

...was this big discussion that I had with several long-lost-but-found hometown friends. Everyone had their bits of stories and explanations to the past as in why they did this and that, and versions of 'what actually happened'. Some ask trying questions to see what's one's response, but what's the motive? Hmm...

The connection between old friends is all about re-enacting many things of the past while weaving it into digest-able stories. Perhaps there's some memorates involved, changing the facts a little as in a way to reason with the psyche of the story-teller.

So, the little me had my usual advice to my old friends... that is to just let go of the past and move on. After all, we are now living the future and not in the past. Easier said than done, of course, however it's the best piece of advice to help pacify and comfort the story-teller(s).

How I meant as a story-teller doesn't mean it's all about woven fibs, but it's all about things of the past that can no longer change. The change is to move on with things, and that is to take action in moving forward instead of paddling backwards with 'if I could turn back the clock, I'd do this and that'... fact of the matter is that it's over and done with, and life goes on.

Life as it is, is full of sad things if we want to focus on the negatives. It seems that the best formula is to focus on the positives and make the best out of it by applying to a current situation. I preach this, but sometimes I catch myself in the act of not walking the talk. Why? It's because I'm human and like all counsellors, you are able to counsel others but can't counsel yourself. Just like doctors who can't heal themselves. It's a fact. Why again? It's because when you are dealing with yourself, there's too much at emotions that get in the way, unless one is able to completely compartmentalise facts from emotions by taking oneself out of the equation and look at things from a 3rd party viewpoint. It works, but takes a lot of psyching oneself up for it.

I myself, sometimes get stuck in time warp in regards to pasts, and find the back of my eyes stinging with bitter tears and heart burning with anger, and my head throbs for answers... you know, all those works of the mind. Likewise, my old friends felt the same when they were confiding in me. Airing the past sometimes clears the air. A sign of healing from a past. All pasts whether perceived to be good or bad has to be categorised as 'good for us' before we could move on. Afterall, we didn't lose our lives during those trying times.

Whatever it is, it's all water under the bridge. We have today because of our past. Gotta go through trying times with all that doesn't add sparkle to life to finally come across the diamonds that will add value to life. Well, we can't get where we are today if we didn't learn from those dog-eared pasts. Peace and a mental handshake with the past. R.I.P. to all that past, you shall haunt no one no more.

I do, I do, I do

2008-05-20T00:29:00.002+08:00

I used to sing this ABBA song when I was a child and never thought of it seriously as in the depth of its meaning and never rubbished it as nonsensical. As I grew older and belted out the song several times in Karaoke sessions, I realised that the song has nothing to do with marriage or 'real love' ... and to have heard it played at several wedding receptions, I'm aghast and agawked at how little attention people put into their choice of songs. Well, I made sure that it will never be played at my wedding :).

Speaking of choice of songs, I am a mixed bag in listening to songs as well... but am usually a sucker for easy-to-the-ears type of tunes as well and ignore lyrics at times till it dawns on me one fine day when applied to situations/experiences in life. Sometimes I magnify the lyrics of songs eventho I love the tune.

As for our recent wedding, I had some un-wedding songs which I planned for the wedding as well - yes, I overlooked the lyrics! Thanks to my other half, he had zoomed into the minute details of the lyrics sung and cancelled out a few of my tastefully tuneful songs (tho the lyrics were not the best-suited for weddings!). But... but... there are a few songs where he overlooked as well :D. Aren't we great partners, cancelling off each other's songs for the wedding? Well, we are great partners, truly, we came to an agreement and played all the songs that we love, in joint agreement.

Speaking of joint agreement, that's what commitment and living a life in togetherness is all about. To compromise. It's not as one-sided as it's depicted in the ABBA song. Now that I've already walked the down the aisle and said my "I dos", I'm just clocking in the time - I've been married for a quarter of a year (soon to be, anyway... *screams*). Ok, it's out...I just can't keep track of the time, sometimes :D. Of course, I wonder who else thinks like me... probably a lot of people do, hmm?

Consider all things of the past that brought me today, I'm happy where I am now, love my hubby to bits and pieces, and of course glad to wave all the past misgivings goodbye. Now, here's the lyrics to that ABBA song, please laugh with me :D:

Love me or leave me, make your choice but believe me
I love you
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do
I can't conceal it, don't you see, can't you feel it?
Don't you too?
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

Oh, I've been dreaming through my lonely past
Now I just made it, I found you at last

So come on, now lets try it, I love you, can't deny it
cos it's true
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

Oh, no hard feelings between you and me
If we can't make it, but just wait and see

So come on, now lets try it, I love you, can't deny it
cos it's true
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do
So love me or leave me, make your choice but believe me
I love you
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do
I can't conceal it, don't you see, can't you feel it?
Don't you too?
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

Goodbye fire piggie year and hello you rat!

2008-02-05T02:13:00.000+08:00

It is not just 2008 now, but the second month of 2008. Chinese New Year is again just around the corner! Whoah, time flies! I don't have enough time in a day to get all my things done and yet I'm sitting in front of the PC hyperventilating away - bizarre... perhaps I'm just disorganised, or is just too laid back to lift a finger/to hurry about.

Here I am, just 19 days to the big day, and I'm as frumpy as ever, sad. I'd probably just bounce down the aisle instead of gliding gracefully along to say 'I do'. Ok, ok, I've watched too much Ally McBeal and have an over-active imagination. Can I help myself? Darn it, no... because the mirror screams back "you're a hog" all the time.

Hog or no hog, the year of the fire boar/pig/oink or whatever you call it is officially over at the turn of the Chinese lunar calendar - end of the 12 year cycle of the Chinese animal zodiac. It's now back to the beginning of the cycle, the rat - the earth rat. All in all, fat or thin, I'm still happy! Shock! Horror!

So, tonight, the net is bogged down with all sorts of fengshui sites and Chinese zodiac compatibilities, and also the 'element' attached to the 12 year cycle. I didn't know I was born as a 'metal pig' and my love as a 'fire goat':

THE METAL PIG

Outspoken and confident, Metal Pigs give 110% for everything they do. They throw themselves into relationships with others completely, sometimes to a fault. These Pigs are headstrong and diligent in the workplace, honest and caring in a relationship and trustworthy with everyone he/she meets unless given reason not to be. Metal Pigs usually give people more credit than they deserve but when challenged can be a hard nut to crack.

ARIES PIG

Full of energy and vive, these are affectionate lovers. They hunger for responsibility both mentally and physically.

THE FIRE SHEEP

Fire Sheep are not as likely to get their feelings hurt nor are they as likely to desire the approval of others as typical Sheep are. They are capable of taking care of themselves, standing up for themselves and putting themselves first. They are vivacious and charismatic, preferring theater to any of the other arts. Fire Sheep generally enjoy a tight circle of friends and family and enjoy the social limelight.

CANCERIAN SHEEP

Kind, genuine and gentle, these Sheep display as much the power to give love as the need to get love. They can pressure themselves about being able to support their families, but always put family first.

After being completely amused by this site, I zoomed into our specific birthdates for a 'test of compatibility in this site, and what I got was really heartwarming:

"The male Goat and the female Pig will be more than happy to give each other the space to pursue their own interests, without being so distant that the relationship self-destructs in the starting gate. Both of these aesthetically gifted individuals appreciate the finer things in life and the arts and will find much to praise in each other's company. The female Pig is a fount of advice that may help to bring the male Goat back to reality once in a while, while he, in turn, can give her a broader perspective and keep their shared life interesting. The Goat's occasional fits of temper, whether justified or not, can be calmed by the cheerful and pragmatic Pig, and she can always provoke a smile. This duo can be very healthy for each other, which explains its durability in the face of time."

In another site, I typed in the same birthdates, and I have the following prints, "Goat & Pig You are a match made in Heaven. You are inspired, and kindred spirits..." Awww....so cute!

Well, it doesn't matter whether the year of the pig is over and the year of the rat is beginning, this year of 2008 is still my year as I'm going to marry the love of my life! Happy little piglet me, and oh, you lucky, lucky old goat :D.

Passing on

2007-12-01T21:53:00.000+08:00

The year 2007 had carted off two of my father's siblings, both claimed by cancer. Another Aunt now sufferened a stroke and is left for time as she lies in a coma. This has been a harsh year for my father and his siblings. The slap of reality is that they are too, in line for the unavoidable and unpredictable fate - death.

Aggie sent me the web pictures for Uncle Cheong's funeral more than a month ago, and I have refused to open it... in fear of being terribly depressed upon viewing. Aggie has been prodding me to look at it and I honestly told her of my fears. The weeks passed me by, and I finally found the courage revisit the email again to look at the pictures. True enough, eventhough enough time has passed, I still felt as sad as I first heard of the sad news. I couldn't stop the hot tears from pooling in my eyes.

I see Papa in the pictures - he played the role of pinning the symbol of mourning onto Uncle Cheong's children and grandchildren's sleeves. It was a really sad sight, and I know it must have torn Papa's heart to pieces. One of the pictures even caught Papa crying, and another one of Khin Ko Ko crying, followed by one of Heung Ko Ko crying as well. It is moments of such, where you see grown men cry.

I see all the women - my Aunts, my mother, my cousins, my nephews and nieces... all of them stood by their husbands, siblings and children... all gathered in mourning. It is a time where everyone's at peace where grudges and disagreements were set aside.

I see all the ready-made tombs that are awaiting for the rest of my father's siblings and spouses to eventually fill up, inclusive of my very own parents' too... knowing this, I broke down all over again like I first heard my father informing me that he had the tombs for mother & himself made so that all of us as his children, will not have to worry about where to bury them when the time comes. Just like that, they are prepared for death, and they've chosen their physical resting place. There'll be a day in the future that I will be there too to bury my parents too.

I've yet to stop crying whenever I think of my parents' future death, as I feel that it will be very hard for me to accept that day. I remind myself that Jesus will be by their side when the day comes, and death on earth is not the final death till the second coming of Christ.

I will miss Uncle Cheong... Aunt Fung... as I have fond memories of them. Uncle Cheong, over the years had fought hard to survive colon cancer. He did well as he survived more than 5 years. Being the middle child amongst 10 siblings, Uncle Cheong was very bitter when he was diagnosed of cancer but by God's Grace, all signs of cancer were rid of after rounds of chemotherapy. When his cancer relapsed after a couple of years, he was even more embittered to the point of being unconsolable. He questioned God, questioned even his loved ones and siblings, he even resolved to questioning anyone he could get hold of "WHY ME?"... He didn't want to be the first sibling to go, afterall he's not even the oldest, and his time should not come yet. He was just not ready.

Soon after, Aunt Fung was diagnosed of acute Leukemia, just like that, overnight. Leukemia came with a big bang, and the Yong family relived the days of Grandpa's sufferings - he had Leukemia too. Aunt Fung was less fortunate in comparison to Uncle Cheong, she didn't make it past the 10 month mark. Uncle Cheong cried bitterly when Aunt Fung died as he felt he was the one who made that drastic wish that he doesn't want to be the first to go, instead, his youngest sister took his place as the first sibling to go.

I remember saying to Uncle Muk Yaw that Aunt Fung no longer feels pain, as she's with Jesus now. Likewise, I said of the same to Aunt Len Tshin, that Uncle Cheong is with Jesus. Still, easier said than done, we are flawed humans who are attached to the physical presence of our lived ones. However, by faith and the Grace of God, we should let go and pass our loved ones on to Jesus.

The nights where both my Aunt and Uncle died, I prayed hard for God's intercession, that both of them will be forgiven for anything/whatever that they've done to possibly be unpleasing to God will be forgiven, and they'll lie in the arms of Jesus.

Because of Jesus's resurrection, I know that the physical Death is not the end. As our flesh grows older, our souls are renewed in Christ as long as we believe and have faith to live by God's Will. With this, I'd like to to say this to whoever who's reading now - "As believers of Christ, we know that when the physical body passes on, our souls will be liberated to join Jesus, where eternal life begins."

Goodbye, Aunt Fung and Uncle Cheong, I will see you one day.

Did you just watch a movie?

2007-11-25T23:53:00.001+08:00

That question is taken verbatim as spilled from the man's mouth. I just said, "Hello my darling" when he answered the phone, and he was taken aback, shocked and probably find it horrifying when I showered him this endearment. How romantic, not!

My answer to the question is, "No"... and he said "ok"... and I quipped, "Can't I use endearments with you?". His answer? - "You can do whatever you want". What a bummer!

Here I am, under 2 days shy of 3 months to 'our' wedding, and this is how he sounds. Makes me wonder whether I made the right choice to marry this man as he's already behaving this way before we are married! I'm not overtly romantic, but I'd appreciate just a small dose of appreciation from him.

It's no wonder that his mother has always advised me not to take in everything he says, as he likes to 'test' and 'try' people with his whims and fancies just to see what's the response... So, I'd better take his mama's advise, else I'd drown in my own vomit. Mothers do know best sometimes!

What makes me wonder is that whenever he says things, he wants my 100% attention, and while what I say is just being tuned off. So, where's the fairness to this? No wonder my mother says that sometimes I need to learn to pretend and be less honest. If he finds out I'm not honest, then he gets mad. If I'm too honest, he'd be a pain. So much contradiction!

If everything I have to say seems to be wrong, then I might as well not say a thing! What's there left to say when you have dead-end responses such as what he's giving? So, everything I say must be of his territory of interest? So, what has happened to my own interests? Do they not carry any water these days?

I miss those days when we were friends, as he was much more polite and sweeter. These days, I find him rude at most times, unsavoury to the boot! So, this the man I'm going to marry in months' to come? God help me!

Chasing my own tail

2007-11-18T01:25:00.000+08:00

Damn, I just want to bitch about this whole visa process. I can see why agents are paid to do all the paperworks for visas. After running in circles for months to end... firstly, I sweated over the forms and the beau's cooperation in getting them filled up on time. Then I sweated over the whole Notice of Intended Marriage form in which I had to bug our priest to get it done. Whe nit's all done, I found that I need to lodge the sponsor's form as well... which needs properly certified copies of the man's personal documents. Before I knew it, my certificate of good conduct from TN is not valid for the visa process *pukes blood*

Yes, right now I find the biggest pain in the process is obtaining the 'certificate of good conduct' from countries that I've resided in for more than 12 months in the past 10 years. I firstly thought that it would be the Malaysian side of things that would delay me, but no, no, no... it's the freaking US of A. I cannot, cannot stand the individualised procedures that every department in the US has. Firstly, I thought any investigation would do, so I headed off to apply my certificate of good conduct from the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation. They sent me 3 pieces of notarised certificates but the contents were crap as they implied that due to my fingerprints not being taken, they could not verify whether I've had any crime record! Apart from this, I was told by the rep that it'll be better if I could provide a US address for the results to send to... and I provided my sister's addie and specifically told them to make sure that the letter is addressed to me, but mail it to my sister's address in the US.... AND guess what they did? They printed my name on the letter, but address is my sisters! This makes me look like some bogus! No wonder the HiComm reps cocked an eyebrow at me when reading this stupid letter... and it ain't cheap obtaining it... and I really don't want to get into the waiting time... more than 6 freaking weeks and a stupid report is given!

Now that I've gotten the pointers to head towards FBI department... I downloaded all the necessary instructions and had everything notarised for the process of getting a CGC from the FBI... I went cross-eyed doing my fingerprints for the FBI check... practising how to print rolled and flat fingerprints (a total of 20 little prints) on a piece of card. You can have all the prints perfectly done but mess up your pinky print... and you have to chuck the whole piece out again. Oh, let me get to the 'getting the right ink' part... took me ages... even had to contact the CID dept at Bukit Aman for info on where to get such ink. All in all, fingerprinting process alone took me 3 days - and my fingers were ink-stained for days, making me look like some mechanic who has grease stuck under his fingernails.

Apart from this, I have to get all my photocopies of identity proof notarised/certified by the commissioner of oath/advocate/solicitor... and I was lucky enough to discover that my ex land lady is a Notary Public! Thank God! So, this cut down my running about time! What a pain!

Now, I'm beginning to sweat over the whole medical check-up and x-ray thingie, as I couldn't get through to the panel of doctors...their phones are either engaged, or when it's through, I get the fax machine. It's a dead-end process... so today, I had a big day out searching for the SS2 clinic and found it... and saw the signage and noted the limited hours they are open for business. Makes me wonder why does the HiComm make it so difficult? Why? Why? Why?

Sigh... all I can say is that I can't wait to send in all the rest of the documents that I owe the HiComm at the end of this month. Then it'll be a waiting game... waiting, waiting, waiting for the interview and then the hopeful approval. Uprooting is no joke... it's incredibly stressful... and I've not even looked into packing yet... I don't think I'd be a very pretty bride by the time this whole thing is over... I'd probably have lots of greys sprouting from the head... Sigh... It's time that I get some good rest and stop chasing my own tail... I need to take care of myself once again and look forward to being a radiant bride.

Unstorybook life

2007-09-17T22:35:00.000+08:00

Noseying around the internet for ol' friends can be quite interesting? I'm sure that's how a few old friends found my blog anyway! Hah! Though I'm a veteran with computers, it still never crossed my mind that I would do such a search, not even out of curiousity? I suppose nostalgia and pre-marital preparations can make one go off-center? Whatever?

Today, one of my old Sabahan friends and I were talking about ol' classmates of my sister's batch. We brought up one name after another and we did a search together in both facebook and good ol' google. We found pictures befitting of a particular person and read all the stuff that he has to write - what a discovery!

With this finding as a warm-up session, I transported myself back to my school days, and remembered my growing years. I began recalling faces and names - mostly forgotten for a couple of decades. Googling for them were fun. Of course, I hit jackpot on some? Then I started thinking about 'what has happened to the boys that I used to have a massive crush on during my growing years?' To my delight, I found a picture or two, and of course, some info on what they are up to these days, careerwise and also their hobbies. I smile as I read, and think of how changed we are as grown ups, as I still remember the things these blokes and I quarrel or talk about even, and I giggled myself silly when I remembered imagining myself being with them, and marrying them and have the little Angelas and little *names deleted* running around - how sweet to be seen as childhood sweethearts that made it down the aisle. Then I caught myself having the same giggle that I have had in those days! Funny.

Interesting enough, I have no bad memories of these blokes eventhough we had our differences and were immature to the boot. Nothing would have or even could have worked out then. Still, looking at their pictures on the net, I can't help but to feel proud of them as they've grown into fine, good-looking men - they definitely carry themselves very well in those pictures.

I guess growing out of them is just part of growing up as well. I've never dated any of them. Basically, who they actually are and what kind of persons they are in relationships, I will never know, and somehow there's no gnawing need for me to wonder either. I'm just contented with not knowing and hope that they are happy. With this, I realised that moving on with life was my forte, and I've always rolled on to find the niche in life which doesn't really include relationships, and interestingly, this also affected my choice of men, and it has to be those that can fit into my life and what I want to do. There was just so much that has gone through an evolution from puppy love days to real-life dating days, and they just must fit into my schedule.

So, I mapped the changes from then to now. I saw the evolution of my perceptions, emotions and experiences of good, bad and average days, linking up what went on then, and how my choices and pathways were shaped, career-wise, family-wise, friendship-wise and loverelationship-wise. Indeed, love was the last of all priorities.

I used to wonder what took me so long to decide whom I want to settle with, and I now see why and how I am with Martin today. I have to go through many lessons in life to even know myselef better, and how I met Martin is also so God-sent, and I'm a God-send to him too, mind you! I couldn't fit him into my schedule, and I learned to reschedule my life and reprioritise, and of course he didn't catch on till much later, and I'm glad I persevered.

For a while now we've been chiming "Martin's the best", and I've learned over time to say likewise to him, "Angela's the best." Indeed, we are the best for each other. It's interesting to come to a point where you want to be with each other for the rest of your lives, for better or for worse eventhough we know we are flawed beings and can have the most ridiculous rows and glaring differences.

As for my couple of hours of net adventure in search for the past that both sparked and also dimmed, I'm just really ready to settle down with just 'the one' man. No wonder they say love is strange and it needs lots of work to accept, compromise and live unfairy-tale-like. Perfect that he is not, as he's imperfect in many ways. I suppose that's what makes him so special and how much I think he's imperfectly perfect for the imperfectly perfect little moi. That's how unstory-book our lives will always be and that'll always be our version of a real-life love story.

Stumped

2007-05-02T02:17:00.000+08:00

Whinging is never my forte, but I think I deserve to whinge this time. I had cold water splashed on my face on two accounts of the day - a revelation of my spirituality, and a lack of support from my other half. I'm stumped.

The initial was good. I was humbled by the learning of what was the actual image of the very last "missing" piece to my spiritual jigsaw. My spiritual weakness was spotted, and I took it with good grace, knowing that my ol' friends spoke sense.

I knew it all along at the back of my mind, I just needed to be told and reminded on this. I saw new meanings to my father's and sister's advice before. This religious obedience should no longer delay, I'm chalking it all up to a plan of actions which I will begin this sunday. I did not lack the wisdom of knowing this as in how to do it, and when to do it, I was just foolish to not heed this wisdom, and thought delaying the action would be a wiser move. Wrong move, no wonder I've been stumped for so long.

Honesty in a kind form was all I need. I've lack the wisdom of simplicity, and now gained it after toppling from my pedestal of self-proclaimed queen of wisdom to complexity. My goals are simple. I only strive to be a better person - it's what I've always wanted, worked for, and looked forward to. Perhaps my efforts to attain these were just never real efforts, I was just too plain busy being clouded by current affairs, a typical casualty of situation. I just needed to be understood. Being misunderstood is never pleasant. Lacking the effort to put things into perspective is just plain disobedience amongst other glaring excuses of why I 'didn't do, was thinking of doing and was intending to do'. All these have stunted the spiritual side of me in this case, I'm a spiritual stump.

I know blessings involve obedience. I should know this, as I'm the product of a blessing, no lesser recipient to receive blessings either. I've just chose not to walk in the light, and was blinded by the glittery neon lights of hedonism. I've too have had life-long observations and exposures to obedience, in both its structure, practice, theories and theology... all rolled into one. I know it too well... I will now follow suit like my father before me, and before... and endless upline list to repent. To reconstruct myself again, and walk in the lighted path once more, I will need to realign myself to practice the wisdom of obedience, otherwise I'm still the same spiritual stump, self-created.

My other half, tumbled down from the pedestal that I've built for him. My fault to have expectations. My fault to trust my deepest thoughts. My fault to share even. My fault to not tailor-make it to be palatable. My fault to contribute to the misunderstanding for not being clear. It's all my fault. Still, I'm not sorry for being the way I am. I have a right to share whatever's in my little red heart and pulsating little mind. Perhaps men are really from mars, and women are really from venus. I thought mars men and venus women theories were crap, but crap happens. I'm stumped crap to this whole gender business.

I wonder whether it's cold feet from my end to be critical of him or I'm only reciprocating his criticisms of me. Whatever it is, it takes two to clap. Wait a minute... I've been clapping the air with one hand for too long while he stands there hands down. I wish he'd raise his hand to give me a hi-five when I need it. Oh well, wishful thinking. Another day is over, another day is stumped.

I can take criticisms standing or lying down as long as it's done constructively. I did not see the constructiveness of today's tete-a-tete nor a few of our past conversations... historically. I'm sensitised to recognise it - it's all due to painful experiences. Today was the pinnacle of all squashed days, I felt battered, if not bashed. Who's right, who's wrong, who cares? Whatever it is, there was no taste to it as I was reduced to tears. I'm a believer of 'it's not what one says, but how one says it'. His lack of sensitivity towards such a small thing had my little red heart is bitten into two. Whilst my brain has fallen open into two separate halves, one half with new perceptions of how I want my life to be, the other half with old souvenirs of my remaining love, buried amongst the avalanche of disappointments. Maybe I'm really stumped this time.

My mind is now more open than before, but the two halves are no longer connected. I have to stop myself from moving, and physically piece the two halves my of brain together, and glue back the two little red heart-halves to make it a whole heart again. Only with my brains connected, and heart-halves pieced, I could generate a logic or at least to remember why I love this man in the first place. If I don't put in the effort to stop and think, I can easily forget the meaning of love, and only remember how inlovable he is. Maybe he's the one who's stumped!

I just cannot erase the line where my little red heart broke off. It's there, it's a reminder no matter how much effort I put in to camouflage that line. There goes the Effort word again! This word has been overused in regards to my healing, my tolerance and whatever goodness that is left in me. Effort is beginning to sound like a bad word, a vocab laced with the memory of failure, corrupted with disappointments... I need to detox. *cough, cough* Oooh... is my love life stumped too?

How many chances should I give this man? I'm counting... still counting as I stamp and dog-ear my way through my pages life.

Not good enough

2007-04-13T01:08:00.000+08:00

I've just clocked in another year not too long ago. Parents and sis called me up on the big day itself, and colleague-friends celebrated for me as well at Sakae Sushi. Yums. Bro and sis-in-law wasn't bothered, but I expected this. *Sigh* So, relationship with Bro, it's still not good enough.

This is officially my year since the turn of CNY. Yes, this is the year of the fire pig, but miscontrued to be the year of the golden pig. Feng Shui masters say that this is a bad year for anything... but who cares about Feng Shui nonsense? These folks' explanation out of hocus pocus star reading and listening to whispers in the wind is just not good enough to put me off from believing that God's providence will come through at the end of the day, no matter how dark and bleak things can be.

This is also THE year where I'm even more frugal than ever, as I'm beginning to count down the days to my retirement. So, money-wise, I'm doing better than the previous years. Still, it's not good enough. I must save up!

Now, what have I learned being a year older and perhaps not any wiser? I've become more blunt in some ways, and a little rounder around the edges in some other ways, including weight-wise. Oh... there's the word again... "wise". Perhaps, I've become more pig-ish, if there's such a word... as in being more hedonistic and not give a toss to anything that stands in my way, and continue to be vain eventhough I don't look quite it these days. Who cares if I'm not good enough to eat?

On the love-relationship front, he's still procastinating like before. I'm sick and tired of this lackadaisal attitude in not getting his priorities right in regards to me. Manifestation of sensitivity? I don't detect any from him, but there's lots from me. Perhaps the statistics are right, when one doesn't marry by the 4th dating year, everything goes downhill. In fact, divorces and separations usually occur in the 4th year of marriage relationships. In my case, it's not that I'm not trying hard enough to bridge things. I think he's just not good enough for me.

What a boarish attitude I have these days. Can't blame me, as I've been too long a crowd pleaser, persevered too much, and just too patient that I've been an addled brain hussy. So, this year, I'll just be a charging boar and to do things my way. I'm building up on my idiosyncracies. Whoever who says thatI'm not good enough, I'd say "go home and suck on granny's eggs".

So, I'm good enough for anything and everything. I will not be beaten :).

Change

2007-01-29T00:27:00.000+08:00

There is always ground to continue learning and seeing new things. I've learned over the years, not in an easy way, but with many pains, resiliences, betrayals etc. Then again, at this day and age, I've gone past the thinking of knowing it all, because I'm definitely not the miss-know-it-all that I used to be in my 20s. I know, after many lessons in life that times are a changing as I once again have had the chance to remind myself to blog this when I listened to Bob Dylan's song on the radio today - "The Times they're a changin".

As such, I have my mind playing on this tune the whole evening. It so happened, that I had an impromptu meet-up with an old friend, whom to me is like a daughter, friend and a sibling all rolled into one. I've seen her grown up from an awkward child to one who faces relationships and also the corporate world. She's not all there yet due to age and experience. Emotionally, she's in her 20s, and coporate-wise, she's in her 30s. All I can say is that she needs to know herself and not be further torn apart with her emotions and what she has in reality in the current world.

Still, I'm proud to see where she is today, and yet worry for her at the same time for the lack of control of what's going on in the corporate world. For old veterans like myself and many others who have survived the corporate world, we will not fall into the trap of obligation as per my little friend there. However, I understand her sentiments, and I know her frustrations because I'm old enough to look at things with some form of wisdom, hence I still wait for time to guide her alongside with my palatable advice.

It's not too long ago when I've learned to catapult myself into the shoes of different ages... and I'd say, taking on teaching has helped me a whole lot. Having taught young adults and late teengagers, and these days, 6-year-olds and 9-year-olds.... are all the best decisions that I've ever made in my life. All these teaching experiences reminded me to forgive those who are young, and those who will make mistakes and ask innocent and obvious questions. In a sense, it's therapeutic for me, and also liberating for them, as all these experiences in teaching and learning also teaches both them and myself to empathise and learn more of the world. I for example, have relived childhood all over again with new eyes, and liberated many old ghosts while growing up. It's never too late to grow up, I reckon.

Most of all, I've learned to accept flaws and differences which I cannot change in others. This in turn, helped me to understand the child within myself, the many unanswered questions that I sometimes harbour out of disatisfaction and unliberated childhood woes. It seems that it's not all blamed unto the second-child syndrome of mine, but also perception. In view of perception, it's all about choice at the end of the day, and once again, I've been reminded time and again that there's always a 10% variable of the uncontrollable that affects the rest of the 90% of life. I'm still grasping the ropes of reaction and understand the possible repercussions and retributions of a negative reaction. Hence, living life 'well-thought' can make one hell of a difference at the end of the day.

When I think that I've grasped what is the 'thing' to do today, it's already time for it to expire... and I've still peeling my eyes to the signs of times and accept that times are a changin' in which I've to adapt, respect and to accept, whatever they may be, without changing my basic principles. With this, I leave you with Bob Dylan's visionary song:

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road isRapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'.
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

The odd one

2006-11-12T01:47:00.000+08:00

Yes, every family has an odd member, which means every person has an odd sibling and every parent has an odd child who seems to be completely different in mentality, lifestyle and emotional quotient.

Usually there are some similarities in characteristics amongst siblings, but there's bound to be an oddie that is mysteriously unexplainable eventhough they are all produced by the same set of parents. Somehow, there's a lack of cohesiveness to other members of the family, this member is always feeling alienated and unsupported. I'm not speaking of a second child syndrome here, which is another set of ballgame altogether.

I once had this very topic of discussion amongst a few friends, and they've all come up with a theory, jokingly - Same factory's produce may not necessarily mean the same way of making the product. Yeah, a little crude, but it shouldn't matter, doesn't it? lol I have no idea, I'm not experienced in that department.

Now, jokes aside, don't you find that it's really mind boggling at times when an odd child can only be identified by the family unit, and 'never' by most outsiders? The dissimilarities in characters could even jeopardise decision-making in family meetings etc. Let's not even mention gender differences or child-position-syndrome differences. It's no wonder why dysfunctional family movies are a big hit, because every individual can identify with a character or two in the movies, and it's not spoken widely enough, yet accepted without a whimper as if it's a common thing - non-issue.

So, what am I quipping about at the end of the day? Perhaps I'm 'odd' in the sense that I have a high EQ, in which lots of people are not bothered about thinking of other people's emotions but just take care of his / her own. Perhaps this could this be just the odd child's perception towards his / her family that yields a different set of behaviour or something else which may still boil down to the essense of "why does this always have to happen to me"?

Speaking of this, I personally have an odd sibling, who actually accuses me to be the odd one instead of him. I've certainly made enough waves and enough statements in the family unit to pay attention to this. My parents call me the 'over-sensitive child'. To me, I think to live in the society, one has to have proper decorum e.g. table manners, opening sentences, politeness etc all in the book of life to fit into the society. I accept a child's rudeness and will correct it, and expect it not to be repeated. My parents somehow, never corrected my brother's... and it has carried over into his adult life. What more, he has recently matched himself with a partner who is just as well-accepted of his flaws. So, there goes, things will not change.

Well, whatever it is, I've come to a conclusion that it could just be a character clash at the end of the day where even the saying "blood is thicker than water" might not even make the cut? So, sistser moneybags is still indisposable to my brother, while sister cookingwok is since a voluntary replacement has taken place :D. What more is there am I to complain about?

Beauty

2006-11-11T00:57:00.000+08:00

Today, I've learned the most simple, and yet the silliest thing ever from a friend. Still, it warmed my heart and tickled me pink, and filled me with thoughts for the day: -

Question: If I have a bee in my hand, what's in my eyes?

Answer: Beauty

Of course, before I was presented with the simple answer, I was asked to guess. My guess, as frank and laced with cynism was, "Stinging pain". When asked to explain my answer, I said, "the stinging pain is due to the trapped bee stinging my palm". How negative. I sadly possess a lack of simple intellect to link the question to the old English adage, "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder". In the case of the question, it was a play of sounds, "bee-holder". I laughed so hard, that I could feel a stitch on my side, and think "how could I miss that"? Well, it's simply because I am like every citizen of the fallen world, my mind is corrupted with negative thoughts, that end up being complex for even the most simple line of questioning.

We think 'survival', and arm ourselves with negativity to fight imagined negativity in defense. Despite there's hope of positiveness, we easily choose to ignore it and retaliate and react with pseudo intelligence at times. Such tomfoolery.

My mind burned with this thought, "Have we become so suspicious and careful that we ourselves are the creators of our own stumbling blocks in life?"

Speaking of stumbling blocks, I thought of how we create potholes and craters in God's providence of a pavement in gold and silver for our journey in life. We are hardly grateful of God's blessings. No matter how much goodness is given and provided in this journey, we still think that this pavement for our journey is not good enough. Instead, we take our journeys in our own hands, and decide to add tar, chemicals and do all sort of rough patch works on it to 'perfect' the road.

Did this 'perfect' road, paved by our very own selfish needs lead on to what our very hearts desire? Do our desires yet to quench our thirst and dim the beauty of God's Will in our lives. In our pursuit of our desires, our eyes have lost its sheen of beauty, and replaced with a glimmer of greed for a materialistic life. We shun God's Will, thinking that we will be unhappy to follow through. Do we know better than the Creator?

Many of us have corrupted, even repackaged and rebranded 'beauty'. We live in denial that we could be the God of our lives. We go by physical beauty, eye-candies that can be weathered with age and time. There can be beauty that cannot be waned by the weathers of life, and that is looking at life positively.

Look carefully, every soul still have that beauty, a sense of positiveness though it could be shielded by harsh experiences. Beauty in the soul can be easily lost along the way due to our exposure to the ways of the world.

Picking up ugliness is always an easier way, a shortcut to other deceptions of "beauty". True and real beauty is long-lasting, and will not be drained of its vibrance and meaning in life. We need such beauty for our spiritual growth, and to reach out to those who are thirsty or to quench our very own thirst for our spirits. The spirit man needs spiritual food, and that's from the beauty of God's plans for us.

Today's experience helped me remember "beauty" and its essence of purity, innocence and simplicity. It may seem child-like to the point of being naive to think of such essence to apply to the world and its people.

Our focus in life is to build up more beauty in the world, rather than concentrating on its downsides, deceptions, disappointments and all those inter alia with negative forces. Ridding of negative forces involve bigger works and efforts than gaining the joys of positiveness.

With today's experience, I take it as a sublimal reminder that it's good to remember what God has done in my life, and give thanks. I'll take this day to heart, and renew my vows for the umpteenth time that I shall, and want to stay focus in my journey on that very road that is paved with silver and gold.

It's not easy to see this pavement of silver and gold, as I have to put on a heart of a child. A child-like heart is vulnerable and has no guard, it's led by faith. It's truly easier to enter the kingdom of heaven this way. While travelling down that road of providence, don't forget that it's essential to bring along our companions, namely faith, hope, love, grace, mercy and forgiveness.

There is bound to be beauty in one's eyes when such companions are travelling together in one's journey of life. There, my world of beauty defined :).

Kismet

2006-10-26T00:12:00.000+08:00

Blogging has been in my mind for a while, but I don't have enough hours in the day to spare and spill my heart's contents through writing anyway *sniff*. Yes, writing is amongst my first loves, not that I have many, first loves, that is :). Sometimes I imagine myself, making a living out of writing, and writing things that I love to write out of a hobby that also helps to earn myself a living. Perhaps my dream of such a kismet or 'fate' may come true if I pray hard enough? It doesn't matter, I'm happy with God's Will and Providence.

Speaking of Will and Providence, my dearest is a man of few words. Sometimes I think that God has His humour with me with my irony of loving quietness but do-not-do-much-to-promote-it kind of personality. Somehow, I prefer quietness but sometimes find quietness deafening where I'd do anything to fill the silence with words.

Sometimes, my man of few words is so quiet that I mentally do the finger counting of the quiet seconds that tick by. When he chooses to speak, I too unconsciously sum up his words, not that I'm into keeping count. It's a fact that I'm the wordy one who sometimes ignore punctuations, and is obnoxious with blarring run on sentences. I sometimes even imagine that my continuous wordiness drives my man-of-few-words to seek solace in a silent assylum :) - the cave, in the form of his books and guitar-playing *grin*. Ah, the technical bits of gender communication.

Is it good or bad? That's my famous quizzical line. Indeed, our verbal communication isn't as heavy as it used to be, once even clocking in an 8-hour conversation over the phone (inclusive of pee-breaks). Those days of madness are of course, gone.

Today, there are few words to exchange with each other, other than informing each other of our accounts of the day. After that, we may halt to a silence - not comfortable all the time, but acceptable silence. However, the silence is not to be read as a dry patch in our love life, but a sense of comfort with each other's space and the reality of work, limited hours in a day, and most of all, living a life.

Life as it is, and as human as we are, our relationship have it's many facets of communication. We have our moments of telepathy, our meeting of minds across the ocean, prayers, netspace and space. There isn't a need to fill each quiet moment with words, as understanding his quietness with my own quietness is our honesty in acceptance and respect for each other. If there is nothing to say, there's just nothing to say. We are basically not mad-happening people who are at every happening scene in the city! We are humans. At least, these are my interpretations.

Interpreting can be tricky, as I do not want to over-read nor under-read things that are between the lines. In fact, there may not be anything between the lines at all, and it could be all in funny imagination.

However, it's definitely not an imagination on my end that my feelings are still true and strong, and I believe he is too, at the same page as I am. Our few words to each other should not, and do not water down the facts to who, what and where we are.

Being the way we are, our missing of each other is evident, and it's not only a blinking sign for us to get together again, but also a sign of comfort or contentment in being with each other. Being together again would be the ideal situation (not long to go as I'm doing my countdown), as we'll get to do things together e.g. witnessing scenarios together that ranges from walking to dining, churching to family gatherings etc. It's all in communion of togetherness, in the name of love, and in being God-fearing to realise all these. Through all these it gives more meaning to our five senses, brings our experiences and companionship and comradeship to life. It's a form of reassurance, and security blanket that we are just as much into each other as before.

As before, now and the future, we are ever grateful for our Sweet Lord's blessings, providence and faith that has walked us through our darkest hours of doubt and helplessness. We will not be where we are today without God's grace and mercy. How beautiful it is for us to share the same beliefs.

So, few words he may have, it doesn't matter, because we believe in each other, and reunite under the same Father Almighty. Consolidating our faith in a miniature church we've built in our hearts, and in communion with the mass through our togetherness is all that we want in our lives - simplicity. We will walk together through the thick and thin of times, and continue in our prayers for each other. I believe, he knows that he's all the man that I ever want in my life, and I know that I am all that he ever wants in his life, and this is kismet, our kismet :).

"Click"

2006-08-27T02:10:00.000+08:00

I just walked in the door from watching a midnight movie called "Click", with Adam Sandler and Kate Beckinsale in it. There were moments where I almost split my face into halves laughing so hard, while some parts jerked the tears out of me. There I was, sitting in the midst of a crowd of movie goers, I was strung from one extreme end of an emotion to another. It was one of the most entertaining comedy shows I've watched so far this year.

When it comes to movies, it's all thumbs up when I can identify with the characters. Not so long ago, I went through a tad bit of what the Adam Sandler character went through, missing important bits in life. Not by fastforwarding or having my hands on a universal remote control, but I was drowned in work.

While being soaked up in work, I missed good friends' weddings, important gatherings / reunions with friends and family. As much as I was drowned, I was dead to the rest of the world, a zombie that went through the motions of life. Sucked into the vortex of corporatese that knows no boundaries of family life, and personal development, I was milked dry and pressed flat between a hard place and the grind stones of work. I breathe, slept, ate and drank work, a lost cause for someone who has always loved life. I had lost myself then to the materialistic world. Click was almost all about that. Like the character, I was too, reminded at some point, when down in the ruts and the crumbling walls of life, that family must come first, not work.

Work in the old place, makes me shudder. I still wonder in awe how did I give 3 years of my life into such a heartless company then? As heartless as it was, I was in the training to be a hard nut. I became hard to crack - inpenetrable to kindness, and considerableness. All it mattered to me was to get things done and out of the way - I slogged day in and day out. It was all in obligation to the dark side of the world, I became a slave at my own will and TanSri was the pharoah who reigned without the whip. Not that he was any idol, I despised the way he personifies God. We were subjects bent in fear, and it was a reign of fear that he inflicted upon us all - the employees. How I have had gotten into an obligatory position with a sense of having to obey, is plain strange. Almost cultish, and to a point, a form of paganism emerged.

It's no wonder how such paganism seeped into me then, unknowingly, or unconsciously. Having to miss church and all things dear to me due to unreasonable projects and meetings that has to be held on weekends including sundays, I still thought that I was in control of my life. I lost it then, I couldn't see it even if life hits me between the eyes. I was blinded by the need to be promoted, the nasty competitions to stay afloat, the dark politics to keep things in order... keeping the rebellious in line. There is a price to be paid in the form of sacrifices - your family, your time. Like a commodity, I was bought into work. Being paid 30% above market price, I sealed the deal.

With this deal, I paid my dues to my family by being completely short fused, I was lacking in love, grace, respect, faith, hope and sobriety. I was very unlovable then. I could empathise with the character on such unlovableness, and remembered the unattractive side of things that I've then adopted. I did not receive my wake-up call till a couple of years after. Yes, it was my brother who jolted me back to life - my brother told me at the turn of year 2002 that I've changed into a monster. Then only, it clicked into me, I was a monster in the making. Only then did I take drastic moves to apply for another job, a last straw to save my worthiness, or perhaps, self-worth - to be once again, a soul worthy of love for my family's consumption and to all who love / loved me.

Worthiness, at the end of the day, is effort. Likewise with love, one has to work on being lovable to be loved. As for spending time with family, one will have to manage the time and say no to all things that disassembles family ties, and relationship with God. Once again, Click, kudos, you've made it clear to the audience that family comes first. To change for the better, to be a better person for myself, my family and all those around me is something that I remember never to sacrifice. I suppose, in time to come, it'll click on to someone else who used to be in my situation from the old work place, and also the character in Click before it's too late to mend ties, in making life a better journey to experience, and the world, a better place to survive in.

Rain, rain, go away...

2006-08-26T13:11:00.000+08:00

... come again another day... Yeah, remember that song we used to sing back in kindergarten days? At least that's what I sang when I was in the kindy in the 70's. Ok, ok, stop rolling ya eyes and casting weird looks my direction! Nevertheless, no rain heeds that song these days, and I wonder why do they teach kiddies that song in those days. Stormy days and whatever downpours that bring thunder and lightning are different from those days too. Perhaps the end of the world's coming, *gasp*.

Talking about the end of the world, my world's crumbling due to my time-management. I don't seem to have enough hours in a day to get all my things done, especially things that I want to do, plan to do, and dream to do! Just for this week alone, I made a simple plan to swim every evening, and guess what, nature had to spoil it for me! Rain just come and spoil my serene evening of dreams to swim!!

I'm hissing like a drenched hell-cat at the moment, because I couldn't venture near any pool unless I feel like ascending to heaven on a stormy day. Do hell-cats go to heaven? Anyway, with all the thunder and lightning rolling and grumbling away in the sky, bellowing, "I dare you come out, I'll zap you pork bellies into a crispy piece of bacon". Geez, I wouldn't want to float face-down in a pool resembling a piece of charcoaled bacon crisp. My imagination's running wild at the moment with the many kinds of headlines in the Star newspaper.

Talking about the media, a.k.a. the liar, there are prints stating the weather will not be as fair as I'd have hoped it it to be. Maybe this is the only speck of truth they are reporting since it's always safer to talk about the weather without any political insinuations!? Whatever. But still, who trusts the weather these days? It's all gone haywire these days.

Haywire that it is, and here I am again, on a sunny saturday afternoon, clearing my laundry, and hoping that the sun will stay up in the sky long enough for the day. Nothing is more satisfying that sun-sweet-crisp-smelling clothes. So, am crossing my fingers till it's numb, "no rain, please, no rain please", I'd quip like a banshee. I need to exercise, and swimming's the best to move all those unmoved muscles and sinews in the body... it's time to live a healthier lifestyle and cut down on the food. That is at least my short-term (hopefully it'll be converted into a long-termed one!) plan ... So, I'll sing the ol' song again since nothing works... rain, rain, go away....

Painful lessons in lending $$

2006-08-19T12:19:00.000+08:00

It's great disappointment when you lend $$ to a trusted friend who is in real deep shit ends up not wanting to pay you back because they declare they don't have the $$ to do so. While they are in their bankrupted situation, you still see them dishing out money left, right and center for things that are frivolous and eating like a king but they are just not paying you back! You waste years doing the follow up and couldn't close your accounts book for the year due to that debt. When you ask them, they'd buy you a coffee and say how they can't pay back. It's really sad, being taken advantage of this way. When you drill into their heads how irresponsible they are, they start avoiding you and not pick up your calls or avoid your calls.

I am beyond disappointed at the moment with this, and it has taught me a valuable lesson that no matter how deep in a rut a friend is, and how much they beg, they are not seeing a single cent from me. It's a pity that if certain cases are genuine, but what can I do when I myself is living cautiously and do not have a lot of spare money to go around.

This is not good. Not even in the name of friendship or genuineship or whatever 'ship' one should overlook. Borrowers of such end up making lenders heartless at the end of the day. Genuine borrowers will now join in the bandwagon of the irresponsible that may range from cheaters to liars. Sad.

Talk "the talk" and Walk "the walk"

2006-08-16T21:18:00.000+08:00

What a total waste of time I've recently had trying to reason with a colleague-friend whom I dote on. That status of being 'doted on' is scraped off now. I'm facing for the umpteenth time, and witnessing discussions that went awry. If you want to gauge a "talk to a walk" journey, you will see very few who gets there if the ego is in the way. My dotee could talk 'the talk' but couldn't walk 'the walk'. It was disappointing to see another bites the dusk when he appears to be really righteous and filled with justice. Basically - you'd think 'this is a good bloke'.

Yes, the dotee is now a pup in my eyes, and has scored himself lots of points in the demented compartment for proudly and majestically calling himself a psycho dude. Poor me, the doter, mine eyes that have had once risen has now fallen. Turning 30 this year doesn't do him any justice either. So, another point proven - maturity doesn't necessarily move exponentially with age. Even if maturity hits him on the face, he won't see it... very sad.

Like a broken down record he kept calling himself that two-word-3-syllable thing... it was actually mentioned in almost every sentence, and sometimes twice in the same sentence but separated by a comma. Yes, worse still is that it was done in proud declaration. I could hear the echoes of it still, 'Everybody knows I'm a psycho dude-ude-de-e, and I tell them that I'm a psycho dude-ude-de-e', so they remember and know that I'm a psycho dude-ude-de-e'. Yeah, I forgot that one, there were 3 mentions of the word in a sentence. Voila! Bring out your DSMIV and add on a new word with a new definition, complete with a picture to 'say it all' (I'll provide the pix!).

Yes, I'm diversing because I'm still kicking myself for wasting my time (eventhough I was bored out of my darn fishy gills!). Ok, I'll hit back on the track... the topic was all on speeding, and mind you, I didn't start it, but he opened his rear end for it. If he wasn't whom I view as a friend, I would have word-lashed him left, right and centre, and whip him into a dollop of goobledegook cream. I was kind, so were the couple of girlie-colleagues and we had every opportunity to do a 'shove it', and do the 'up yours!!' kind of talk for his dumb remarks and unkind rebuttals.

It all began this way, we were bored out of our gills during an open day for the college. There were no flies to smack, no lollies to suck, and no coke to gargle and play bubbles with. Yes, we were THAT BORED! So, we got ourselves into a normal conversation that did not take flight to be a hypothetical one (I failed! *sniff* It was a no brainer!). We discussed a little bit of this and that on speeding - then something hypothetical came up (the opportunity was there!), but it was too intellectual for the psycho dude, and it went into a wrong valve of his, and got trapped in the 'no reasoning zone' compartment. So, in a gist, instead of us saying to him, "up yours!" for starting the fire. He turned it around and did an "up yours" on us, particularly me as if we started it? Strange?

It wasn't so strange in the beginning when the conversation started with traffic jams, lousy road systems etc, which eventually led me to relate to him and a few around me on how I almost got into an accident and truly couldn't brake on time but got lucky *somehow* that very morning. Girlie A said she's been there before too, so did Girlie B, and so did Psycho Dude.

So, all were in agreement that my story for the morning was empathised by all. To relate the scenario at the lobby, here goes:

I was relating the story that I driving within the speed limit of 90km/hr and had to come to a sudden stop right at the bend of the LDP highway. As I paused for a breathe, and Psycho dude quipped, "Speed kills". Still, I continued by admitting that I was scared shit and swore to slow down and anticipate for the worse when I get to any road bends in the future. Another quip from you-know-who, "Speed Kills" got inserted conveniently as I took another deep breathe. I paused as I was wondering what's the 'speed talk' all about when I was not talking of a speeding story? I looked at him for a split of a second with a little bit of 'wondering what's going on?', but continued my story... that cars were choc-a-bloc, motionless after a bend on the highway without anyone being able to see or antipate the jam starts from there? With everyone around me basically driving around 90km/hr down that LDP highway, without any forewarning, every car screeched with obvious emergency braking as nothing was moving ahead of us! Cars eventually and slowly inched forward, and finally found the culprit for the sudden jam - a couple of road cleaners waving a red flag for everyone to drive only on the right lane (in a two-lane highway) so that no one will run over the small bump of rubbish they swept up on the left side of the road. Only in Malaysia one would have almost a 110 degree corner going uphill, and some silly road sweepers doing their job at 8:30am rush hour on a higihway - who could see beyond that bend, and who would anticipate a couple of sweepers doing their duty at that time?

Nevertheless, when I ended my story, a third quip came through, "Speed Kills" says the dude, a.k.a. psycho. Then, the drama of a conversation took flight from this point :

Girlie A said: "Hey, you say speed kills, but you speed too what?" (in jesting manner)

Psycho: "Yeah, but I know what I'm doing" (in a sudden defensive mode)

Me: "Yeah, there will never be accidents if everyone on the road says that". (Uh oh, me and my big mouth of factual speeches.)

Psycho: "Yeah, I speed, and everybody knows that I'm the ***** **** (please don't make me repeat this again, scroll up and read)"

Me: "Would you still speed if you are ferrying your loved ones?"

Psycho: "Yes, because they all know that I am the ***** ****, and I tell them that I'm a ***** ****, and they know that I'm a ***** **** before they get into my car. I know they will all be safe in my car. It's fate and it's up to them"

Me: "So, as long as they agree to be in your car, they will be at your mercy because you rely on fate. Isn't it better to be safe than to be sorry?"

Girlie A: "Ya lar, you said speed kills, so where's your responsibility? If I'm driving by myself, I sometimes speed, but if I have someone in the car, I slow down because I think of others.

Psycho: "EVeryone knows I'm a crazy driver on the road. I tell them first, and people are scared when they are in my car, but after a few times, they get used to it"

Girlie A: "What if accident happens? How can you be so selfish?"

Psycho: "So? This is me, and this is the way I am. I am the ***** ****"

Me: "So, hypothetically speaking, if you are driving someone you love, and the person dies in your car while you are speeding, you will still have this stand and you call it fate?"

Psycho: "Yes" (He has begun shaking his legs in irritation)

Me: "So, this means that you are not responsible for your loved ones' lives?"

Psycho: "You are illogical, woman! I have already said that I am the way I am. I'm the ***** **** man, and everybody knows it. What do you want me to say? You want me to say that I am selfish / irresponsible? Fine, then I am selfish and irresponsible! Happy? You are not making any sense and I don't understand a word you are saying! This conversation is going no where!"

Me: "Well, this is a simple discussion with a hypothetical scenario. Of course, you can be what you want to be. Being hypothetical is fine too in getting to know what people think. Sometimes people agree to disagree and disagree to agree all the time and still be fine. Why the aggitation?

Psycho: "You are irritating me"

Me: "Fine, I'll accept your explanation, and it's still fine for anyone to ask anything or answer anything they like. I'll agree to disagree, and you may disagree to agree. I do push the envelop a little for one to think beyond one's comfort level"

Psycho: "What is pushing the envelop? What envelop? You make no sense, you hear me? Just stop here! Everybody knows that I'm the *again* (raising his voice and no longer looking at me, and shaking his legs frantically).

At that point, I realised that I'm speaking to someone who is just plain "Yar Marn" (This is a Hakkha for someone who has no reasoning, and only aspire to win no matter what and how, and can turn violent if he / she didn't get his / her way).

To make things worse, he's not well-read, can never "take" but only "give". So, I decided to just walk away, and headed straight to the toilet (100 feet away). When I was on my way back to the lobby, another new colleague guy was sitting there (let's call him Guy A, as he was so eavesdropping all along), apparently sat facing me and when he saw me, his lips moved, saying, "Here she comes again". With that, I couldn't resist but deliberately walk over again and said to Guy A, "I saw you were saying "Here she comes again. Don't fan the situation". Guy A sat back, agaped and agawked. Then I turned to Psycho dude, "There isn't a need to be so irritated. We can still have our beers together even after this conversation. I accept your reasonings, and I've sat in your car numerous times before and I did almost throw up twice due to your speeding and sudden braking. So, cool it". Psycho Dude replied, while shaking his legs frantically again, "I'm not irritated. I don't care what other people think. I know who I am and what I am, I'm the *again*". I said, "Ok". He quickly answered, "Mm" but shook his legs even at a faster speed that I could feel him generating some cool air near my legs. With that, I walked away, knowing that he wants to have the last word, no matter how and what. So, while I was walking away, my mind quickly came up with 8 lessons that I've learned for the day:

LESSON #1: Never to have intelligent talks or sensible discussions with people who are set in their ways. They are just plain "yar marn".

LESSON # 2: Not every friend can take straight talks and see that you mean well.

LESSON #3: No matter what age a person's at, if he/she doesn't want to think, he / she just wouldn't to think. Give up! Full Stop.

LESSON # 4: Education level counts (at most times). Those who read will always have better thinking skills and better grasp on vocabulary, theories, figurative speeches, analogies etc.

LESSON $ 5: If you meet a 'yar man' person whom you care for, just behave like a bimbo. It will salvage your friendship as it makes the person feel smarter and could probably teach you a trick or two.

LESSON #6: Men's ego rules. Chauvenism is not dead yet, but chivalry has died with a sad whimper. Eventhough a discussion is not heading to ego land, it will still end up being a pawn in the battle of ego. Just look pretty and agree to everything he says if he means something to you.)

LESSON #7: This is a true manifestation of the Napoleon syndrome, it's not just a short Chinese man thing, but all races have it.

LESSON #8 (most important!!): To accept as a fact that there will always be people who could talk 'the talk' and never ever walk 'the walk' eventhough they opened up their loop hole of a mouth first.

WHAT A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME!!!

When one lives in a war torn country...

2006-08-10T21:42:00.000+08:00

I asked a colleague who is a Palestinian, "Do you still have family back in Palestine? Did they evacuate to a safer place with the war going on? I'm just curious and want to hear from someone who is from the country instead of relying on the media"

His reply: "There's no war in Palestine, it's between Israel and Lebanon. If there's a war, where can the people evacuate to? It's their homes, it's their land, why should they evacuate? How long can they stay in another country if they can evacuate? 1 month, 2 months? That's the most. Everybody thinks it's easy to evacuate, but it's not. I have been asked this many times.

People who hold passports from the middle east cannot just get into another country, they need visas. Nobody wants them. Unless it's people who have citizenship in another country, then they can go. Unlike Malaysians, you can go anywhere you like, but still, you cannot stay in another country forever.

My meek response : "I see"

He continued in a matter of fact, "Last week, my Uncle and his family all died - his wife and seven children. 2 survived, but one is critical. My uncle is a lecturer in a university, and a bomb hit his home at 3am in the morning. Where can they go? If you survive, you are lucky, if you don't, too bad. I grew up in Palestine, I survived.

I squeaked another weak response, "I see". I was too shocked to see that he spoke of his relatives in such a 'fact of the matter' fashion.

He added on, "My father left his land 50 years ago when the Israelites came. We never got out land back. My father died, without setting foot into his land. We will continue to fight and hope to see our land one day.

Who can say? You see, who are the bad people? The Palestine say the Israelites are bad, and the Israelites say the Palestinians are bad. So, you can see how it is."

Towards the end of the conversation, he broke out into a smile, and said, "We live in a holy land, there will always be war, if today it's with Lebanon, tomorrow may be with Syria, and then next may be with Egypt and so on. No ending. Let's hope the war will never come to Malaysia, but they are all watching muslim countries now..."

Throughout the conversation, he was to the point and spoke easily without much display of emotions. I expected anger, or perhaps some form of anguish, but it never came. How very true, 'they are all watching muslim countries now'...

I will never forget the look in his eyes - all hardened with the endless years of wars - one after another. Death is so 'common', and he accepts it so well. After that, I paused to think that I'm so sheltered from all these, and I think I would be completely crushed and not being able to verbalise my relatives' death. How painful this is...

I spent a few minutes of silence after that for the dead who did not survive the wars. I remind myself once again, to count my blessings eventhough I face hardships because I'm still sheltered from harsher things in life, such as 'wars'.

"Problems" and Strange friendships

2006-07-26T01:09:00.000+08:00

Time and again, I tell myself that at this day and age, I'm done with adolescent problems being plonked onto my plate. Yes. I'm talking about grown ups who are living in a 20-year-old time warp of soul-searching and discovering 'the self'. For some reason, I have attracted odd balls who treat me like their shrink just because they've discovered that psychology is my first discipline at the university. Bloody hell, I've explained a million and one times that I'm not qualified even to be an informal shrink.

If only I've clocked in 10 cents per minute over these years for time wasted in listening to problems, I'd be a millionaire by now! Call it baggage / extra luggage or whatever, sharing someone's burden doesn't mean that they completely dump their whole cartload of problems on you to solve. Problems are unique to an individual, and they are as subjective as them come i.e. what's a small thing to me could be a big thing to someone else etc... you get the drill. I couldn't believe that I was wavered into contacting an old friend whom I've cut off quietly for more than 6 months after hearing the same old negative things.

Sigh...I'm at awe and sometimes even shell-shocked at whom I'm still keeping the fires of friendship burning. All the negative things that I've heard had probably taken it's toll on me - now that it explains my sudden wave of tiredness and sometimes being stuck in a negative cycle of life at times!

I am now once again, doing my pilgrimage to work slowly towards my boat of positiveness, in walking uphill with my faith in God to keep myself asail in the bliss of hope. Yes, excusing myself is aplenty, because I'm human. I can only do what I can in my own humane capability, and just lend an ear. Never for a day did I think or try to play the role of a super woman, though I sometimes catch myself at the midst of being busier than a bee by over exerting myself to help. I need to help myself these days, gone are the college days and days of my 20s where I lose myself in someone else's problems!

What is the use of getting sapped of energy that lacks appreciation? I tell myself that I'm just listening, and yet, am still being demanded of both my time and energy. Perhaps I've learned a negative trait, by being selfish. I'm thinking more for my own needs in life these days. Sacrifices can be for God, and for a few loved ones, but not for all. I have become selective.

There are even times that I get so cynical from listening that I feel that I am the victim rather than them being the victim! How absurd! Sometimes I think I do possess more testerone than any other females, and definitely cursed with a soft lumpy heart in wanting to help and solve problems, I am a self-made victim and to be victimised. Serves me right! Yes, I've picked this up ages ago and did come to realise my little cycle of a simbiosis relationship with such strange friendships.

Though I have re-categorised the many friends that I have, and made a list of whom to contact more and whom to contact less. There are even a good few that I just had to cut off as they evolved into some toxic beings that stunts both my spiritual and sanity growth... and their obsessive need to trash me for either listening or not listening to them is to help themselves to feel elevated. I've now put a cap to that abuse.

I've tried as much as I could to be a good Christian with a compassionate heart, but still, I struggle to love the unlovable, and forgive the unforgiveable. Over time, the hurt wans off, and am back to giving another go at the friendship. In most cases, 'things are the way as they were before', so, I stepped away for good and close the chapter, and tag a 'I give up' tab on such.

Indeed, effective comparmentalising of emotions and creating little boxes is what I need to do (in which I've done so). I've learned to neatly contain and box up cases - each to it's special little box. Still, once in a while, I meet a jack-in-a-box from these boxes, and I had to attend to a case or two. Most cases ended up reliving the same ol' nightmare, but a few rare occassions, things mended.

Nevertheless, I'm back to organising my own stuff and clean my own skeletons in the closet, no more opening myself to another old friend and old problems that has been aired for years... and it's no wonder why my phone has stopped ringing lol. Seems like I have more toxic friends than really good ones! Cheers to a new lease of life! :)

Little Miser Me

2006-06-16T21:11:00.000+08:00

Hey, I'm proud to declare this since I came back from my sister's graduation in London. No joke, the sterling was, is and will always be just so freaking strong in contrast to the ringgit. While being there for a mere few days, I felt that church mice are millionaires in comparison to little moi. So, tune in for the story in the making of the miserable miser me.

It all began this way... on the eve of my London trip, I splurged on a few items that caught my fancy as per usual since I have some money jiggling in my pockets. Anyway, after having finished with all the things considered 'done', I headed off to the money changer and asked how much RMs do I need to bid adieu for a 100 Sterling pounds. To my horror, the reply was "RM684". So, I had to bargain for less, in which I was given a 1 cent discount and finally departed with RM409 for 60 Sterling pounds. So, that's only enough for my travelling expenses without buying a darn thing. I went home grumbling and thought of how 'poor' I will be when I'm in London.

Soon enough, I was on my way to the airport, with RM600 into my wallet, and a defaulted credit card that has a scratched chip. Yes, defaulted card and RM600 will keep me from being tempted to buy anything. Yeah, what a risk, but still I stuffed that into my wallet. When I reached the airport, I walked past the duty-free shops at KLIA and had completely new eyes on the price tags. Words such as "bloody expensive" kept screaming in my mind. True enough, I didn't buy a thing as I would usually do hehe.

Before I knew it, it was time to board the plane, and I slept well 3-hour stop at Dubai in the early hours of the morning, I was dying for a drink. I settled for a beer - it's been ages since I have had a morning beer!! Yay! When the bill came, I decided to whip out my defaulted card to pay, hoping that it'll go through, if not, I'll pay in RMs. I found out that the card didn't work (drats!), so I asked whether I could pay in RM, and I was told that the exchange rate was then RM1.10 to a Dubai dollar! That ain't worth it knowing that RM0.95 would buy me a Dubai dollar! So, I had depart myself of a 10 Sterling Pounds. Yup, I had a change in return all in Dubai dollars... great! Yes, I'm now left with just 50 Sterling Pounds to survive a 5-day jaunt in London.

When I arrived at the Gatwick, London airport, I had to depart with 25 Sterling Pounds for a return express train ticket to the heart of London. At Victoria station, I had to depart with 3 Sterling again for a one-trip tube ticket to get myself to Bayswater. Great! I'm now extremely loaded with 22 Sterling Pounds to my name for a 5-day survival in London.

From arrival time at the apartment at Bayswater, Papa & Aggie took over to pay for everything! Whew! I was quite happy, and that included all the tour bus tickets and all entrance tickets to this and that place. Just those 2 days, my Papa and Aggie probably spent 100 Sterling on each family member! Staying at the apartment was all for free, as Aggie paid for it too and refused any money / contribution from me. By the second day, I felt awful as a working daughter / sister for accepting the fact that my Papa and Aggie were the only two who are paying for all. So, I decided that I should buy back fresh stuff for breakfast, and cooked breakfast for the next 3 days. That's what I did, and I crunched my numbers as I look at the foods on the shelves in TESCO. Yup, I budgetted a big basket of stuff ranging from salmon to ham and bacon, eggs, yogurt, fresh fruits, peppers, tomatoes and lettuce etc. It was all great value for money, but I had to say bye-bye to 20 Sterling Pounds (which worked out ok, because the array of foods I bought would cost me RM200 or more, and 20 Sterling for all that stuff works out to be around RM130 - considered really cheap). Yes, I'm left with only 2 Sterling Pounds jiggling in my pocket, and another 3 days more to survive London. *Sigh*

On day 4, I decided that I'd better go to the money changer and get myself another 20 Sterling pounds in case of emergency. To my horror, the exchange rate is RM7.5 to 1 Sterling Pound! What a rip off! My Papa discouranged me from changing any money, and told me that he'll 'provide'. So, he gave me 20 Sterling Pounds, and I told him that I'll pay him back in RM... he refused! Anyway, the very next day (day 5), my parents, aunt, uncle & Agnes headed off to Italy. That left me for another 11-hour wait without them before I board the plane home to Malaysia. Good thing that I had Valerie as a companion for the rest of that Saturday, and we went walking around and went to Twinnings, and I bought myself 10 Sterling Pounds worth of good teas...I didn't mind spending on that. So, the teas I bought would have cost me at least RM150 or more in Malaysia and I got it all for an equivalent of RM68.5, half price!!!

Then Valerie insisted on buying me a really good Turkish / Spanish lunch which I'd pay through my nose for if I was in Malaysia. Val insisted on paying, and I couldn't refuse it, as I only have 12 Sterling Pounds by now, remember? lol... oh dearie me... so, it all worked out fine as the bill came out to be 47 Sterling Pounds!

Soon after that, I had to head off to the airport to board on my plane back to Malaysia, my lovely homeland. When I got home, I just couldn't help crunching numbers, and tell myself how much I need to save up. Yup, I'm changed forever, as even when I landed, I did not buy a thing at the duty free shops. I went home empty handed of new goods, but my luggage.... and went straight into Bro's car, who is awaiting outside the gate. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that I did not touch that RM600 I have in my wallet when I got into Bro's car.

Legacy

2006-05-13T12:08:00.000+08:00

We all long to leave a legacy of some kind when we finally pass on. Some slog all their lives to build a legacy by delving into hard works and investing aggressively. While some fight for changes in age-old traditions within their culture to break out of the mould so that others within the community will live in freedom. Of course, freedom in this sense is perceived as a better life to live. So, it's all about 'setting up' a better life for the next generation or someone that we care for a great deal. Such is the common perception of legacy.

On the other hand, it is also of a pride exhibition, as it serves as proof that we have lived fruitfully on earth, it soothes the ego, and gives a peace of mind and heart that they've done their best in humane capability to help their loved ones live a better life. Little do they realise that while they are so busy building their legacies, they have forgotten that the next generation or those that they love are actually the legacies itself - it's not what has been passed on to, or what has been changed, but what has been invested into the younger generation lives to encourage the right behaviour and also the right approach to appreciate and be grateful in life.

Have the world yet to learn its lessons that the focus and attention has to be channelled to the next generation? Not with the actions of putting them aside while you slog for them by lipservicing this "I'm doing this for you". Prove does not come in just words, but by exemplary living. In the media, we read of tycoons' offsprings and other loved ones suffer in spite of having endless wealth and legacies. If only, the focus is on grooming the next generation and children since their tender age would have made the difference. Wth time spent and all that is well-imparted with by example as good parents, the children would live on appreciatively and gratefully of what is passed down to them in time to come.

Many people have a funny way of wanting the world to remember them as well by publishing their good works, their heartbreaks and all their sufferings via their biographies. This is surprisingly done before their lives come to a halt.

Surely it is not when we are living that we have passed all tests in life, but in how our lives end? Putting our best foot forward even from the beginning of life does not predict that we will have an empowering ending.

What kind of impact we want for the future is by exemplary living. What is the use of a 100% slogging and building an empire of wealth and breaking the moulds of traditions when we do not focus on the next generation? Such actions would surely teach the children that everything comes in monetary rewards? What has happened to cultivating love, affection, compassion and empathy? It all begins from the home, isn't it?

Riches in the forms of materialistic and reconstructed legacies are easily squandered off when children those of the next generation are not taught of it's value. Legacy itself in actual fact is how we treat others when we are alive, and this calls for focusing on the next generation. Be they our family, friends or our very own children.

A flaw in women

2006-05-09T17:13:00.000+08:00

Today I received a forwarded email from an old friend, stating the flaws in women, that is they forget their worth in the presence of those they love - their tears are seen as a sign of weakness or a form of manipulating others. Reading the following passage, made me think of my grandmother, my mother, my sister, girlfriends and even myself... and this tells us to remember our worth and why God made us so mentally strong, yet so weak in physical strength. God didn't make Eve to just entertain Adam or for procreation purposes, but to add value in Adam's life, in support when needed, emotionally and mentally. Here goes:

By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hours a day."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything!

Woman is truly amazing."

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love, and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

How marvelous God is when He is our creator, and knows our past, present and future. He made man and woman a team, that makes life wholesome. To end today's blog entry, I'd like to share this excerpt from the Bible, of how beautiful God made us, man or woman alike:

"The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be all alone." (Genesis 2:18) "So The Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man's ribs [also translated took part of the man's side] and closed up the place with flesh. Then The Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." (Genesis 2:21-24)

Getting out of Groundhog hell

2006-05-07T13:24:00.000+08:00

Ever notice the same ol' patterns going through life time and again? Yup, old habits are hard to break, and they are die-hard clingy! This sunday morning, I lay in bed with the word "Groundhog day" stuck in my mind. I begun pondering over a little bit of this and that over the years of my observations on emotional issues and all the been-there-tried-that approaches to get out of groundhog days.

There's no getting things right when there's no changing of life patterns and of course, it's not about changing who you are, but how you are at the end of the day. I've watched the reruns of "Groundhog day" where Bill Murray and Andie McDowell stars in, and I've never found myself any less amused with the lines in the movie. The character never got out of his groundhog day till he got things right in the end, of course, with lots of trial and errors, but he got it through in the end. Excellent movie, I'd say, and I think it's a must-see for everyone to actually break into their own shell of repetitive living.

No matter how much we think we are like our parents, sometimes we pop out and grow up to be thinking that we are completely different and lacking the right communication skills to iron old issues out. Quietly inside us, we would like to be partnered with someone who is either the opposite of how either of our parent is like. Our head expand and contrict upon finding out that how much like our parent the partner is when we thought we have chosen to be with someone who is not? Get the drill? It's a shock to the system, and you wonder, "What is going on here?"

Anyhoo, here's an example, expression-filled offsprings are often hatched by expressionless parents, while expression-filled parents usually hatch expressionless offsprings. Likewise, when either type of offspring are matched off, they end up with the opposite type of who they are. So much for saying 'opposites attract', when there are so much similarities to one's genetic make-up that did not manifest!

So, with expressionless partners gets stuck with expression-filled partners and vice versa till the clamy hands of depatch-do-they-part, but somehow seem to live blissfully happy in the end... where both partners seemed to still be themselves, but possess marked changes of how they used to be?

Now, let's get back to what's the groundhog day is all about - which is before one figured out how one should be without changing who one is. When growing up, we go through repetitive communication to break through the parents' wall of expressionless or overtly expression-filled ways. What we needed is to be heard, and to be happy. However, we seemed to either impress upon the clamp up button on parents who are already expressionless, or activate a more noisy button on expression-filled parents. For the initial, the offspring ends up having verbal diarrhea, while the latter, the offspring ends up being completely constipated.

Only when a change of pattern in communication takes place (to do the unexpected and the unpredictable), we get the recipient to meet us halfway. Some may choose to see this as a form of manipulation, but I'd say that it's a wise way of getting messages across.

Unfortunately, when a change of communication pattern does not take place, one is stuck in the groundhog day of things. This usually carries over into the offsprings' later life of ending up with a partner being exactly like the offsprings' parents. How true it is that I find, being a completely expression-filled individual, hah!

I've noticed and even experienced for my ownself on being stuck in the rut of groundhog hell. Yes, it's all about repetitive emotional issues and failed approaches in being heard and getting things done the way you or I want it. Not that either of us are selfish little snitches or donkeys, but we're willing to meet halfway, somewhere, even anywhere! Now, who in the world would think of oneself being inconsiderate? It's all about perception of the self in comparison to what's experienced of others, isn't it?

Anyway, for my case, I didn't figure it out till many years later, that I really need to make big changes in my approach by getting my messages through - to meet halfway. I did not realise that I needed approval from others so much till I caught myself being and doing that exact same thing I did with my parents. I had my fair share of rebelling, and going against my parents, forcing them to come out of the expressionless shells to actually tell me what to do, and that made me even more stubborn to go against every single thing. When they say, "sit", I stood. You get the drill.

My approach then is to be less-wanting-to-please, less-acommodating and and learn to please myself more by doing what I want to do instead of doing what others want me to do, and doing what makes them happy. I became selfish at one point in my parents' eyes, but somehow, the men I dated were exactly the way my parents were. This was the dilemma I was stuck in the past. It wasn't solved till I figure out that I need to communicate batter in a more effective way instead of being emotional about everything. I learned that my need to make myself happy for myself is not always the way it's viewed by my parents as being wise. Hence, I began speaking calmly and see how they react to each sentence before I form the next. Instead of pre-planning everything and gush like a geyser. This became a more active approach and my choice of words became more palatable, while my parents' became more expressive through this training. My parents and I grew together, and on my part, it's an over-due wisdom that age brings forth, while my parents viewpoint is, "Thank God she finally figured it out".

My men of the past and even the current one has gold in the mouth, as per my parents used to be. They probaby were and are still very stingy on showing the gold till the right set of words is said. You know, like Aladdin's 'open sesame' secret password... I'm sure you know what I mean. Hence, only with the sight of the glimmer and glitter of gold then, I get a feedback. Otherwise, it's clamped shut. I learned that my password needs to change, depending on which part of the rock I'm facing - they are all approaches of love, not of righteousness - such words range from reasonable to considerate, and understanding to firm.

The years taught me to use different approaches, even with my very own little Napoleon at home. I realised that I'm the one who's always expressing on what I'm unhappy about instead of what I'm happy about. The lack of positiveness created a mess, and the thing is that I didn't even realise it till much later on! This carried into my personal relationships and also a fated attraction towards the same kind of clamp-mouthed-specie.

So, acceptance of what each other are like is the key here, and approaches with love, not time, heals wounds and bridges gaps. My approach these days is on how I want to be with an attitude of "Ok, do what you like, I'm just going to do what I like. See ya later". The strange formation of mutual respect took place with this. So, both parties' now are happy with what they want to do, and so am I without having to stress myself up with all the 'why's' in the world that echoes back "it's the way it is, don't ask why".

Poking my head of out Groundhog hell over the years have been as interesting as knocking my head on wood. You're probably thinking that I've probably wasted all that time figuring life out, but there's some good ol' wisdom that yields from knocking on wood. Yes, it dislodges some old habits to give way to new ones to form, and give a little space for more love to percipitate and glue some salvage-able dislodged pieces back in new positions, while leaving the unsalvage-able ones filed away in the 'not lovable habits section' as reminders in the mind and heart.

It doesn't matter any more how new and better habits come about, as the only way to figure it out is to remember to love even the unlovable and be mindful, empathetical and go through the trials and errors to find your own niche in the end - be yourself, be who you are, and don't stinge on changing things on how you are going to do it to make the world a better place to live in for you and for others.

Layout Loyalty & Font Facism

2006-05-07T01:43:00.000+08:00

It must be from much boredom and lack of creativity when a workplace toys with an idea to brand it's publishing materials and all that is of corporate printed documents with a fixed font style and layout borrowed from good ol' Word (Windows).

Much to my chagrin, this suggestion spilled out from a much respected personel in the top peck of order at my work place. Of course, the intention was to start some line of disciplining and also some form of professionalism. However, branding our goods, and hoping to possibly one day, patent a fancied layout and font by riding on windows' providence is just not the key to achieving top notch respect from the rest of the players of the industry :). I'm wobbling with hiccups of laughter.

Isn't such a ploy to reform china-man ways to a new professional front obsolete by today's much more cunning and materialised world? With such rigidity, will a company be advancing and progressing better?

Speaking of progressing and advancing, will layout loyalty and font facism in this case help a company achieve it's goals and recognition in the market? I doubt it. Well, I'm just peeling my eyes to see what other bozo-worth of suggestions might crop up next. I suppose whatever that works in the big boys' / girls' agenda, eh? lol

Practical impracticalities

2006-04-22T21:06:00.000+08:00

Ideals and expectations are sometimes solely individualistic in a household and anywhere in the world. The four corners of the earth (God knows why people use 'quarters' when the world is actually round, but what the heck, I'll just use it to rhyme on with what I have to say).

Now, I have to thus far, notes from all over, after looking at things and have had my own little musings and thoughts after processing them all i.e. ingesting, chewing and digesting alike. I am looking at the frameworks of what's the common practises of 'being considerate' and 'being inconsiderate' as a whole.

Sometimes, the expectations of what's practical and impractical based on what's 'considerate' and 'not considerate' of others - the imposing of it all are again, individualistic, hah!

I revisited the word 'Selfish' under the oxford dictionary time and again and have never failed to see new dimensions and meanings popping up, making considerate inconsiderations as mind-boggling as practical impracticalities. Let's begin in an order from the inward to outward bits from my observations so far:

Headquarters

When by tradition, a head of the house (usually a father who actually wears his own pants rather than giving his wife the pants) eventually practices the old frameworks of what has been practised by his father before him. What succeeded in terms of it's theories, practicals in the past, is considered obsolete in today's modern settings. All these boils down to individual wants and legacy of having 'done well' to unite the family. It's not all about being considerate, it's about being practical to unite a family, forefront.

Such practicalities of the past, of course, is not agreeable by my post-modern-fundamentalist-left-wing-wannabe-mind-set. Such is when a watered-down-Chinese without Chinese education perceives the world.

My siblings and I love our traditions, but we chuck out the bits that are no longer applicable so that we progress to be better people with an upgraded lifestyle instead of living in the past as if the conveniences were never created. If we are to stick to them all, we might as well redefine our race to be the Amish.

Then again, the watered-down bits, even without the Chinese education fragment in me still screams, 'be a filial daughter'. I can speak this much of 'likeness' to my sister, but not of my brother.

The result of this is that my sister and I still pander around my father due to his old age and old nerves, and made his practicalities (which we find impractical) to be practical at the forefront and bite our lips to go through it all. Imagine how much counselling sessions we have to do for ourselves. We are our own shrinks and patients at the same time. Great to play dual roles!

My frankness is as per usual, a tad bit more caustic than my sister's. Having a second-child syndrome does make one more caustic for some reason. Anyway, that's another story altogether, and let's get back to the impracticalities and practicalities and also what's considerate and inconsiderate in regards to 'headquarters'.

Now, drawing up and linking up explanations in old metaphors and idioms to help the older genderation understand the thoughts and actions of the generation below is about the most difficult task on earth. Not to mention, we go logger-heads most of the time, but sometimes over time, 'the message' goes through the 'ego system'... BUT not every issue is ironed out, and not every explanation is accepted, but at least my heart is free of the burden once my burden is verbalised and expulged from my gap. Now, in a way, I see it as a form of selfishness on my end as well, because I just want to gain my 'freedom' ... eventhough my words rattle my poor Papa's brain. As those who know, most of the mess has roots going way back to the little Napoleon in the household.

Head-quartets within the Headquarters

Of course, the formation of the little Napoleon in the household is still ongoing thanks to my father's sense of practicality that has caused this mess, while mama has her contributions too. Big discussions between my father, my mother, my sister and I have been going on about how to de-form Napoleon. Nope, it's not a consipiracy, but a crisis management.

We have now become the Head-quartets... where four of our heads are put together to think of ways to iron out the rift between Napoleon and I (it's because I'm the only one staying with him now). We all take our turns of being disliked and picked on, as long as we are near him, physically. This brother of mine, can only be loved at a distance.

Anyhow, it's too late to make Napoleon as a considerate individual now, because so much inconsiderate impracticalities he has practised have gone unmonitored over the years. Again, thanks to my parents, who have over-indulged him, and also have made the sisters to this brother - training of superdaughters and supersisters to plot their lives around the newly crowned emperor of the Yong family.

My parents, as I'd like to term them as 'Head-doublets', since the years have fused their individual thoughts to one-ness, and also their physical looks and facial expressions to reflect each other more - anyway, they have allowed Napoleon to get away with all sorts of unimaginable inconsiderate impracticalities that made him a spoilt brat.

Moreover, 'fairness' to head-doublets is also a communist theory - to distribute finances equally amongst the strong and the weak, more-educated and less-educated. Sis and I are bigger breadwinners than Napoleon, hence, household power has to be given more to Napoleon. This goes with monies as well, where sis and I have been obligated to channel to help Napoleon to form his little empire - namely the house in PJ and all that is under Papa's legacy. Somehow, this empire and legacy will in time protect the 'investors', namely sis and I. Till this day, sis and I still fail to understand this theory, eventhough it has been implemented and we are made to be submissive to Papa's great idea of 'how to unite a family'.

My sister and I have been trained and brought up as to 'do everything' as 'we cannot depend on others to help us'. It's strange, we were never allowed to play the 'damsel in distress' game. *shrug*... but we don't doubt our father's love for us, as he does very much! We can't blame him for giving more affection to our brother due to the unequal distribution of power. This made sis and I think, "aren't the boys supposed to protect the girls, why does it have to be the other way for us?"

Anyway, in some impractical reasoning, power to the son is to enable the son to protect the daughters as this is practised by my father's father before him and mapping all the way up the lineage... it worked then... and daughters were deprived of education then to be submissive etc. But why are sis and I educated and trained to be such superdaughters and supersisters that work, cook, clean and do all negotiations on any transaction under the roof and outside the roof thus far, and made to submit to our brother in spite of our bigger earning power and abilities to survive? According to Papa, it's because he knows that sis and I can always earn the money back, and have a mule-headed will to see through things... and Napoleon does not possess this skill. What a bummer, I want a reverse role!

Anyway, sis and I would not mind what our father has implemented, if only Napoleon is not filled with grumbles that 'the sisters are not doing enough'... and being all ungrateful and raising his voice on us... We have been trying for decades to help head-doublets see the problem, that the power lopsiding bestow-ment to the son will not make the son any more responsible and protective over their daughters. It's just plain ain't working.

Problems were, and are never solved. We are counselled to consider the practicalities in Napoleon's impracticalities and inconsiderableness.

The result today is that both sis and I have been inconvenienced and are still expected to be obligated to sacrifice. Don't ask me 'why the obligation', and it goes back to filiality again! Please don't make me repeat this whole filiality story...

Anyway, it's just an eye opener to what extent the impracticalities will reach, and the continuous nod-nod-a-nodding on both the daughters' will make our heads loll and roll in time before it actually falls off.

Napoleon, in the making, has become the king of the house but has yet to reach the garden and backyard. Expectations a-plenty, while he sets his feet up on the coffee table and busies his thumb on the TV controller to flip channels on the TV. While at the same time, Napoleon's Josephine has taken over my role, and is on the competition to outdo my role by being extra pandering and extra sacrificial. Sader still, over time, she has becoming more and more mousy, hurrying in and out of the house to prepare all housework and placing cooked food on the table to please little Napoleon. *Angie gags*

My father is allowed such pandering as he is of a different generation and the consolation for this is that he loves his siblings and children unconditionally. Both sister and I know that this is a double standard viewpoint from our end as in 'letting Papa get away, while Bro is not allowed to'. We have our reasons, hear, hear. This cannot be allowed to apply to little Napoleon, who wants to contain the old traditions of the impractical Chinese-ego but mix it with modern theories of 'nuclear family' lifestyle. As you may know, such mixes so well as to water and oil! Nope, both sister and I cannot see the emulsion of this, but Papa and Mama do for some unknown reason.

In keeping the unity of the family, my father has drawn up a plan to plump up Napoleon's power by clipping the daughters' financial wings in all creative ways, in hope that it will also domesticate us to see the beauty of local men and accept the impracticalities as practicalities and practise them all with false content-hood and a smile just because we are his daughters and his mother and sisters have practised such and we are to carry on with the tradition. The smile and the perception of beauty of course, belongs to the happy and the eye of the beholder, but the 'happy' and the 'beholder' is sadly neither my sis nor myself. Can't see us in fitting Papa's plans for this unity.

*Unhappy* is not exactly a word to coin the condition and situation of neither sis nor I. We are still happy, but in a different way in a world of our own. Such has alarmed Papa, and this fear has trickled down to little Napoleon as well. In desperation to force unity within the headquarters, my dear father tried to conquer more of our land of happiness so that we are completely compliant to Papa's framework of unity - his practical impracticalities.

Compliance it will never be. Cooperation is negotiable. Comfort is half-past-six. All in all, we're tolerating and surviving, but still unbelievably doting sisters to Napoleon and loving daughters to father. Indeed, we're more Chinese than we wish to be. How confusing!

Outerquarters within the Headquarters

The house is finally free of occupants from the outside. Our things are now solely used by those who own and paid the capital of all things, lock stock and barrel. No longer shiny and new as they used to be, they are all still usable - whatever that's left and deemed to be still usable after the ex-occupant has visited them.

The Occupant has a different set of practical impracticalities in where Napoleon and I join forces to agree that it's not agreeable! Yes, a rare alliance formed to counter the common enemy.

Every single thing in the house and conveniences are bargained for and also discounted by the occupant (as housemates do share bills and also replace old things that pass away in the presence of all those who are staying together in the same household at that period of time). However, that is not deemed to be practical to the occupant - splitting hairs based on unit of usage by the Yong side has to be calculated, while those from her end should not be calculated. How considerate?

Such calculativeness never visited the Yong family till the arrival of the occupant. The alliance felt disadvantaged upon the quipping of 'how disadvantaged the occupant felt'. The alliance came up with so much ammunition at the point of 'negotiation' that the occupant finally felt 'advantaged' by our 'disadvantaged position' of being so kind to her. Hence, the talk of dollars and cents came to a cease when the occupant could see how much she has 'gained' and 'saved' monetarily from our inconvenieces. This triggered the unknown 'calculative' button of the alliance, and we realised how much of a fungus and parasite the occupant has been. The pressure is on - we sent her packing within 3 months.

Somehow, all these inconsiderate 'negotiations' are deemed as practical by the occupant who sees a price tag to everything that she does, and sees an FOC tag to everything else that belongs to this house, including services.

Let's look at the framework of the occupant's mindset - she expects to use everything free of charge since a rent is paid. Rent in this sense, is such a small fee that stands next to free, the occupant is either too damp to see it, or she wanted to 'try' and take further advantage of the alliance's kindness.

Family of the occupant too, thinks that the Yongs should be responsible to look after the occupant in spite of the occupant's age. Looks as if our age is at a different leverage to the age of the occupant's age according to the occupant's family. Another bizarre discovery. More impracticalities for us to deal with upon knowing this.

Somehow, from another source, who is a simbiont to the occupant in friendship, but not in ethics explained to us that 'practical' to the occupant is equating her stay in the house as staying in a hotel - as one pays a convenient fee to enjoy all services. This one-time fee covers all bases. This is a gratitude with no gratuity. Complaints of 'not enough' is to get her money's worth. So, the alliance of Napoleon and I have learned the subjectivity of 'enough' is actually 'not enough' due to an individual's selfishness. How bizarre, and how sad it is to be kind to the ungrateful... and even sadder is when a friend is a friend indeed. The occupant is now taken out of the alliance 'friends list'.

It's hard enough to deal with impracticalities within the headquarters, but having to deal with those outside of this parameter is an added stress. No more tenants ever again - we welcome none from now on - we shall now be inconsiderate to other's needs to 'need to stay with us'.

Multiple-quartered people

After observing and collecting notes from all over, I find that even at my work place, church, acquaintances and amongst my very personal friends, they share different levels of quarters to what is practical, impractical, considerate and inconsiderate.

For some reason, some I could get along with eventhough our personalities do not overlap, at times we just don't. I see it as part of life - the practical impracticalities and impractical practises of life! We get along best with those who share the same considerableness and inconsiderableness. Perhaps that is a lesson on being practical!

Another note to consider... I find even more bizarre things going on ... as in 'surprisingly', some prefer to knock off points from my opinion and the way I am. Their reason? --> because I'm not Chinese educated, while some added points to my abilities for what they lack. How practical is that? Very odd indeed?

I wonder, where is the balance between accepting differences and knowing when to be kind? Unkindness knows no odds of what's to be accepted... everything is to be not accepted to have 'one upmanship' for some practical reason? I fail to see it? So, what's seen to be practical can be proven to be impractical for some unknown reason, and the same applies, vice versa. That's the art of winning at all cost - to be inconsiderate of other's feelings and differences!

What's winning and losing all about at the end of the day? Is life so much on a competitive edge? Is there a rule of thumb for what's practical and impractical, and what's considerate and inconsiderate?

Equating the quarters to form one-ness

Some share a quarter of what I have, and some 2-quarters / 3-quarters... and some none! Whatever it is, and what we possess, it all boils down to how one is nurtured and how nature has formed them? I'm not saying that anyone who does not share the same quarters as I do, are deprived of being wholesome etc. It takes several wholesome individuals to work on anything as a team and in partnership i.e. different skills tapped to contribute to a project, a task, even friendship etc? We can still be wholesome in spite of being different, and to form a 'one-ness' in team spirit. Is this so hard to achieve?

Hypothesis on all quarters

What is deemed to be practical can be impractical in the end, and what's impractical can be made practical in the end. Likewise, what's inconsiderate can be viewed as considerate and vice versa.

So, where's the balance in 'getting along'? Whatever happened to forming a happy community. It's sad that the world needs a 'leader' to bring people together and meet halfway to make things work? Why can't everyone have a little leadership within themselves to come together in one considerableness and practicality to work things out?

I am just stalled from time to time while putting my notes together - how the thoughts processing departments vary amongst each individual. I wonder what has happened to being considerate of differences and not gain conveniences out of someone's misery and misfortune. Will considerableness over-rule practicalities, in where practicalities sometimes know no kindness? Does 'being considerate' exist these days, anyway?

Who is getting a Cold Feet Syndrome?

2006-04-20T01:14:00.000+08:00

Nope, we're not talking just about the weather that makes our phalanges cold and having a medical syndrome, but the other type - a sudden undecisiveness that involves the future, which makes one suddenly feel like doing a runner to escape from a commitment or being committed.

Sometimes I wonder whether it's a gender thing, or it's a particular ersonality thing - in regards to having cold feet. Perhaps I am just cursed with facing anyone I love who occasionally gets the cold feet? Or perhaps I'm the one who's too determined and intense. Could either be diagnosed as a syndrome? However, experience-wise, it seems so to me that it's only natural to look forward to the future to know where one will be, while the cold feet bits... I have no blinking idea.

Somehow, I have hardly seen the opposite gender's emotions going from a gradual tone down of hot to hot-lukewarmish to lukewarm, then move on from luke warm to luke warmish cold, then to cold, and then to a total freezing point. It's always from sizzling hot to a sudden freezing point. Imagine going into the shower and turning on the hot tap a tad bit too quick, scalding your skin and you start doing the mexican jelly bean dance and yelping 'ouch ouch' in rhythm with the pitter-patter of hot sprays... and then quickly turn on the cold tap in hope to quickly neutralise the hot water and it turns out to be freezing cold and you turn blue and stiff, going "brrrrr". How's that for a feeling - nobody likes that... but it's interesting that the administrator of those feelings do not feel for what the "administrated to" ones feel.

Of course, there are extreme ones that I've come across as well, as in a marriage proposal that I've received at the age of 21. That one scared the blinkers out of me, and I did experience a total 'turned off' feeling which may be the closest to 'having a cold feet' - because this 26 year old guy, whom I fancied some and was at the preliminary dating stages of just going out for lunches-and-movies-kind-of-dates that doesn't involve spit-swapping, seemed to be in a great big rush to settle down. My first suspicion was that he must have mommy issues (thinking marriage will solve it all) and wanting to control everything about me. He was bloody controlling, began dictating what I should wear and whom I should see and whom I should talk to. Scary, that one - a control freak! He even involved the pastor and my friends... I did a big runner and disappeared, change church, my phone number and even moved to another location and changed colleges! LOL That was extreme!

Ah... it is an interesting thing to look / study such quizzical emotions, sometimes quite inter-arresting as well. One may think that as one grows older, such syndrome tapers off due to one's realisation of needs and wants for the future. Nah, it doesn't seem to always work that way. and I think leopards don't really change it's spots? Nevertheless, older as I am now, my mindset has changed. As for most men (friends and acquaintances alike), it seemed that even if their women bang the Bible on their men's heads, hoping that the verses would rain down their heads and seep through their scalp pores to be imbedded into their brains on what's the rightful thing that God has created for us human beings to be to be part of His Will in fulfilling the big puzzle of a plan.

Nevertheless, on my end, at least I've tried my best to make things work for the better with a clear mind and prayed hard for God's invisible hands to support me when I'm hurt and weak. Over time, I felt God's bestowed wisdom in some ways in dealing with all these patiently and lovingly, and that's the only consolation I have for myself. I'm thinking if I had prayed for strength, I'd use it to stranggle the man due to endless unecessary frustrations he has inflicted upon me and rocking the boat for no particular acceptable reason. To be patient or not to be patient with this one? Or rather, am in a situation where I am a patient of the heartache department, or a shrink to my patient, the cold feet one? I will soon see what will unfurl... *angie peeling her eyes to observe*

Then again, this can be read to be amongst life's storms in my journey of life... I'm human, and I'm easily bruised and hurt... in where I'm once again reminded that the heavenly Father will always want me to stay close to Him when my heart is hurting so that He can impart His renewing strength and healing love for me to recover.

A different Easter

2006-04-19T00:47:00.000+08:00

It all began this way for those who are wondering what I'm quipping about this time.... well, for more than 10 months, I've diligently attended Catechism classes (a.k.a. RCIA) to prepare myself for my big day - my Confirmation on Holy Saturday 2006 (I need not be Baptised since the Catholic church recognises the Lutheran Baptism).

Yes, everything took flight and I had my Confirmation on the 15th April 2006, and I had my first Confession on the 11th April 2006. It wasn't easy for me to see to this very day, as for over 10 months, I've carefully monitored my attendance for the Catechism classes to more than 80% to be eligible for my Confirmation at the Catholic church.

In the long journey of RCIA, have I learned anything? Well, if you ask me if I have a change of faith by regressing or by progressing in my walk with Christ, I'd say 'no'. Christianity as a whole, is all about our relationship with Christ, why on earth did man want to split hairs of who's interpreting the Bible correctly and who's not? Hence, making heaven appear to be layered and segregated with different denominations? There's only one Heaven, as in the only one home that Heavenly Father will want to share with us at the end of the day.

Well, in our understanding of the Salvation history and also the evolution of Christianity in Western Civilisation, we find that there are no Biblical heroes that is worthy for Christians to be boasting about with, as all characters are very human and need to be brought to discipline by God. Amongst us, we have streaks of Adams, Eves, Rachels, Sarahs, Abrahams, Jacobs, Isaacs, Esaus, Davids etc, but very few Jobs. In short, from yestercenturies, yesterdecades and yesterdays, people are people, and they all possess the oh-so-familiar weaknesses and strengths.

So back to my recent experience, and this very special Easter of 2006, I've reminisced my little journey through RCIA.... I've learned a different set of things from those provided by the facilitators. There were a whole lot of things when I thought I have been frustrated to the ends of the earth and also demoralised to an extent, but there are learning aspects to them all.

Somehow, I'm uplifted in a way, to understand how great the good Lord is in blessing us all to be humble before Him, and not to behave as if we are our own God to our own lives. As for denominations, I'd like to simplify things since I'm working very hard to be neutral for all. To be specific, I'm addressing the Catholicism and Lutheranism... thanks to my Mama, who has ingrained all her children to understand the roots of Christianity and a partial Catholicism viewpoint behind Papa's back while we were raised under strict Lutheran groundings that frown upon Catholicism.

My mother suffered in her growing years, raised in a broken family, and found her sanctuary in Christ at the tender age of 7. That was when she was converted from Buddhism to Catholicism, and she remembered asking the Priest to baptise her even at her young age. Soon after that, she brought her younger siblings to be baptised as well. I will always remember her bravery and her determination to be a Christian. She was not well-supported by Granny for that decision and also her influence over her siblings, but still, Mama prayed all her life for Granny to convert, which only came through 40 years later. While in those years of relentless praying, she got married to my father, in where she had to convert to the Lutheran faith in order to marry.

I took a reverse walk in comparison to my mother, I join the Catholic faith for the future of my current love and other future plans to be with a Catholic man. In truth, I have no violent rejections of Catholicism, as I understand it in many ways - thanks again to Mama. I was raised, with my mother's words at the back of my head, viewing other denominations are sticks in the mud in regards to the root of Christianity. I saw the traditions within the Catholic church, and also of those within the Lutheran church. I've seen the Anglican ones as well, and find them all very alike, liturgically, and also their roots of beliefs. However, the Catechism classes changed my mind quick enough on those thoughts. I've experienced again, a u-turn journey through the RCIA classes I've attended. The facilitators were and are very close-minded about other denominations, if not dead-set with the idea that the rest of the denominations are not accurate since they are stuck with the pride of how the Catholics began with the Christian Tradition first, historically. The vibes I've received is that, "it's good that you have now come to realise that Catholicism is a journey to take up"... there was a sense of pride there that rubbed me the wrong way. I felt a little slighted that they seemed to be stuck with the idea that I may have found something 'not quite right' with the Lutheran church that brought me to the RCIA classes.

There is nothing wrong with neither Lutheranism, nor the other denominations that I've visited before over the many years of the past. At the end of the day, I'm still very Lutheran at heart, and is open minded to Catholicism because I understand it theorectically. I struggle with the practicality of things attached to the traditions, but I do not fault them, hence, I obediently go through the motions in time to understand it all more over time. In the Lutheran church, I too have my traditions and take pride in them as to those from any other Christian churches of other denominations... all in all, every church has its very own root to Christianity.

Now, back to the RCIA classes... I've brought up one issue after the next in regards to help the facilitators tie in the insurmountable similarities that bind Christian brothers and sisters together under the umbrella of Christianity in spite of churches and denominations that come under different names, interpretations and doctrines. At many instances, I was shot down mid-sentence, or pushed aside. I was not alone in the class, as there are several others who were treated the same way. I felt that as a raised Christian, I feel slighted by all these, how about those who are first time learners of the faith? It must be terribly painful.

At the end of the day, I had more disappointment than joy in this journey of RCIA, but I do not blame God for all these. I looked at how human all of us are and how much we need God's Grace to lead us to perfection when we are so imperfect. Only through Christ, our imperfection can be transformed into perfection.

So, talking about imperfection and perfection, I'd say that I have tons of imperfection that has been made beautiful by Christ, and I'm still transforming each day to be a better person. Not only that I'm learning to be a better person, I feel that I too, have influenced my beau to be more attentive to Catholicism as well. This is Easter is special to me, because I have my love by my side to witness the Confirmation procession that I'm part of... and also, this day marks another milestone in our relationship with each other and also in faith with God - a ecumenism of our own between the Lutheran and the Catholic.

Famous last words...

2006-03-28T11:52:00.000+08:00

Over the years, I remember making strong and mule-headed statements that I thought I could stick by for the rest of my life. May it be my responses towards events and issues, experienced or stuff downloaded from family and friends, or the gunk I’ve read in the media. Yes, I do indeed, perhaps sadly have and had my opinion over anything and everything - a tad bit short of being totally judgemental. Even things that I do not know, I’d go all the way out to do a research to learn more about it so that I know what I’m talking about, in which could be termed as being kiasu (a hokkien term for 'afraid to lose out').

I have had and still have strong opinion towards this and that, as old habits die hard. I have however, I picked up some tact along the way, eventhough bluntness still escapes and gets the best of me. Edging myself to slow down some, perhaps due to age and being-quick-to-tire-out I have now retrained or conditioned myself to accept that not everything must come with an opinion - just accept it flat 'as it is'.

I remember being so opinionated that I struggled very hard to stick by my reasoning and train of thought. Sadly, I did not only become a pain to others, but to myself as well. Every once in a while, I still feel like a pain at times by being burdened with opinions. I didn't have a word for my impossibilities, but over the years, the word was formed and it became clearer... yes, 'pride' is the word.

I was indeed, screaming with pride and an ego with the egg-size of an ostrich's or emu's. How silly of me, and now, I can laugh about it, but then, it was no joke... I take things so seriously. I began to dig into my old days, and roughly mapped my then opinion to idealistic situations or frameworks. It was a tall order, where non-humans could go or achieve.

Such superhuman expectations to attain such ideals helped me to build a towering fortress around me. I meant to have myself in my sanctitised realm, which is befitting to be locked away for good. Only the like-minded get to share this very idealistic world of mine. I can now laugh at all that time wasted in investing so much of myself for the sake of personal face which I have then comfortably coined with another word "the facts", but I was just being plain righteous. It must be then palatable for me to reason further by soothing my pride call them 'principles'. Principles to perfection they are, because I soon became very unforgiving of myself for every unattained goal, and it spilled over unto people around me - I gave them tall orders too.

I've stated many famous last words - these words were strewn carelessly and strongly in little speeches and yacks, usually evangelised as unsolicited advise without realising that I sadly lack tact in wisdom for them in spite of having researched. Aging gave me some depth, and I'm sure, there's more depth to go and I will wait patiently and deal with life as I go along. No more will I enter the realm of topics with pre-occupied opinion, and feel crushed later on to discover that I chuck notes on researches that do not sooth me, and quote those that suits me.

So opinionated that I was, I began to convert my loved ones to see my points and to understand them. Good God, what a mess and maze! I realised that did not only hurt others in the process, but myself too. Only in later years, did I actively practice the art of compromising and forgiveness and to find the perfection in the imperfect. The world transformed to be a more beautiful place to live in, and my second-child syndrome began to ebb away as well.

To date, with some gained wisdom from many falls and rises, 'principles' to me are to stick as close as possible to the 10 commandments and the beatitudes as possible. It's definitely hard to be like the Biblical Job, or to emulate Christ's steps. Remapping my faith and given time did teach me lessons, and I've had painfully learned from each and every one of them. Only in defeat and disappointments did I take a few steps back to view my world and myself from a third party's viewpoint. I've learned that not only people around me are humans, so am I, and rigidity is not to be applied to everything.

Thinking back now, I saw the contrasting differences - I've even lost track of the numerous changes gained from observations and experiences. It's to the extend of practicing a completely opposite act or move on to the next track to the then-dearly-held statements. Those famous last words are meant to be cast in iron, and many of those heavy casts have been hurled onto others through a web of words that have and had passed my lips. Matriach-style, and unfashionable was what I practiced and pratised as I refused to adapt to many changes. Then, I will not want to change, because I fear of being malleable and evolutionised to be something unethical or unprincipled. The harder I try, the more painful I became to the self and to others. My actions, my words, have and had slapped back onto my very face. How true it is for the old saying, 'for every action, there's a repercussion'. Repercussion it seems, has rippled on for years to beat me into my form today, a complete change of my former self. I am taking things apart, and learning to recategorise and repriotise the order of what and how I say things.

In my journey of learning and unlearning, I pause to listen to my surroundings and myself - to gauge my thoughts from my talk to walk, and thinking this way and doing this. I fear of losing my principles, my focus in life and all that I hold dear to. 'Principles' as I've known were compartmentalised by my own devised hypothetical and theorectical frameworks. With much folly, I'd stick to the ground with my own framework of thought and fail to listen before I speak.

Perhaps I've lost that old originality of a high priestess mentality, but I believe stepping down from that pedestal has made me a better person for the society, my family and myself. Remembering that others are being human and I myself too, is human, I've acquired acceptance of weaknesses by tapping on strengths. My old expectations are now toned down, and there are no longer hurdles of tall orders to ahead of me. My world is now shared, and it no longer of that belonging to the white elephants of the land yonder. Knowing and understanding all these with a thought-over insight, I now blanch with shame for all those past unaudible mutterings beneath my own breath or of those uttered in defiance and rock-solid stance. My words, those famous last words, eventhough it may be of the past, still ring loudly in my ears. I realised my blanching is an internal struggle with my own self-forgiveness. Still, it's the battle of the pride within. The insurmountable pride, laced with prejudice at times, had their adverse effect. The once towering walls of self-pride and even negative pride I've practiced have today forced me to my knees. Time and again, I've been bowled over by lessons in humility.

All I can say today is that it's better to be kind than to be always right. How true it is, that observations from others combined with personal experiences can change the course of one's life, in which I believe is the only road to wisdom-hood. With this, I've learned to speak slower, and listen more. Such patience did me a whole lot of good, and I feel more lovable of my self, and of others - everyday I'm learning new things, rediscovering new little things of the surroundings and myself each day, associating and disassociating, whichever that is applicable. Unlearning is also part of the process. All I want these days is practice grace, and to remember to be a better person for my family, the community as a whole, and most of all, for myself.

Indifference, Independence and Indulgence

2006-03-12T20:30:00.000+08:00

The downfall of mankind spurn from these 3 dangers. Without check and balance, we might miss seeing these dangers that comfortably seep into our human lives, diluting our philosophies, attitude, behaviour, and completely rule our livelihood. They affect us in a wide magnitude - our generation, and generations to come. All these 3 dangers are easy to remember, as they begin with the letter "I", as in how we also name our ego, the big 'I'.

With indifference, one practises complacency, a care-free, if not care-less attitude. Not giving a toss about anything till it 'disturbs' the person personally. There's no placing of importance in the significance to neither traditions nor cultures. This in turn, seeps into one's respect for things in the environment and people, making one lack respect for all authorities that ranges from the government to bosses and from elders to parents. Hence, making no strong stance for anything, even from correcting wrongs from right, or injustice to justice etc.

The next escalating danger to indifference is independence. An independence from God's Will, in where one thinks that he / she has a better plan and a better idea of what's good for oneself. There's no counting of blessings, but tons of cursing of God for things that did not work out. When there's good fortune aplenty, Godliness falls out out of one's decision-making as one becomes his / her own God in all dealings - Godlessness. The main danger in this is when one becomes ungrateful and pays no tribute to God's providence in blessing one, and one feels deserving due to one's 'good works' or 'hard works'. It's funny how God works in His Will, where we represent each jigsaw piece to contribute to God's big picture. From this viewpoint, independence from God is out of the picture.

What tops the list in amongst the 3 dangers is Indulgence. All these come in the form of different types of temptations, that teases our minds and coax us into taking the actions of sin. Hence, depending on our 5 senses do not always bring us glory nor wisdom but cheap experience. Not all experiences are cheap, as some lead to the formation of wisdom. However, experiencing is not enough in making an all-rounded wise decision, Godly wisdom is needed at the end of the day. When we indulge, we are become unaware of the consequences of sin, as we just head towards satisfying our need in satiating our desires there and then. May it be temptations through the taste (i.e. gluttony etc), the sight (i.e. lusting etc), the touch (i.e. earthly pleasures to the skin), the hearing (i.e. lewd things / lies etc) or the smell (i.e. associated with lust or earthly pleasures again etc). Altogether, these can be very secular, and can be very unGodly.

None of us can say that we've never been guilty of any of the 3 'I's one way or another. Obedience to God seem to be a hard task as we need to forego so many earthly pleasures that can be so tempting. All the 3 'I's offer earthly satisfaction, as it gives us the will of being our own God over our own selves. Are we truly happy and satisfied at the end of the day? This is really a question that we need to address for ourselves.

Learning from losses

2006-03-07T23:50:00.000+08:00

I've lost numerous things, opportunities and loved ones in my life. It took me a while to count my blessings and realise that I've gained in different ways from such losses. There's hardly a successful 'lost and found' story that is significant enough for me to share, ever.

Though there's acceptance and peace rituals that I've made over time over the losses, but the memory of the experience will never be forgotten. As overwhelming as they can be, some of these losses shook me so hard that it rattled my bones and loosen my teeth... and some that shrunk me even - loss of appetite, being wrung dry of tears etc. It was never gentle. How not to learn lessons from them all unique losses?

Yet, such losses are not adversities in vain. Every loss bears it's significant mark, and dog-eared the pages of my journey on earth thus far. Each loss has a story, and each story has it's morale, and each morale has a fate tagged behind it. Acceptance is the key in most, but a little fight in some I too, took up.

My sensitivity has opened up more with each loss. I have become more aware of my surroundings - people, things, opportunities and most of all, life as a whole. I feel that I'm living a life, a life that's never lack of emotions. Surely there'll be lots of stories to tell and to write about when the time is right.

Though the little moments of grief entails when a loss is fresh - I'm sure a short moment of silence and grieving at such instances are allowed. Though each loss changed me a little, with their added values in vigilance, being more careful and everything else that I could do within my humane capacity to pacify my gnawing 'why me?', but there were too, times when I am forced to let go and allow things to be at loss, in hope that it will one day, return to me. So in a way, a change sometimes has helped me to outgrow a past.

Outgrowing a past may be a little harshly worded, so, let's reword it to 'letting go' instead. Losses comes in all forms and amongst the few are of 'losing' things, people, and opportunities alike. Reminiscing all these, I've learned that I've become the way I am today through losses and gains. I'm sure this is familiar to all, and I'm not alone in thinking this.

This is turn, made me ponder further to 'guilt' that's linked to losses. Too many people, including myself are guilty of losses... and sometimes angered and irritated first before adapting to the voidness of a loss. It's almost like a feeling of being prematurely cheated or short-changed that led to losing anything - unintentionally or forced. No doubt it's seen as a daunting experience at the beginning, and for a while, it becomes a setback or emotional blow, depending on what had been lost. The only way to get over it is to give up, and move on - right, easier said than done. Sometimes, we'd think to ourselves, rather than remaining faithful to what has have had been lost, we cheaply resign to fate - What's not yours, will never be yours. Or rather, in a Christian way of thinking - It's not in God's Will.

We have two choices to overcome a loss, if applicable to anything - to either look at what remains and be appreciative of what remains, or to build up a case in a quest to find what had been lost. The investigation job is stressful, and could lead to other complications. So, do a check and balance and know when to stop. The danger to the latter is also that we have the danger of focusing bitterly on what has been lost. In doing so, we often become cynical and lack appreciation to 'what's meant to be'. However, the world sees that victory and satisfaction belong to those who do not choose the path of least resistance when faced with major life challenges, somehow or rather. Then again, resigning to fate also has it's good for our psyche and it really depends on what has been lost - worthy to be fought for or not... or is there a better replacement?. Yes, sometimes we make way for the new to come when the old is lost or let go. These to me, is all about living a life, dealing with different surprises... we learn and unlearn things in life through losses and gains. Don't we have a lot to learn and gain about losses?

Can't be better friends with your own kind?

2006-03-03T22:03:00.000+08:00

I used to wonder too... hmmm... but my case is backed up with unsavoury experiences with my own kind in West Malaysia, and that's the Malaysian Chinese! Perhaps I'm still the same ol' small town girl who is bred and raised in Sabah. Or... perhaps what one of my old University friend said is true, 'There are no real friends after the age of 18'. He could be correct, as I left Sabah at the age of 19, and only went back home for short spurts of visits.

Over the many years of hearing those negative words of friendship, 'There are no real friends after the age of 18', I was still holding on to my ol' notion that 'it depends on the individual'. True enough, there are a few very good Chinese Malaysian friends amongst the majority of stinky ones that I've come across. These friends are staying in my heart for life!

To date, I have more Malay and Indian friends than Malaysian Chinese ones, as they have more 'milk of human kindness' in comparison. I wouldn't say that all Chinese stinks as I've proven to myself that they are quite a few that are worth my while and are not toxic friends. Somehow, there's still a larger majority of those who are too calculative to be good friends with, eventhough I'm still friendly and polite to them.

Here I am, always being generous with friends when they need favours etc, but when it's my turn to ask for a favour, it seems that the Malays and the Indians are more willing to help me than the Chinese ones. If you're talking about betrayal of friendship and when you need them the most... they turn their backs on you... but more so of my kind of race, sadly. So, how not to treasure the different races more if my experiences headed and are still heading that way?

Malay and Indian friends alike have brought this up before, "Hey, I've noticed that you get along more with Malay and Indian people, ah?" Yes, and no. I've come across stinky-attitude and superficial Malays and Indians as well, but somehow, LESS in numbers when compared to my own kind... again!? On the contrary, 'a few' of the Malaysian Chinese would pose me this question, "How come you can get along with the Malays and Indians, ah?" It's all in the attitude, isn't it? There you go... questions from different poles! Still, the end result is that there are more 'better' friends of other races than my own kind eventhough I've tried hard. Can't be stereotyping races eventhough it's tempting to when one has bad experiences? People are people, and there are unique individuals out there, and this is still not stopping me from making friends with my own kind. They are only bad when they are proven to be in the end.

I wouldn't know how to begin my many tales of trial and error... the heartbreak, and intense hurt and shock - and still proven to be as per the above mentioned. I used to think that perhaps as an East Malaysian, I was not directly affected by the 1969 'May 13th' incident, hence less bitter and less individualistic... and more 'for my own self only' kind of mentality... perhaps to sum this up is that I could be more naive and never quite learned my lessons of the many friendship faux pas? Who knows? Whatever it is, the past should stay as the past, and each person should be treated as an individual and not lumped up with another person of the past. As a lesson to all, instead of holding grudges, one should just let go of the past and call it a 'not meant to be friends?' There's no reason for me to hold a grudge, I'd say if I go by this philosophy.

This trial and error of friendship has even come to an extent that my family thinks that I am a bad reader of characters, as I have so many friends who have double-crossed, front-stabbed and back-stabbed me. Mostly are unfortunately friends made after I was 18 years of age (there you go, my old University mate, as you could be right!). Nevertheless, my family once said, "Didn't you learn all about characters in your Psych classes? How could you misread about this and that person?". No way, my classes are not skewed towards the nature of my personality... and how I make friends? Come to think of it, there are of course, theories, but who the hell would make friends via a set of theories? Well, I deserved to be nagged by parents, as I'm so dead honest with them, and tell them almost everything... and when I get nagged, I regret telling them... but soon after, I'd forget about the nags and repeat the same cycle of telling them again! Well, that's because 'blood is thicker than water?' or rather an open communication to me! (ok, ok... that's a different skew altogether! I just wanted to say this, ok?).

So, personality-wise, maybe I'm the one who's a little 'off'? I'd rather think 'unique' hehe... but of course, I'm different, as any other person to the next. I'm of a different make-up pool of genes from my set of parents and heritage. Then again, a lot of my Sabahan and Sarawakian friends are like me as well? That's it, we're a different breed altogether! Nope, not the ones that live on the tree, but the ones who are more small-town and naive in nature? Perhaps all of us are that way?

Whatever it is, being kind and good to others still top the list... and that's a good approach not only in a Christian manner, but also of all religious manner? I just can't adopt that 'berkira' (calculative) behaviour of how much I give is how much a reap kind of thing. In one's lifetime, if one wants to do such kinds of balance sheet, there's just no true meaning of friendship. Indeed, indeed... I am sorry for those who have never tasted the sweet meaning of true friendship, your own kind or whatever kind there is out there.

Expensive petrol!

2006-03-01T00:08:00.000+08:00

With three petrol price hike within the past 12 months, I just find such extra expenses too damn much to bear! It now costs a whopping RM70 for a full tank instead of the RM60. Worse still, I've yet to get over a RM60 worth for a full tank, and now the damn petrol price has gone up again?

I remember when I first began working in 1998, a full tank costs me RM35, and my drawn salary was then half of what I have today. Today, petrol price has doubled....seems like, I'm back to square one again. The price for everything will tag on this petrol rise... so, all goods and services will increase from now on except for salaries!

I had to laugh cynically when I read that the govt has promised to not raise petrol prices for at least another year. The other statement that I read before this was that Malaysians pay the lowest price for petrol. Hell... our salaries are much lower than those who earn foreign western currencies in their home countries!! Of course proportion-wise, they pay more for their goods and services. It's value for money, isn't it? It's all in the lifestyle. How can we compare to US / European petrol prices... Malaysians should pay less, and the govt should subsidise more afterall, since we earn just a fraction of what those foreign dudes earn! Seems like I'm not left with any choice but to accept the petrol price as it is... I'll just have to be really frugal from now on, else there won't be any money saved up for my rainy days *sigh*

Talking about money and salaries... I just go cross-eyed every time Papa asks me where did all my money go since I earn twice of what he used to earn in the past. He's thinking that I should have a really fat bank account now. To add more injury to my wound, Papa even quipped that he even managed to save up apart from putting clothes on our back and food on the table... and also save enough to send bro and I overseas to pursue our tertiary studies with half of his earnings. Ouch!

Anyway, it's the KL lifestyle in the end... a lot of money go into entertainment and conveniences of a city lifestyle. Moreover, with the rate of pricing of everything going up at the moment (thanks to inflation!), I don't think I could even afford to feed a little tyke if I ever have one and earning what I'm earning now, let alone saving up for a tyke's tertiary studies! Damn!!!!!!!!! This is depressing...

'em slack buggas

2006-02-17T17:33:00.000+08:00

I sat at the office today, catching my breath from the 3rd day of mad rushing from Cheras to Nilai, back and forth ... back and forth. Nope, it ain't no fox-trot, honey, it's a dumb wild goose chase on behalf of the Ministry of Higher Education. This has been going on the past 3 days in a row, and from the looks of it, I may still be called back to feed them more data & info by personally typing them into their user-unfriendly software. So, all in all, these 3 days just zipped past me, leaving me dead-bone-dry and exhausted, with nothing concrete achieved, professionally and personally.

With the mileage clocked in on the road, I could have gotten meself to Thailand. With all that time wasted, I could have used it to finish up all my needed-office-paper work. Yes, office work wise, it has been stagnant too. This is not because I am not progressively working, it's due to our upcoming internal big PR event, which is a time sucker too, on top of our expected work, and also things in our portfolio. Having to deal with last minute requests from the Ministry on top of that event just left me speechless. What else can I say, but a total waste of time when the Ministry behaves so insensitively?! Those buggas in the Ministry office, sucking up private sectors' tax $$ and holding back private sectors from improving in leaps and bounds have been sitting on their hinds, with lack-lustre work performance. Of course, when they insist, we have to act fast on it, but when we ask them in return for data and information, we have to wait till the cows come home. In this case, it is uncalled for, as they have always had our full account of data and information... in which we have even voluntarily updated them on top of their silly insistance for updated data and information for umpteenth years. Us good private sectors have never failed to comply and meet their ridiculous last minute deadlines, working over-time and crunching hours like mad... but what the hell for if we are pulled for such exercises at least twice a year to re-enter data and information that we've already submitted?

So, what are they doing with all that time in their hands and all that data the private sectors have been summoned to give and declare all the time? It was there to collect dust... in which as a fact of a matter, all that data and info that have insisted are supposed to extract by them, and keyed into their system to sort and compile for whatever research and statistics for their own Minister to present. Uh-uh, nope, they ain't doing nothing of such sort, I'm afraid... in fact, everytime their Minister want to present things, they get flogged for being slack, and they flog us private sectors to send reps to key in data and information for them!! Can you beat that? Yes, they are even too lazy to crunch in hours to do their bit with our submitted data that range from soft to hardcopies as per their whims and fancies.

Yes, that's what I've been doing, as I'm amongst them reps who were sent on behalf of my company... and as I was keying things in, I thought to myself, "How come they are asking this? Don't they have all these since my company has been around for the past 20 years?" I said that last year, when it was 19 years, and 18 before... and 17 before... and you get the drill. So, they've never improved, nor learned their lesson?

'Em slack buggas were facilitators over us private sector reps, flogging us and telling us what to do... and even they themselves are not familiar with the software and what they themselves actually want. Every rep in there was groping in the dark, and we complied anyway, what to do? When we want to continue working to get things over and done with, they keep reminding us of break time for firstly, breakfast, then morning tea, and then lunch, and then afternoon tea?! So, you can well imagine how much we were interrupted... and the data entry involved could have been done within half a day if we were briefed proper of what they want and how the software works. However, with our self-learning, and also all the 'forced breaks', we couldn't' get things done! Time is money, and progression of the country is at stake ...

When I've completed my work, they insisted on verifying 'our' data... and that alone, took half a day... I looked at them with hollow eyes, and wonder, "Will the education industry, or any industr for that matter in my beloved country improve with the likes of such slack bastards facilitating us, the diligent ones?"

Year of the Dog

2006-02-10T22:13:00.000+08:00

I have been told that this 'Year of a Dog' is different. It carries with it a strong fire element, meaning that it is 'suddenly' a good year for those who are wood and metal element based, as I am.

I'm never a big believer of Feng Shui or anything that's linked to the reading of animal zodiacs, horoscopes, birthdates, stars, face, and palms. Somehow, I have a close friend, who could not zip his mouth shut from volunteering all these things that he felt that he has a duty to tell me.

A couple of years ago, this superstitious friend of mine influenced me into buying some rose quartz that will draw my then troubled boyfriend's love back to me, and hence improving my love life, especially during crucial moments. I was then disappointed and depressed with my situation, and this friend of mine was so cheery and motivated that I thought I'd just tag along with what he wants me to do. So, off we went, in search for the right rose quartz for moi. I half-heartedly and jestfully poked on each stone... and finally, with much persuasion, found one that caught my eye... as it's so pretty! There and then, I thought to myself, 'what the heck, I'll just buy it since it's such a pretty-looking stone'.

After I have bought the stone, he taught me how to take care of it - by soaking it in sea salt water, and exposing it under the sky every single night.... if there's a moon, it's even better, as the stone draws the most power and will become very powerful the next day. *Gulp* The sound of the cleansing procedure made the hair at the back of my neck rise... it sounded so evil... as anything to do with exposing this and that to the moon sounds evil to me. Hear, hear, it's all influenced by the movies - vampires, werewolves, murders, spooky mist-filled graveyards and whatever ill-omen has something to do with the moon - now, that was evil, evil, evil!

Ok, jesting aside! To me, the moon does not signify the best of things that is in the light and of religious positiveness, though it does signify the signs of time etc. So, there I was, liking the stone and wore it to see my lil' darling, but never followed the cleansing procedure. The most I did was to soak it in salt water once in a while since I felt that it makes the silver shiny and the stone squeaky clean! Well, my love life didn't suffer further, nor did it jumpstart into something hot and howling. The gradual improvement came through when I prayed more, and also have a more open communication with my beau. The stone did nothing.

As for today, the little story of my life after the adventure-of-the-stone days, and of course, this is again, according to my superstitious friend.... is that I've already missed my chance of marrying as I was supposed to marry by or at the age of 28 / 29. I looked back at those said ages I was at, and remembered hankering for a man almost twice my age, whom I know will never marry me no matter how much I wanted to be married to him. So, it wasn't me missing my chance to marry then, it's just that this ex of mine didn't want to be married to me. As crushed as I was, I did become a tad bit bitter, and wanted to do all sorts of things to make myself happy, and just for myself... and no more planning around a man, and thinking for two. I moved into a world of just thinking of one, me, myself and I. So, how did I miss being married here, I do not know. Also, I did not fancy anyone after the ex, but a year after that, I did open up my mind to 'give men' one more chance before I tidy up a little cozy place for myself on the shelf for eternity. I dated a few, and I was horrified by their attitudes, and I was just not ready to accept them no matter how much of an open-mindedness I've psyched up myself for... it just ain't working. I find them most unlovable, and most unattractive, and oh-so-not-deserving of me. However, I still kept my options open to befriend male friends, and was on very chummy phileo terms with a few like-minded ones.

So, like-minded ones I've kept. I fell in love with one of them, and kept the rest as life-long friends. The future of being married seemed brighter all of a sudden, but there were challenges and insurety in rough-patched experiences in the then-new-found romance. It was an alternate flicker and bright light every now and then, and I kept my vigil on due to my stubborn nature. I knew and wanted to be with this one, and I knew there'll be no other that I ever want to be with. That's the story so far. It has come to a point now that as of this year, the 'chance' of being married is on again... and my superstitious friend wove a metaphor out of this situation ... in where he began the story in figurative speech, impersonating items and things that is befitting of my fate. Yes, another story-telling ... that I have a 'bus' to catch, which is zooming towards my direction really quickly, and this bus has been visible at the turn of the Year of the Dog. Somehow, this bus on-going in which I will have to run and catch it, but could easily miss it if I do not jump into action and make my legs work towards a running mode to catch it? This friend of mine said that if I don't catch this bus by or at the age of 35, I'll miss being married altogether and will stay a spinster all my life. Felt like a curse has been casted upon me! Well, the reason behind this 'fortune-telling' is because of my birthdate? A fate 'fated' as it is, and fixed because of the time that I was born! It seems that some people according to their birthdates have more spinster-ish qualities - yes, I happen to fall into this possibility-of-being-spinster-ish birthdate bracket, how lucky!

Time stood still after I've heard this, and I probably looked a little crestfallen since I really wanted to be married this year as I've told my beau. Then I broke into a big smile and said, "I'm a Christian, and you know that I will not trust fortune-telling and anything about luck and colours and all sorts... so, I'll take your words with a pinch of salt". My friend rolled his eyes, but he knew that he couldn't move that rooted part of me, and he knew that the possibilities of this 'fixed' fate he's talking about doesn't have a stronghold over me as I have invisible hands guiding me. He acknowledged that only these invisible hands can change my fate. I'm glad he could see that no human being can foretell the future, nor take pride in determining someone's future through outward signs such as dates, and face and whatever.

I admit that his words did stall me for a moment, as I didn't expect such negativity. My positive outlook to things are that, I must work for everything that I wish for, and pray towards it's success, and be open-minded if my wishes were not to come true. I believe that when one door of opportunity is closed on one, there'll always be another door of opportunity opening for a different set of things to bless one's life. Still, I have plans and wishes to be married this year, not because of what this friend of mine has said, but I do want to make this happen this year. The bits and pieces of traditional superstition do crop up from God knows where as I'm human afterall. As of what was said today as well... the hair at the back of my neck rose... making it feel like a curse and a spell has been woven in the air, not by a wand, but a swizzle stick from my friend's coffee. As far as my imagination went, I mentally pictured him tipping his little warlock wand on my head, hoping to send the curse down into me... or perhaps it's just his way of prompting me to hurry up... or a way of psyching me up in his own way?

Soon after my encounter with this friend, I went to my office, and said a silent prayer in Jesus' name to break this bond / curse... to flush it out of my mind and memory, and replace it with a positive outlook towards what is said. I have learned or acquired knowledge and have observed thus so far, to have some blessed wisdom that this life is not solely mine, but God bestowed and I am made for a good purpose. Whatever it is, God knows, and God blesses, and everything is about God's timing that cannot be determined by another human. So far what I've hoped for, in which amongst them is that I know I'm a people-person that involves helping people in areas of teaching, counselling, and support - churchwork alike. Apart from all these work or career-related things, I strongly feel my personal life is also of one that leads to a day that I will be married. I've met someone special enough to want to settle down now, and it's also part of God's blessings of my mother's fervent prayers. My nature and the way I am, my mother has always prayed that I will be a good wife and mother one day, and I know this deep down in my heart of hearts that I will be because of my mother's prayers. This much I know, deep down as a woman, my intuition and through my faith in God, and the power of prayers. Thus, I trust in God's divine providence, and this is my belief that no one can tell the future to halt or better a progress in life, as we are all in God's hands.

The curiousity and the inquisitiveness in wanting to know one's future must not do one good. I see my superstitious friend, and all those who'd flock to him for advise are always anxious about not having 'the luck' of getting rich, or 'of having a great love life'... or in fear of having a bad run of luck etc? Well, of course, good news is always a welcome, but what about the bad ones? I wouldn't want to know when exactly I'm having a bad run of luck, or accident or dying for example! It would surely be terrible to do a count down to such!

Wouldn't it be better to live one's days, thanking God for the beauty provided, and when there are hard times, ask God to give one the strength to carry on. Little things that we take for granted, the beauties in life that slipped past us because of our worries for tomorrow or little things that we sweat over... there's so much to do today, why try to overcome what's in the future? We have expectations, plans, but they are not written in stone, they are not concrete, we allow the fluidity of changes taking place... perhaps not as fluid-like or smooth at times, but surely there's a reason to faith as a faith is to reason? The intertwining of these two gives the highest meaning in life.

Deep in me, I am Christian, and will always want to be one because I learn little lessons every single day and to know a living God that makes small miracles in my life, I'm satisfied. Hence, I pray thankfully for all that God has provided me today, healthy parents, a job, a house over my head, good friends, food on the table etc... you name it, you've got it. Also, praying for peace whenever anything disturbs my thoughts, to break a bond or curse that has settled at the back of my head upon hearing or encountering uncomfortable things... thus, such prayers made lift my spirits and help me turn my face towards God. A sense of peace will engulf me thereafter.

So, back to the question, does it really matter whether it's a dog year or not? It could be any animal's year? My point to my beau is that in regards to marriage and how we will live... I just want to start off with one thing at a time... and firstly, I want to be married before my 35th year is over, and definitely before he hits 40. Location - doesn't matter, as I will be happy as long as we are together. So, it's this year that I'm looking at... and I'm praying that Perth will be the place that he'll get his job. So, hey Doggie, yeah, I'm talking to you... you're the one in the Year of the dog... please wag your tail to agree with me on this :). As for my dear superstitious friend, I will say a prayer for you tonight so that one day, you'll get to know and experience Christ.

A different kind of Thanksgiving

2005-12-03T01:13:00.000+08:00

Looking back at my younger days, I have had attempted to create little cracks in my Asiatic-values' and culture's moulds, only to find that many things that I've had hatched in my head or even despatched through my lips could not match with my actions. How true it is when one's parents have instilled values into their children, they cannot just 'shed' it off because of the birth of a new or perceived / adaptation to a better idea. There's something in the Chinese culture (as for most Oriental / other Asian cultures) where it can never be watered down to nothingness eventhough it moves along the lines in adapting to modern times. The dominance of the values and cultures are woven into our genes, perhaps they are wholesome chromosomes by themselves! LOL

Now, back to being serious *ahem* ... Well, the older I get, the more appreciative and grateful I am of the Asian values set in me. I would not go back and change anything, even if I could turn back the hands of time. Yes, that's a really big statement! How about rough patches that I had to go through in the cruel mill of the culture that made the values / morals not-oh-so-palatable? Well, there must be a reason why things have to happen they way they did, and such experiences in acquiring the set of Asian values contain shaping or polishing qualities for the betterment and holistic development of an Asian identity.

I remember looking at all those boundaries that my parents, relatives and family friends have set in a contemptuous manner - always wishing that I could have more freedom to do all that my heart desires. Desires then were wilder than wild horsies galloping helter-skelter in the plains without a direction. The reigns, the saddle, and spurs dug into me ribs have had it's reasons, of course, as it has whipped me into my rightful little spot then. It was essential for my growth then, I believe, in spite of lacking the understanding of it all in a big picture then. I know some may beg to differ from this viewpoint, when it comes to Asian values. As most, if not all of us were very much exposed to the many forms of media that was and still is greatly influenced by the Western world. Only recently, some shine from the media has reflected on tje roots of our Asian civilisation.

How lovely it is to take into consideration, by instilling into young minds - the age-old asiatic values and culture that still survive in many Asian abodes to this day - respecting the elders, placing the importance fo 'family comes first', family gatherings or reunions to embrace the meaning of festive seasons, the dialect used, to name a few. This is set us apart from the cultured and uncultured.

Today, I'm just thankful that things were the way they were then, by having a strict upbringing and all things Asian instilled from birth to this day - our Asian values, morals, love & respect for all things Asian - that's what I call a holistic culture!

What ifs...

2005-11-12T00:56:00.000+08:00

... are often uttered negatively... and usually drips with a fear of the unknown - though hypothetical, it has made many develop frown lines, white hairs and sleepless nights. It's the forming of a hermit and a coward if one adheres to the negative bits of 'what if...'

I've heard of 'what ifs...' all my life, and I myself is guilty of uttering these two little annoying words. Should there always be a negative view to it rather than a positive side of it? It's like testing the waters... in hope for assurances that 'it's going to be ok'... when a 'what if' is uttered. Why not just take a leap of faith and see where we land instead of worrying over those what ifs?

Often we hear those who had taken a leap of faith while taking risks. Likewise, little are we aware, we've done the very same before as well. Yes, haven't we all taken our leaps of faith for God-knows-what reasons? We've spoken in and of fear. Having slept, ate, and drunk over, or possible just stayed sleepless over those possible risks we have had to take in our lives or just plain worrying over a loved one... and what to do when we are at cross-roads of our lives. We have both received and given tons of advise... even self-counselling... or be in denial... but still, sometimes things must go on... there has to be a decision made! Who knows what will happen if we do not take our chances to just move on with things eventhough it takes a big, fat leap?

In leaps of faith - at the point when we take a leap, our feet are off the floor, with nothing to support us. It is indeed "What if we fall, instead of landing on our two feet after that fateful leap?". There's no telling whether we're going to fall or actually land with our two feet planted on solid ground. Well, 'what if' we really landed on our two feet and everything's fine? There is truth in why we take a 'leap of faith', it is to take the chances that we'll be 'ok' in the end. On the contrary, what if we did not take a leap of faith, and the spot that we've always stood started to sink? Food for thoughts, aye?

So, back to those two lil' words, "What if...", there is positiveness in it, because we should be taking little calculated risks along our little life's path. Let's take a simple example (applicable to most - except for those type A folks) - I'm thinking of all the times of my life, if I had not taken the risk of omitting chapters while studying to sit for all those crazy government exams I took in primary and secondary school... in hope I'd hit jackpot with all those chapters I covered would come out in the exams. If I had not taken the leap of faith and made a decision to omit them chapters, I'd have gone completely cuckoo or turned into a real nerd having to read those numbers of books, cover to cover... not once, but several times (put together, these books were heavy than me then!! - bloody hell!). So, one risk lead to the next, and I passed one exam, and was ready for the next round... progressed to the next level etc.... so that also included little decisions in life... that had to be worked out simultaneously.

Leaps of faith were taken in my choice of work application when I completed my education. That's how I ended being where I am to this day. In the employment world, there were instances where I had to make decisions to meet deadlines at work, what to avoid, and WHO to avoid... and also times where I had to paste on a fearless face and face the music as well... instead of cowering. Also times where there's a need to having to prioritise amongst the already 'prioritised list' of things to do... and all important people to meet then... and investment ... relationships ... and many more. You get the drill?

A leap of faith I did practise, with loads of worries packed on... yes... all those 'what ifs' in my head... all the endless worries that bogged me down with sleepless nights and also frown-forming wrinkles... I still landed on my two feet in spite of doing a reverse of positive thinking, I heaved sighs of reliefs when the negatives did not come true. I'm thinking that I'm not alone in this... I'm charged guilty of negative thinking as well, in spite of concealing it as much as possible.
Likewise, I believe the world practices a leap of faith as well, in hope that the negatives will not come true. Here's a beautiful Decree of Faith that I found written by Maureen Moss:

The Decree of Faith

I no longer confuse what I seem to be with who I really Am.
Knowing who I Am, I still my mind, greet my courage, and seed myself with faith.
Here in my solitude, I Am not burdened by thoughts of the past.

I have no fear of the future. Divorced from past and future,

I have faith that Life in all of its infinite wisdom will take care of me.

Holding positive faith,

I know all situations will be resolved in Divine right order without my control.

The Consciousness that brought my Spirit here is the Consciousness that will guide me safely through my life the instant I allow it to.

My path is illuminated by Divine Light as I take each step toward my Divine nature.

Every question I have is met with an answer when I still my mind to listen.

I have faith in the power of the Love that I Am and my way is made clear.

I take each step forward with faith and love.

This moment I bind myself to positive faith and allow the power of good to surge around and through me.

I Charge myself with radiant I Am Light and embrace all power given to me from within.

My faith and courage dispel the limits and inhibitions of my past,

and I will live each day from this moment on in faith,

elevating my consciousness and being lifted into the future of myself.

I Am indeed blessed . . . and so it is.

It is time to go.

Leave the past behind.

Leave it far behind.

Let it vanish from your sight so that its ghost will no longer hypnotize you.

Now, Beloveds, it is time for transformation.

The Johns in my life - a tribute (they are not dead yet!)

2005-09-02T21:09:00.000+08:00

The weekend greeted me with joy, as it knows that I owe it sleep and housework. Little do I disagree, as my week was occupied by the Johns of my life.

Let me tell you all about both the Johns - a 2nd generation Ceylonese immigrant, and a Welsh immigrant. Let me pop your bubble by announcing to you that there are neither juicy streaks here nor spit-swapping entailing information here. So, quit the suspicions! Anyway, I love both Johns dearly, and the Johns love me too :). Our great and unexplainable platonic friendship is an envy to many - many do not believe in this platonicism, but hey, there's such thing because I have that with not only both these Johns but a few other blokes as well (that's another story altogether, but let me just talk about the Johns now).

Ceylonese John and I have known each other ages ago - we saw the ups and downs of each others' early tertiary education days. We were so platonic that we could slept next to each other like siblings, and ironically behaved like Romeo and Juliet in the dormitories, but laugh like hyenas whenever together. Well, actually, we behave more like hyenas than any resemblance to the Shakesperean play. Maybe only Shakesperean when it comes to our whispering to each other across two buildings - John at the boy-dormitory and me in the girl-dormitory (again, nothing juicy here!)... both sleepless and having to abide by the college's curfew rules. You see, those days, boys and girls cannot mix. Well, all that aside... best of friends that we are, and holding hands and hugging were amongst them. Kisses... never. Yet, we love each other to bits and pieces, and either of us would maul the next person to death for slighting any of us. Let's leave the past as the past... fastforward to last week...

I went to a wedding with John on Saturday, and fussed over his fever and sorethroat. I mummied him, as before, and will always do. We made it to the wedding, and we were happy to see our coupled- good-friends marry each other. Then came Independence day, we spent hours yacking, and did our usual idiosyncratic thing - pulled out 2 plastic mats and placed them at the grassy patch outside the gate and lay down side by side, enjoying the silence of the night, having the sky as our roof, and nudging and kicking each other, making our silly talks and letting out hyena-like laughters. His mother and brothers have gotten used to 'us', they all know me well for wanting the best for John. I'm even allowed to go over to the house and walk up straight to his bedroom and drag him out of bed whenever he's depressed - kick his ass and get him to face the world. Hey, that's what great friends should be like! lol

As for Welsh John, I don't call him a mean bastard for nothing. Well, the feeling's mutual, he calls me a 'fussy bitch' with the most unique contemptuous note. Yet, we love each other to death, as we are best of food buddies and also work buddies - we know each others' train of thoughts very well, and probably have been separated by birth. We share the same stomach for the same kind of food - everything that's edible! This John has gone through my difficult days at work when I was climbing up the corporate ladder (I hate to disappoint ye audience again - there's no romance ever in this). I've known Welsh John for almost 6 years, which is three-quarters of my work life todate. Though he has left Malaysia for 4 years, he has never failed to call me up when he comes down to Malaysia, and we'd pig out like it's the last food on earth (as before when he was posted to my work place for 6 months), and wash all that down by hurling insults at each other and laugh till our faces almost split into halves, and then snort or make faces at each other. Such a great companion, indeed! lol We are like prankster kids whenever put / seated together. Where can you find another good buddy that way? lol

Well, I spent both Monday and Thursday evening pigging out with John this week, and I even had the chance to have a yack with his wife and twins in Oz before he headed back to Perth the next day. His wife doesn't feel the slightest twinge of jealousy nor threatened with my presence, as she knows that her hubs and I are really good friends. At Perth, I spent half the day with Caron and the twins, while John was out to "deep sea fishing" with his brother. I have even gained a family through him (not that I don't have enough 'family' on my end). Anyhow, that's what a good friend is like, their family like you, and your family like him - all for the right reasons, and never any suspicion.

Well, do you see the resemblance between the two Johns? They are as different as morning and night - even literally in skin colour and characters. However, they both share the same thing - kindred spirits with different facets of me. Ceylonse John and I have protective siblinghood attitudes, while Welsh John and I have mindless joys of siblinghood. Get to know my Johns, you'll love them as much as I do.

Heading towards a greener pasture

2005-08-18T14:36:00.000+08:00

A week has passed me by since I have attended a farewell dinner and wished the best to an ex-colleague who has landed herself a job in Kiwi-land.

It brings me joy to see someone hatching from the mundane shell of things to see and experience a new world of opportunities. This in turn, got my mind ticking again of my opportunity in doing the very same thing. Now, only if I have had taken it on a year and a half ago. Well, it's still not too late to realise it, I'd say.

The recent proposed change of management structure and the politickings at work made that 'realisation' even more vivid. I suppose there has been a built up of things, which also contained the seedings contributed by my sister's ideas and thoughts of remaining in this country.

Here I am, a little more than a week to the 48th year of the Malaysian independence celebration... So, where did my patrioticism go? I feel nothing more than lukewarm. I think it was never quite there, the warmth nor the coldnes. Though trails of warmth were salvaged during my days in the States as in being 'proud to be Malaysian', however, it all changed when I had to return home. Upon arriving home, not knowing where my future will lead me to, I was lost in a world of my own - filled with contempt, filled with obligations. It was all that I was then as obligations created a din between my ears. My father, whom I love unconditionally has gotten me to where I am today, rooted and obligated.

Filiality was greater than patrioticism, of course. As the pride has fizzled out by now due to the years of drummings and happenings, the loss of opportunities, the many degrees of attitudes and sub-cultures manifesting from all unthinkable and unsuspectable situations. The experience to date has its magnitude on my self, my growth and my sense of belonging. I have had allowed such to have affected or infected me, there's no one to point a finger at. Somehow or rather, these emotions well up, and contaminates my mind in many ways. My solution to decontaminate whenever I can is by getting out of the country at least once a year, or if I have more leave days to play with, twice.

I'd like to make this home, my green pasture, even as a second-class citizen, with the irony of being the 5th generation here. For some reason, there are more brown bits and weeds growing in my green pasture than its 'should be lush-green'. It had me realising that many things seem to scream 'it's a dead end'. My Dad thinks that I lack positive thinking, but my dreams are darting across my mind, leaping into a form of hallucination, if not reality. I think Dad is of a different generation and has different things to look forward to, and afterall where is he to go since he has us all around him? I will have no one when my parents pass on if I continue to be affected and infected. I'll have to decide for myself, the sooner the better - completely decontaminate.

Now, should I head off back to my plans 2 years ago by getting back to my good ol' green pastures in the land yonder? It's getting more attractive as the days go by, especially when I've begun to drag my feet to work, and hear unsolicited advise to be married and to settle down. My sis and Zorah's right, I can still hear their words. It is my 'self' that I have to listen to - my ways, my style, my being - I cannot be contained here, else I risk total intoxication. I need my growth, and I will grow in time to come, my mind has once again begun to click.

Lily-white life

2005-08-16T16:45:00.000+08:00

I prefer to believe that I led that life all my life since I have a few greyish spots here and there. Yup, they are just lil' specks on that lily that are non-permanent, and amongst them, my love for a nicotine kick.

So, this got me to thinking as I've been working up and down the hill of corporate, marketing, business development, in-house training and all the blahs in the name of the academia industry. Right on, and 'big deal', aye? All those that I've worked with and for were interested to know all the syrupy sweet nothings that ever marred my lily-white responses. The thing is that, dressing and demeanor counts in being criss-crossed and mauled thoroughly to be fitted into the non-lily-white category. Bloody hell, what's the big deal about knowing someone else's private life?

Not even a few alcoholic drinks and honey-glib tongued individuals could unzip my choice of my preferred lifestyle. Perhaps being moulded and expected to be lily-white played a role my habit-forming qualities. Though some may prefer to view it as Lord of the Ring's hobbit-forming qualities - so what?

I sat in front of my desk, having tuesday blues instead of the ordinary monday blues (since I was off work yesterday to do my filial-daughter bits), and read all the junk in my mail box. Apart from my subrscribed scientific researches of proofs and mad findings of behaviours, issues and new drugs / cure for diseases, I've noticed a whole of non-subscribed junk sitting arrogantly in my mailbox. I'm always amazed at how many crazy viagra linked emails and porn there are, including those of miraculous cures and drugs for the materialistic orgasm-crazed world's demands that have resulted to the churning of such junk mails. I got really annoyed, highlighted the lot and sent it to the spam bin.

Then in one of my subscribed researches, a link on some ediets findings popped up, announcing this title: one-night stands - the good, bad and the ugly. That caught my eye, all right, because I know of insurmountable people who went into such experiences with their eyes wide opened. I never understood 'why', and how the hell did they not be responsible for their actions as decent human beings. Of course, I'll leave the men thing out, as men are mostly useless bastards who'd think through their pants more of 'the moment of orgasmic bliss' than their brains and heart. Women who went into these, on the other hand, are just plain in denial about having equality and revenge. It doesn't matter what ethnicity we are, and at which society, women are women. Furthermore, women always end up in the shorter sticky stick than men who have all the liberty of sowing their seeds and droppings like birds. Many women and men who read this may have violent disagreements and may be defensive if they have been 'through the experience'. Why be defensive and react and feel as if I'm talking about them if there's never any wrong or discomfort towards it?

Anyway, I have different argument from violent rejecters of my lily-white thoughts. They think that I'm 'missing out' in life. I kindly ask, "What's there to miss out when you know yourself and who and what you are in the first place? Takes character and wisdom to swim against the worldly currents. Why let lily-white complexions and insides be the butt of a joke? Tainted lives can never be transformed back to lily-whiteness, and I refuse to be a grey lily. That's my choice, my dignity and my right to my own body and mind." I get a smirk in reply, and a big round of sparring and thrusting for the sake of 'who will win the argument'. Is the smirk and argument supposed to get to me?

I wonder what it takes for one to just 'win' without a rationale - all the arguments and harsh words? It's ok by me if they just want to win in the conversation, and they should know better that it's their bodies and mental state they are dealing within themselves, not me. It's sad that many do not realise that the only person that will be with 'you' all your life, is 'you'. Sigh... we truly live in a fallen world, filled with myths and denials and failed trials in life and all the false testimonies and gusto arguments of proving others' wrong. It's best to learn by examples, observations, and Godliness... some things in life, we just don't have to experience it because we don't live long enough to experience everything in the world and waste all that percious time to heal from continuous series of pains and hurts from proven dead-end and mentally-exhausting experiences.

Where is Malaysia heading to these days?

2005-08-08T10:12:00.000+08:00

With the independence day around the corner, I'm just thinking that Malaysia has come a long way and did tons to gain it's independence. To this day, Malaysia has not only recovered it's freedom, it's beauty and salvaged the remains of the cruel raping of the ex-rulers, but also had lots of plusses in having insurmountable great things to offer --> a plethora of good food (we're talking about international too... such a food paradise!), the warmth of it's people, the 'do not care less attitude' (a.k.a. 'tidak apa' attitude), our love and affinity for peace, and wonderful, wonderful nature!

However, sandwiched between, or found in the pores of such wonderful things, and in all things that is of unique Malaysia, or 'Malaysianess', you will find unbelievable and shocking behaviours that are unbefitting of all those mentioned pleasant-ville qualities of Malaysia.

Eventhough a lot of folks these days are more civic-minded and more educated, there are still a large group out there who are eye-sores to the public eye. Did I mentioned "educated" earlier? I must be kidding, hah! Well, truth of the matter is that, forget about them having their education or are 'well-travelled' for instance, as most still end up being extremely 'kiasu' (a Hokkien term for those 'who are afraid to lose out to others'). Where is Malaysia heading to if the community is filled with such trash?

Kiasu behaviours can be seen on roads (we're probably ranking top #3 'worse driving skills' chart of having the worst and craziest drivers on earth). Likewise, the said behaviour can also be witnessed whenever there are mega sales, and free things distributed etc. Amongst these, you will too, find litter bugs, abusers of nature, abusers of public properties / conveniences i.e. public phones and toilets etc.

You will too, find that a 'good few' who would not appreciate queueing systems while getting on any public transport, public toilets, getting into lifts, pay counter etc. To top it all (worse of the worst) is where there's 'free food' (i.e. open houses, or anywhere else)... you will see a greater transformation of 'nice' Malaysians into 'ugly' Malaysians who are so lack of civic-mindedness (not to mention, manners!). Such sad social illnesses are mushrooming faster than our high-rise buildings!

It makes our harmonious multicultural society a joke. We are so proud in so many ways to say that we are 'rich' with our culture and open-mindedness towards the world, and at the same time embrace age-old traditions and customs i.e. respecting the elders and the sick by giving up our seats for them (I'm talking about public transport), or let them have their food first, or get ahead of us while queueing etc. However, there are just 'some folks' who'd swim against these mentioned good parts of the said good nature and beautiful culture.

Back to the question earlier, "Where is Malaysia heading to these days?" It seems that we will never progress but regress if these social illnesses are not curbed. Already, as a colonised country, we have inherited tons of bad habits from the colonial days to disintegrate the society (the divide and rule tactic), but why continue to 'do ourselves in' by topping up with "kiasuness"? Shouldn't we be heading towards a better nation, with better manners and civilisation by proving to the ex-rulers that we are behaving better after independence?

Naive joy

2005-08-06T17:18:00.000+08:00

At the sight of Magnolia Chocolate milk, my class of 14 6-year olds' faces lit up like christmas trees! They were smiling and stretching out their necks, nudging each other to confirm that 'it is chocolate milk that they are seeing!'.

Yes, I walked in to class this morning, with a huge plastic bag filled with packets of chocolate milk, a few packets of colour pencils, stickers and exercise books. I did my bit of shopping last night for a whole hour, looking for lil' treats for my kids.

Just last week, Ms. Suan who took over my class for the day told me that my kids are demotivated to learn as they have not been rewarded of late for their hard work. My heart sank, of course as I didn't see it coming from them. To me, they are always happy to see me, and they are cheeky and naughty, and daring and happy to see me! I can't go that wrong???

So, today, when I walked into the class, they squeaked 'good morning' in their kiddie voices! They looked like they have missed me! Anyway, they were all happy (making me think that these kids do not look demotivated at all!), and perhaps it's the rapport that I have with them that Ms. Suan doesn't have. Well, I've already bought all the lil' pressies / treats for them, so, I might as well make 14 lil' hearts swell with joy.

Without pausing to do other things, I announced to the class that everyone will go home with chocolate milk and also, stickers... You should have seen the excitement on their faces. Such joy, though naive, but I felt so happy to see them smiling happily... they are infectious! So, you can well-imagine us there, our faces were about to split into halves with wide and happy smiles and grins.

Spontaneously, I made up some rules, and announced to them 'For each spelling session, if you have one mistake, you will have a small sticker, and if you have 100% correct, you will have a big star sticker." I paused, and so did the kids, they held their breaths to hear more... and I kept them in a tiny bit of suspense (they were so cute and so filled with anticipation!).

Well, I continued, "Now, I will count all these stickers in your spelling book. If I count that you have 10 stickers, I will reward you with a golden star. If you have a golden star, I will give you a bigger present - set of colour pencils". I waved a packet of coloured pencils in the air... and saw the kiddies' eyes glued on them like magnets!

Then I turned to my teachers' table, and sat down sticking stickers and counting stickers in their spelling books. You should see them the moment I did that, the kids all left their seats and rushed towards me, and crowded around me to count the stickers 'together' with me. They love their stickers soooooo much!

As excited as they are, I proudly told them that I have bought 'outlined stickers'. All the kids knew about 'what they were'... haha! In fact, I didn't know there was 'such a thing' till I was educated by the ladies at the bookstore last night. I bought 'em goldie-outlined 'star-shaped' stickers... Now, I can't believe that there has been so much developement on stickers in comparison to my ol' days as a kid!

So, 4 out of 14 got their their golden stars, and also coloured pencils. So much for their joy! Hmmm... and classes went on as usual, but more 'livened up'. I suppose that's what Ms. Suan meant by 'motivating them'. They were indeed, happier than the usual 'happy' I see them as. I'm thinking that how wonderful it is to have such naive joy, and to be so easily pleased. I wonder where did all of that in me go to, as I do remember myself being that way too before. Still, I'm happy for today's insight and exposure, and it reminded me to love life and a little more, and leave complications behind.

A time to be strident...

2005-08-02T16:10:00.000+08:00

Deep conversations and ideas usually crop up between the puffs of cancer sticks and exhaling concentrated carbon dioxide! There we are, Doreen girlie and I, 10 years apart in biological age from each, but ironically equal in our strident and snooty ways. Some things can neither be watered down by years nor segregated by age.

Anyhoo, the topic was all about 'grooming our future kids to be Chinese Eds in oppose to English Eds' to produce parental-desired-result-children. Doreen's reasoning is a spot on in reflection to her self-examination and empathy for her parents, 'I don't want my kids to be like me, so strident, rebellious and snooty!' Well, me on the other hand, unregretful and cheerleading to have my kids to be just like me, swam right to the opposite end of Doreen's reasoning. It'll be interesting to have kids as strident a.k.a. willful as I am. Hah!

So, food for thoughts, are strident behaviours moulded or innate? Definitely moulded to an extent, but sometimes it's just in the genes, afterall, I am the way I am because I'm my parents' child. Lions cannot have lambs for children.

We love our parents and other authorities to an extent (this is not convincing, so let me reword it --> we obey because most of us fear punishment and the wrath of God for disrespecting). Yes, that's it! Absolutely and no doubt about it! BUT, where do we draw the line in deciding what we want for ourselves from what our parents want out of us? I see many parents, living their dreams through their children, making them do all sorts of things to make up for the loss times of what their very own parents couldn't afford or lack of planning then to give them due opportunities to do what they dreamt of... Here we go again!

So, these thoughts snowballed to a different dimension, though I see it's links. Take for example, for all that I've observed in my very limited span of work life and life as a whole, it's the strident ones that got to see more of the world, and love life more for themselves than to just live for others (including parents). Rebellious or selfish, may all strident children be called, but there's a reason of how individuals would like to fulfill their dreams and walk their own little litted paths, though destined. Should we accept our fates so obediently or is it worth a fight to at least try and make things work? Being Chinese Educated appears to me as having a leash around my neck, and at the beck and call of parents' or any authority, great sense of honour and respect for rules and regulations, and being totally mindful of one's social standing in a shared community. While being English Educated is all about speaking back and having one's own mind, and eyeing for loopholes in rules and regulations, a willfulness to insist that respect and authority is earned, not out of blind acceptance of an exponential relationship between ascending respect with upward moving hierarchical order.

Because of feudalism a.k.a. 'forced respect', the world suffered. While the poor and middle class rot by working their fingers raw and squared off in spite of knowing a better way to improve things, AND the blue blooded ones, upper and upper-middle class excel in the expense of the initial. Likewise, crappy traditions and customs are not broken off and got interwoven into modern times, stunting the growth and promotion of the poor to middle class, and the middle class to upper middle. Likewise, the kind of ingrained 'respect for there's no other way' due to the meritocracy of age, position (all of ascending hierarchical order) from Chinese-Ed-mentality, keeps one within the box of acceptance. So, be thankful to keep safe, and never dabble into the world of opportunities and the times of signs, age and modernism. You get the drift.

There's a time to be strident when you want to see results. Plan to make changes for a better life, and oozing satisfaction of "I've been there". I'm speaking of stridence that do not injure and hurt others from progressing, neither those that step on the weak to excel. BUT, hardwork, dilligence, hope and perserverance. I'm very much in agreement to the point where progression of individuals, companies, technology and all that of it's interalia likeness is due to agression (the good and positive kind) ---> dare to dream ---> dare to try ---> dare to swim against the flow of rigidity. Some may say that this is all about the birth of anti-establishment. My father once said that I'm anti-establishment, but he made a choice of perceiving me as having a mule-headed rebellion against authority. Nah, nah, nah, it's about improving things, adopting new ideas and living outside of a boxed-mentality. Afterall, nothing of these compromised with my ethics, ingrained moral and religion... so, it doesn't fit into a mixed-up / mixed-bag of confusion category.

Technology, better lifestyle, happier people...all stem from people who have achieved part of their dreams and so forth. Imagine a world where everyone lives in obedience and rules and regulations, we'd still live without lights, cars, handphones and many more comforts in life. We might as well join the Amish. At least the Amish did not stop us from progressing the way we want, they just refused participation and left us to our own devices. But that cannot be said for most parents and authorities, they want to stop us dead on our tracks.

So, hurrah to being strident, as it kicks the square to learn to roll over, and definitely brings the lions out of lambs!

Whoah... time flies!

2005-08-01T16:32:00.000+08:00

August just rolled in today, and I can't believe that we're actually in the 8th month of year 2005! I was just thinking, I'm only 4 months plus in my braces, and just into my 3rd month of Catechism classes - all in all, a bloody long way to go!

On one hand, I'm happy that the days and months are rolling past me like a blink of an eye, while another part of me on the aging bits is weighing me down. Though ironically, my weight has gone down a whopping 4 kgs since I had my braces on... so, who needs Atkins or South beach diets? Just go get braces!

Every single day, I'd stare into the mirror a few times a day or anything that I come across that has a shiny surface and reflects my image. I'd take long stares of my teeth, and make all sorts of monkey faces so that I'd get a better glimpse of my molars, canines and incissors. I'd even go to the extent of playing with my braces a little, smack my lippies a bit, and see what I'd look like if I smile this way or that way? Too much wires or teeth showing? What's the ratio of teeth to braces to gums are like? Geez, ain't I glad that I'm no engineering chick who is specific about precisions or degrees or angles of anything!

Yeah, it sounds like all the 'mirror-looking' may imply that I've contracted some rare type of narcissus syndrome, but not quite. I'm a madam-metal-mouth at the moment, so just think of 'jaws' in the Bond series of 'moonraker'. Even Martin would nod vigourously at this comment, as he thinks that I'd come in handy when he wants a bottle of beer opened... I could just well imagine him whistling me over, "here, here, girlie, open your mouth and 'pops' the beer lid off the bottle and starts *gulping*". How convenient!

FYI, my teeth have moved a fair bit, and they are straightened these days, with lil' gaps in between! Imagine the impossible-looking crowded and bucked-two-front teeth I once had is no longer there. Even my face shape has changed (me jaw has shrunken, my cheeks have sunk in - I'm no longer the round-faced girlie you once knew).

The next thing to do in the next appointment is for the dentist to put in a different set of thicker volumed wires. This will push my top and bottom front teeth in, and to pull the back top & bottom teeth towards the front to close those gaps where the chucked-out biscupids were once at. I'm excited to see the changes, and I can imagine 'em gaps closing. At the moment, they are closing oh-so-slo-o-o-o-wly. Just 1mm per 3 weeks, and a few stubborn ones are not even budging yet? A biscupid tooth gap is about 6mms, if you are interested to know. So far, 3mms are closed, and that's halfway! Yay! So, *quick calculation* this may mean that I need another 4 months for the gaps to completely close? Hmmm? Come November and December... come quickly *chant chant chant*.

Now, enough of my teeth, let's look at another set of teething problems... My parents' visit and Martin's undecided mode! As for parents, they are in the midst of the 3rd week of visit (glad time's flying on this one). I love 'em, but they can't leave me alone without telling me off like I'm a small child, or stuff me up like a turkey with all the nice foodies! As for space (which I long for the most...), I was just complaining to Zorah this afternoon that I don't even have a proper toilet break at home without Mom knocking to either get my change of clothes, or she wants to brush her teeth, or have her 'private moment' at the pee pit. So, forget about the mention of having some teeny weeny space to myself. What space?

Sleeping arrangements were as per usual eventhough Winnie has moved out of the spare room. I bumped into Winnie when I was jogging at the Mont Kiara Forest Reserve tracks, and she said, "have yer parents moved into my ex-room yet?" I said, "Nah, nah, they refused to". Seems like the bonding bits are much better if Mommy sleeps with daughter, and Daddy sleeps with son... yes, bro and I are pouting to the max that you can actually hang a couple of clothes hangers on our lower lip. *Hey! no incest going on here - just a very traditional Chinese way of parents bonding with their kids, irregardless of their age!*

As for Martin, status quo or currently regressing. Yup, nothing to write about this.... sad, huh?

Nevertheless, I'm trying hard to fill up my days with more reading, which I've abandoned for years. I missed reading, and I should get back to it, and take advantage of the situation with parents being around. Time would fly even faster if I'd nose dive into them books, especially the religious order ones! Hmmm... means that the waiting time for my braces would be quartered by now, and the Catechism classes errr... quartered as well. Before I know it, year 2006 will be just around the corner.

Just another warm sunday

2005-07-31T22:03:00.000+08:00

The warm bits are the usual, but there's something unusual about this sunday as I have to wake up really early and also caught up with an old friend (Narissa) whom I've lost touch for many years! Right, I had to wake up at 6:30am to buy 5 corn-fed chickens for a preggie friend who will be induced this coming tuesday. Yes, corn-fed chix, they are not the same as any other chickens, mind you!

I missed church this sunday, as I had to catch up on sleep. I feel kind of 'bad', you know what I mean? Anyhow, I'll be spending some time meditating tonight, and I know God will understand :). I woke up to have a little chat with Narissa, who's happily married and residing in East London. There are lots of memories of those days when I was Narissa's roomie, and also my A levels classes. Those were the days of John, Russell, Ramani, Jason, Kiran, Kah Peng, Kah Seng, Sonia, Domino and many more to name. I'm doing a lil' bit of walking down memory lane these days.

So, back to the market and this really warm sunday... my daddy dearest decided to tag along with me to Theresa's house, so that Theresa's mom, Dad and I would go to the Kepong market together. You must be wondering 'why Theresa's mom?'... Well, it's because I have no idea where to get corn-fed chickens other than via Theresa's mom, who has been helping me to buy those chickens for the past 5 years.

Anyway, as I drove, tagging behind David's car (Theresa's bro), I felt like I'm entering into another world that existed more than 50 years ago. I wish I brought my camera there and show you 'Kepong market' because I felt like I've been transferred to an old Chinese kampong! Then again, I'd look really weird taking pictures there, and I bet people will come over and check out what I'm snapping at... perhaps it's best to leave 'old places' in my minds' eyes, than to have it down in pictures.

It's a world that I've seen before, in fact, familiar... it's like a my dad's hometown in Kudat, where my paternal grandparents live. Structures of houses and shops, and even the market are of the old-styled wooden type. They are at least 70-80 years old... those structures... Dad says it's more, so, I believe him.

The marketing bits were fun, and we bought ourselves a whole roast pork rib, barbequed pork shoulder as well on top of the 5 corn-fed chickens for my friend, and a couple of chickens for ourselves, lots of lil' cakes and very chinese snacks for mommy dearest. Both Dad and I dump all the things in the car, and walked over to one of the shops to have a bowl of vermicelli soup with steamed wantons, fishballs and porkballs - absolutely yummy homecooked-tasting stuff. All in all, the environment, the food reminded me of grandma, who used to sell such stuff in the market back in Sabah... and I missed her all of a sudden... it'll be 2 years' anniversary next tuesday since granny has passed on.

I got home to sleep right after the marketing bits, and missed church all together... while Mom, Dad, bro and girlie went on to church, lunch and more shopping in my absence. Then before I knew it, it's already 5:30pm, and it's my turn to bring Mom and Dad to the night market and also out little walk at the Mont Kiara Forest reserve... and a late night dinner later on at home to wind up this warm sunday.

Too much food!

2005-07-25T10:00:00.000+08:00

Yes, I'm complaining. I'm all pouty and spoilt to the boot. Completely annoyed and upset that I've put on 2 kilograms over the past 2 weeks is all my parents' fault! Pout, pout, pout! BUT, I'm enjoying the homecooked foodies like never before! :) tee hee hee

I meant to put a picture in this blog, but in our ravenous state at all eating times, I would forget to take a picture of the wonderful spread of food before my eyes. In spite of me holding on to my beloved digital camera at most meal times, I would STILL forget to snap pictures of 'em food!

Last saturday night, I bought a tiny feast for a preggie friend & her mom + her frenchie hubby, and of course, my lovely parents. I'm going to tell you what I ordered: Barbequed / grilled pork-thigh with toasted bread on the side, steamed salt-rubbed corn-fed chicken, stir-fried chinese lettuce in tangy soy & lots of deep-fried cloves of garlic, a steamed dish of a mix of salted duck eggs, century eggs and 'normal' eggs (giving it a lovely custard-smooth consistency) , amaranth soup with glass noodles, prawns, anchovies and century eggs. Yums! I'm glad for my friend's asianised Frenchie hubby, who eats everything we eat in a hearty way - and made no bones about enjoying his meals! ! I know my darling Martin would enjoy the food more if he was here! Won't you, my dear if you're reading this blog?

Indeed, I'm just naming one tiny feast, but can you imagine dining that way every single evening in different variations of yummy foods for the past 2 weeks? We eat too much, and Dad says, "It's ok, we don't always do this"... but, but, but... they're going to be here for a total of 6 weeks, and I can't pack on 6 kilograms. To add to this, I have no time for the gym with them being around... my hard work in toning & firming up is going down the drain. I have become another form of food - TOFU or BEANCURD... you name it! Wahhhhhhhhh! Yes, I'm back to ******** (rhymes with snitching) about my extra 2 kilograms! I stood in front of the mirror, pinching the sides of my stomach, turning front ways, sideways, sucking in my stomach till I almost turned blue on the face. I now do not have a beer gut, but an over-fed food gut!

To make myself feel better, I insisted on going on a 5-kilometer walk at a nearby forest reserve with my parents yesterday evening. After the walk, I continued to insist in cooking lots of vegetables and NO MEAT, and dunking down freshly-squeezed fruit juices before our meal so that it would 'take up our stomach space'. I even made my parents do the same thing too... hehe. It's time that we eat healthy once again!

Things ain't the same no more...

2005-07-14T17:04:00.000+08:00

Having my parents around for the next 5 weeks is actually fun! (Not being satirical here at all!)

Right, they are currently enjoying their bonding time their darling children, namely bratty bro and I. Little horrid me was thinking earlier, "What on earth am I going to do with them hanging around for so long? To tell the truth, I've not stayed any time more than 4 weeks with them for the past 15 years! Indeed, indeed, that's the whole truth, nothing but the truth.

This time round, we've made it to the records as we are quarrel-free after a week of bunking under the same roof. In fact, the week felt like it has flown past me, hmmpf! Everyone knows that I love my parents tons, if not to little bits and pieces. However, their fretting over me like I'm an idiotic 5-year-old at all times just drives me up the wall. I swear at times, I'd find more comfort up in the wall than being back down here on normal ground.

The funny thing is that, it's either that I've grown much older where our age differences have fused closer, or it's my parents who have actually mellowed down to become more peaceful. Their serenity could have stemmed from all the recent events and experiences dealing with our relatives and situations within crazily large and extensive family. Perhaps I've picked up on tolerance, mayhaps perseverance or have simply grown wiser? What d'ya think?

I have to admit that there are many instances where it's only a mere storm in a teacup, but our quarrels are always so bitter and deafening. Perhaps we're all just plain eratic as our quarrels usually drain us to the bones, emotionally. I suppose, blood will always be thicker than water, and hence, forgiveness comes easier in dealing with each other. Maybe we're just very elastic people?

So, I was observing Mom and Dad over the past week, and I swear, some things will never change! Indeed, they are as cantankerous as ever. Their 'snapping at each other' still drives me up the wall. For some reason, most conversations they have agitates me to the ends of the earth. I've always tried stopping them from raising their voices at each other, till a couple of days ago. Yes, this time round, it has truly halted me from ever trying to stop Mom and Dad from their unfriendly exchanges with each other. Here goes, Dad's comments, a couple of days ago after I've shouted on top of their 'shouts' to keep quiet and let me drive in peace... Dad said, "Hey, why are you so easily agitated, Mom and I are just having a normal conversation". I gave Dad an incredulous look, and was flabbergasted (rare occassion, aye?). I went, "What???" in my head, and my eyes probably showed all the 'whats?' as well. Dad let the whole thing drop and went on 'talking' to Mom.

The main thing that strike me right after that is that my both my parents are slowly losing their sense of hearing. Good grief, why didn't I notice that? The way the television is blasting away in the house, and how they turned up the radio in the living room like they're trying to fill up a multi-purpose hall with music... It is loud, VERY loud!

Well, I have come to terms with this, and no longer stop them from raising their voices at each other. So, I've begun to pay more attention to the content of their 'talks', and I listened carefully at what they were saying... and true enough, they were having a conversation of agreeing and disagreeing like us normal young uns do...or mid 30s do. It's all that sparring and thrusting kind of conversations just for the heck of it. Hey, they do it, I do it, face it, we all spar and thrust for the heck of it!

Apart from all these, I have too noticed that Mom tries speeding through housework like she used to during her more robust and younger days. She kept running into little accidents, like burning herself at the stove, or splashing hot water accidentally on her feet, or slipping on wet floors and all sorts! No joke, mom's accident proned! It's almost like watching Larry or Moe or Harry (the 3 stooges) doing their little stunts, just that Mom is alone in all these scenes.

Nevertheless, there's nothing comical about this, especially when I have to dress Mom's oil-burned-burst blisters on the inside of her right arm. Let me tell you, that's an ugly and very painful wound. Of course, as I dress her wound before bedtime, I'd nag her. Indeed, Mom's turning me into a nag. I can't help it as she kept on ripping the wound open with her daily housechores. I have no idea what is there to do, and there seemed to be endless things to do in the house. I've lived there for years, and didn't have to slog around that way! To me, there's more to life than spending every waking moment doing housechores! To mom, nothing could seem to wait for another day. This really got me agitated, because I realised that: 1) Mom has grown older; 2) Mom is trying to be efficient but has her limitations these days due to her age; 3) Mom is trying to please us, but we don't need no pleasing.... Indeed, things ain't the same no more when folks grow older, and children grow older.

It has saddened me greatly that acceptance of old age on my Mom's end has to be in place. Dad has accepted it (I remembered he had trouble accepting it in the past and still insisted on trimming tall mango trees himself, where he'd climb up giant mango trees in the garden and start chopping the branches off so that they won't touch the wires or lean against the roof top). So, Dad has now wisened up and accepted aging is a fact, and his movements are limited. He's more sporty in reminding Mom that she's no longer young, and she needn't prove herself to be by being so overly diligent in clearing up housework like there's no tomorrow. Good on ya, Dad!

Sigh... I suppose, when we grow older, it'll take us a while to realise that things ain't the same no more with ourselves - agewise, skillwise, memorywise, keeping abreast with technology and the way the world is... and all that's linked with anything 'wise', though we may have evidently grown wiser with age. I'm just looking forward to Mom's soonish realisation before she hurts herself badly from trying to prove herself too much. She's gotta know that as we age, things ain't ever goin' to be the same ever.

A Singleton's Sense and Sensitivities

2005-07-07T19:06:00.000+08:00

Being a single and independent mid-30s woman is about the most wonderful experience ever. It is in the surety of what she wants, what she needs and how she reasons with the world, and not to mention... having her own spending power.

Her sense and sensitivities are not just skirted around herself, as being considerate is the key and philosophy of life. Yet, she affirms her position in beliefs, thoughts, and opinion. She has embarked in her journey to become rounded around the edges that leadd to the road of self-actualisation.

The common sense she posseses is filled with sense and sensitivities. She relates herself to the world and vice versa, and balances out both impromptu and slow-processed decisions. Being single is a mixture of her choice and God's plan. She knows that if she is to be matched, her time will come. If God did not match her with anyone (yet), she accepts without mulling over how her biological clock is ticking. She knows that her existence, her being in this journey of many uncertainties has it's certainties in part of God's plans. She can rave on in life with focused confidence and God's providence. Hence, she sought for His kingdom first, and know that all will fall into place.

As for the her sixth sense, her intuition is in the process of being fine-tuned to perfection. The mileage of wisdom is gained continues from this point onwards. Though she allows room for mistakes, she remembers to be kind rather than always be right. In experience, she takes constructive criticism with grace, and knows that when the wall crumbles, the challenge is to be able to stand up and walk again.

She dares to dream, though she treads more carefully in view of lessons she learned in the past. Her dreams has the edge of a better tomorrow, one that shares her life with significant others - family, future spouse, future children inter alia. They are far from gullible fairytales, but they can be tall lorders, but she dares to still work out for a better tomorrow. She knows that to married is a bonus if she is matched, or to celebrate singlehood if she is unmatched. She will not let anyone else tells her how to lead her life.

However, the world hardly sees it that way, as being single is being self-centred. Since this is penned down by a Singleton, it makes sense to her. The world believes that sharing seems to be everything. In the absence of marriage, there has to be companionship as the world sees it. Eventhough companionship or marriageship and all those in ships are expected to link with romanticism or lust for life, it could present itself in the form of twosomes, sometimes, sadly, threesomes or more. There are even occasions where Singletons could be recruited into the facade of coupledom that may either yield to eventual splitsville, but with a little blessing and effort, there could be a fairytale-happy-ending.

In friendship, one can observe that she is never lack in the social skills department. She can have hoards of friends in their 20-something, and a handful of die-hard really good ones in their 40s, while a fast-dimishing number of 30-something girlfriends who have lost their respect for singlehood, or embittered with singlehood, or plain deliriously happily married and spreading the get-hitched gospel whether one wants to hear it or not. Such is life, the many characters in her journey in celebrating herself.

She continuously keeps in touch with her youth and vanity by having 20-something friends eventhough this group do not measure up to her maturity level at times. When they do - bingo, she feels at home. Her cynicism is beyond this group, her reasonings too, at times bring out the rebellion in the 20-somethings. However, the main simbiotic relationship between the 20s and the 30s is to celebrate the grandeur of girlieness and appreciate little blessings in life that could be muddled and blurred by the cynicism of aging. Youth doesn't last a lifetime, and she knows it. Hence, she makes the best of it.

On the other hand, those who are her age, in couplehood, singlehood or otherhood, mostly have a competitive edge. She knows who to avoid, and keeps only a small handful of same aged girlfriends.

Comparitively, she has more good 40-something girlfriends than those of her age group. This is her way of looking into the future of life, and how she'd shape herself to be when she reaches their age. Such friends are very dear to her, she loves them and sometimes loathe them for being right. However, she has the grace to accept, and know that friends of such are to be kept for life.

A singleton's journey is indeed a lonely one at times, but there's more joy than sadness that can be brought about by coupledom and otherdom. It's a place where no parents nor friends and others could understand, it's individualistic. Though there may be some individuals who share the like-mindedness, but how one deals with it's single status could differ greatly. Hence, continuing to dream, taking risks, loving people with all her heart and hurting like no one has ever hurt her before, is all that she knows will strengthen her to be stronger for the future.

How beautiful this is....

2005-06-27T23:57:00.000+08:00

Just think...

You are not here by chance,

but by Godâ€™s choosing.

His hand formed you,

and made you the person you are

He compares you to no one else,

You are one of a kindYou lack nothing,

that His Grace canâ€™t give you,

He has allowed you to be here

at this time in history to fulfill

His special purpose for this generation.

by Roy Lesen

â€œTo every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven.â€� Ecclesiastes 3:1 KJV

The Five-finger Prayer

2005-06-02T14:16:00.000+08:00

After going through some rough spots in life, I've realised that my relationship with God has slacked over those times. Once again, I am prompted by the holy spirit to read the message for the day, and true enough it was applicable to my burning questions from last night - How do we pray effective prayers?

Here's a partial excerpt of it:

When you fold your hands, the thumb is nearest you. So begin by praying for those closest to youâ€”your loved ones (Philippians 1:3-5).

The index finger is the pointer. Pray for those who teachâ€”Bible teachers and preachers, and those who teach children (1 Thessalonians 5:25).

The next finger is the tallest. It reminds you to pray for those in authority over youâ€”national and local leaders, and your supervisor at work (1 Timothy 2:1-2).

The fourth finger is usually the weakest. Pray for those who are in trouble or who are suffering (James 5:13-16).

Then comes your little finger. It reminds you of your smallness in relation to God's greatness. Ask Him to supply your needs (Philippians 4:6,19).

Whatever method you use, just talk with your Father. He wants to hear what's on your heart. â€”Anne Cetas

Our prayers ascend to heaven's throne
Regardless of the form we use;
Our Father always hears His own

Regardless of the words we choose. â€”D. De Haan

An Ode to Prodigal Children

2005-06-02T01:12:00.000+08:00

Oh sweet memories of our childhood,
Prevalent peace lives in the neighbourhood,
Where no unpleasantaries ever whirls,
A perfect place for growing little boys and girls.

Oh such joy we share in love and trust,
Perfect friendships that goes beyond the crust,
Where friendly neighbours were a-plenty,
A haven for us till we were almost twenty.

Oh willful parents who always meant well,
Positive and open minded, you can tell,
Where us children must attend universities,
A land yonder they sent us to understand diversities.

Oh how time flies, though educated we are now,
Parents, old by now, and feeling far from low,
Where a silver lining they see in every cloud,
A dream lived through their children, they feel so proud

Oh goodness, gracious us, where have we been?
Possibly lost in our own world that cannot be seen?
Where parents waits patiently at home for prodigal us,
A patience and perseverance alike, they made no fuss

"Oh, just go home every now and then", we'd procastinate,
Pay homage to our dear parents before it's too late,
Where their sacrifices are the Asiatic ways of life,
A culture so fine, our filiality should never be a strife!

The Art of Philandering

2005-03-22T17:18:00.000+08:00

In the past, the word philander is only applicable to men who would have a lot of casual sexual relationships with women. These days, it's not only men who fall into the above mentioned category, but lots of women too. The world has gone chaotic and way too hedonistic just to appear 'cool' to others to have the 'number' escalating. Do conquests matter? How shallow!

Right, is there an 'art' to it? Since it's such a common thing these days, and there's a group at large out there who are not even ashamed to admit to it, or are actually proud that they could get away with it! If this is so, there must be an art to it since one can channel his / her energy in doing all these rather than 'investing' into just one partner and really, really make things work... or just to preserve oneself and save up just for that one special person.

There are different types of philandering - some just cheat when they already have partners, married or are in a relationship. While some go on serial sex sprees but 'keep things clean' by flitting from one 'flower' to the next - like bees draining nectar / pollen. So, which form of philandering's worse?

Yeah, everyone has a need to be accepted and loved by someone else. Some have this extra bit of gnawing need that the gap can only be filled with affairs or even philandering! Maybe it's all about having an ego boost by philandering - could that be an answer to some? Is it truly an answer to self-fulfilment or it's just a sad case of being in denial? Familiar lame and blatant excuses for doing either ranges from having a naggy to non-nymphomaniac wife or girlfriend (hey, even boyfriends / husbands too!). While in the case of a woman - having a loser boyfriend / husband back home (as read in many magazines and some undisclosed confessions from people I know). Some even give galling statements such as 'women or men tempting them' to do it... a pressure or some crazy need to quench their curiosity to 'try everything at least once'. It's all in the act of denial, I'd say! Some say it makes them appreciate their men / women more at the end of the day... but how silly to be experimenting oneself in such a way! I believe that guilt goes a long way, and it doesn't matter how one may put it as if they are 'over and done with it'... but they actually have recurring thoughts about 'things as they were'... creating their own mixed ups and hurting people who actually love them!

Well, that aside, it's just really interesting (if not disgusting) to see how some believe that they can completely compartmentalise their feelings to 'just sex minus the feelings'... having successfully come out clean from it doesn't mean that one is 'clean'... the taste of a forbidden fruit stays imbedded deep in the soul. Though some have found a new lease in life by 'changing' through a 'true love' or via a religious sect. Hey come on, such men or women should just admit that they don't want to control what goes on from the pew downwards and treat 'sex and love' as separate entities.

Sex and love as separate entities... in this case, let's look into gender differences. A majority of men are better at being pragmatic about compartmentalising, while most women are just too emotional to separate these two. As the gap of gender equality grows closer with equal job opportunities and women's emancipation, such women in this category who play the field should just get real with the fact that there'll never be true equality by proving that they can be like men in this department! Sad to say that most of the female gender eventually muck up the sex and love connection by mashing them together! In actual fact, though many will not agree at this stage till they muck up their lives, every human being long for stability and some form of decency before they expire. For goodness sake, even gigolos and prostitutes want to be decent at the end of the day!

Right, back to philadering... my thoughts about this is that the basic art of it is that to be a philaderer you must possess the following 10 characteristics (you may beg to differ - but I don't give a toss!) :

1) Be completely self-centred - only your feelings, needs and desires matter!
2) Be a compulsive liar
3) Be unbothered about ruining others' lives to experience true love just because you don't have it
4) Be upfront with seeking pleasure at all cost (hedonism at it's peak)
5) Be outdated by thinking that sexually transmitted diseases are kept at bay if contraception's used
6) Be continuously uneducated to the fact that you'll never get caught
7) Be blind to the meaning of loyalty, trustworthiness and everything that's moralistic
8) Be in a transient and irresponsible stage all your life and never commit to anything that till you lose it (but it's too late!)
9) Be unrelentlessly thick by believing that you are just having a good time while it lasts
10) Be a true cynic on the old saying : 'what comes around, goes around'

Well, it's interesting to know and see some who can be so cold about going through the motions without emotions. Beats me how they do it (I'm sure they think about it especially when some of their loved ones are being 'philandered' or perhaps they'll only come to realise it when they experience the downside of philandering at the end of the day! But hey, do these people have a conscience or it's just to bolster the low self-esteem? Hmmm...they must be really lonely 'up there' to be so full-on into servicing 'downstairs department' just to stay away from the real world of being an emotional being. Aren't we all habitual and emotional beings at the end of the day in spite of thinking that we can be very pragmatic and realistic? How many times do we need to be proven that we as flawed beings cannot be in full control and have everything that sails according to how and what we want at all times? So, could philandering be an act of insecurity with a front that says "I'm in control of myself and can do anything I want without getting caught"... So, what say you?

Chances

2005-03-21T00:27:00.000+08:00

I believe in creating opportunities for things to take place, but I do not know of the outcomes. Neither do you, you or YOU. The unknown is not prophesised nor determined by us, but by the Creator as in accordance to the Will of God.

Some believe in fate, and some would count the stars and even their birthdates, birth-time and whatever just to ensure the accuracy of their future. If we are created by chance, why don't we chance it all and live each day as if it's a gift of life? Should we even need to refer or depart our monies to fortune-tellers, bomohs, gypsies and their crystal balls and other witch doctors just to take a glimpse into our future? This alone shows that we all long to know our purpose in life.

Yes, we are all created for a purpose in life. 'Chances' of our creation and existence, and whatever scientists or others' self-proclaimed genius ways of predicting the future by coining modern or archaic words still do not apease our minds of what and why things happened they way they did, or are they way they are. Yeah, acceptance is either by 'taking things with a pinch of salt'... or 'take it as a guide to live peacefully'... as some may say... but why the dying need to know if one still want to take it half seriously? Something's wrong somewhere. Why? Because we want to know - what's our purpose, and what will befall on us before we fulfill our purpose in life!
Well, let's look into 'chances' again... could things happen by chance? Is our existence too, by chance? Purposeless and meaningless? Molecules plucked out of the air to form beings and things around us, like all those said in the 'big bang theory?' I don't believe in this. Somehow, somewhere, our lives are created for a loaded purpose. Such purpose is based on our calling for whatever we need to fulfill before our time on earth is over. May it be a calling in our vocation in life, or peoples' lives that we are supposed to touch or unknowingly influenced or whatever. Likewise, people who come into our lives, through various types of relationships, i.e. friendship or whatever-ship, they leave little footprints and fingerprints in our lives that will never make us the same as before. Lessons to learn, experiences to wisen us up, making sense of who, what and how we are like for what suits us the best. All these entail our skills, our innate special little ways, discoveries of ourselves in relation to what is around us too as in 'why are we created?', 'what are we to fulfill?', 'what are our challenges in life?'

In reference to all the above, how could there be a chance that we are created? No, no, no, forget about going back to parents who did not do family planning. Still, one should know that it's not that easy to conceive, and nor is it by chance. It's all about timing, a God-bestowed timing. Believe it or not? So, did we just appear out of no where? We know that mommy and daddy got together and that's how we popped out. How about our forefathers... tracing right up to the very first being on earth? There must be a creator, isn't it? (Sorry, Atheists and Agnostics - what other proofs do you need on finding the existence of God, and also the presence of God?).

Anyway, apart from us being created, there are more amazing programming within us to lead a purposeful life. Did this all happen in a big bang, as in those of the famous scientific theory? Nah, nah, nah. Let's look at ourselves genetically - we are individuals with complexed DNAs. DNAs that are inherently programmed to make us as 'us' - special - definitely 'one of a kind' to make up for a teeny weeny 'lack' that the world needs. Yes, one of a kind that is loaded with a purpose of life in the Will of God. One might start asking, 'why are murderers, rapists and cheaters created?' Well, that's another whole story of the spiritual warfare that we are living in. We'll get into that another day. Now, bear with me on this one... A life that is created, is programmed to make a difference in the way the world ticks. Eventhough we may perceive ourselves as being no more effective than a drop in the ocean, but still, we make a difference even in our daily nuances!

Life as it is require us to go through grinds, moulds, shredders and all sorts that one can 'analogise'. Such, are not cruel happenings / plans to make us suffer, but to perfect us to be more focused and better beings. Some learn, and some just didn't because they also exercise their choices in obeying and disobeying - I'll call this 'tuning off the calling'. Right, we call 'sufferings' as learning experiences. Through these, we are developed, 'renovated' inwardly to adapt to changes in life. Changes that hones each of us, individually to fulfill a purpose in creating meanings for both ourselves and those that are around us. Isn't the Creator a genius in programming all these? How can we ever be free agents out of thin air that is created by chance, as science has been debunking the Bible and God's promise of Providence (that is when one seeks the kingdom first)?

The thought of being 'free agents' in running our lives without paying tribute to fulfilling our purpose will drive us into the wilderness (figuratively, maybe literally for some!). Being free agents or being calling-fulling-agents, we are not exempted from running into walls of different degrees of hardness till we 'see', or 'find' a way around it... but we always do it with a purpose, to fight for our survival in wanting to know 'what's the end deal after we've completed such rough patches in life?' Do you see what I mean by life becoming pretty meaningless if there isn't a purpose in life? Already, we absorb enough through our flawed little selves that contribute to our complexities. Above it all, we have to deal with our emotions! Everything seems to exercise all our range of emotions whether we like it or not, because 'we are not in control' of everything. Some may think that it's all in the mind, but isn't survival all about inner strength and believing that we do not live for ourselves alone in self love and full-on selfishness? If this is so, why do we need to live amongst others, why not live right in the middle or a dessert, as a hermit and out of sight and mind of any other beings?

Right, 'chances' are that, if we are to live without a calling, nor a will and a purpose, we will truly be all haggard and burnt out before our time. Hence, leaving us high and dry without a zest for life, aimlessly seeking without understanding the powerful, full-fledged message that there's God's providence when we seek the kingdom first. Why do people seek in the first place? Because all of us are looking into fulfilling a purpose. If those who are yet to know his/her purpose in life, they are actively or even passively seeking till they find meanings and signs in life.

Yeah, yeah, we all speak about 'but we have to fend ourselves, we have bills to pay'. True, we all have bills to pay at the end of the day, and thanks to the fall of man that dates back to Adam's and Eve's days, where the garden of Eden, a.k.a. garden of providence is taken away from man forevermore.

Still, such histories, Biblically, and also of those in books of mortal beings, would have given us all an insight of how we cannot be 'free agents' to do as we will, but to till we seek until 'Thy kingdom comes as it is in heaven...' - quoted from the Lord's prayer. The only meaning to the word 'chance' by itself is to 'give a chance' for others when they have wronged us, by forgiving them with an understanding of God's mercy and grace... just as how we need God's mercy and grace for being protected and have survived to live to this day. How's that for giving chances by giving an opportunity for others to fulfill their purpose in life? People need to complete stages in their lives to move on to learn things either in tandem with current things, or to break free from the past to go on to to fulfill their purpose in life. Instead of chancing things, we put in efforts by believing that we live in God's Will. A free will that is made easier if we abide to the calling, instead of going against it and only come round after insurmountable lessons. So, are we 'still' created by chance? With all these, I'll leave them to your own thoughts.

Coping with Infidelity

2005-02-15T16:15:00.000+08:00

Introduction

The act of disloyalty, better known as 'infidelity' in a relationship is almost as old as time. Cheated spouses, partners or girl/boyfriends have learned various ways of coping with it by either leaving in inacceptance, or in acceptance by closing an eye (at times both eyes) to it. to this day, questions leading to 'why do men cheat?' are still swirling in the media, in pubs with a few hard drinks or in any daily conversations over a cup of orange-flower tea. People have almost become experts in coping with infidelity by now, only theorectically. However, in a practical sense, most are not able to maintain a cool composure when 'the act' is first discovered, unless the feelings and all acts interalia on either side are vice versa.

Ratio of cheating : Men vs. Women

Surveys show that men have 60% chances higher in cheating compared to 30% of women. In the men's answers to the subjective section, reasons given on why did they cheat is, 'they usually can't control their eyes, hands and you-know-where, or they'll just do it when the opportunity arises'. While women's answers, comparitively, they only cheat when they have a valid reason to do so i.e. being abused / neglected.

Showdown : How to cope with it when it happens to you

One of the main things to cope as a victim of a cheat is to not blame yourself for driving the person to the act. It's the cheater (C) who has a problem, not you. You must never ever give C an avenue to hurt you more than he/she has already done so.

A victim of such betrayal of trust will never be the same ever again. Ears are pricked, and the feelings of walking on eggshells are a constant downside of it. However, you should know your self worth and be able to walk away if he has shown no signs of regret, remorse, or re-whatever.

Most cheaters do not admit to them having 'wronged' you. They will try to put a 'right' to all the 'wrongs'. Some are quick with their 'sorries' and truly mean it, but some just say it to not get into more trouble and hurt they've already done unto you.

Be prepared to hear the C's favourite line, "I don't know", but continue to stay calm. If you kept seeing red and can't be calm, make sure the cheater knows that you are entitled to be hurt for being betrayed.

Perk your ears and focus on C's actions and words. Do they match? If they do not, heed the red light and that loud siren that's going off like an ambulance at the back of your head. Scoot as fast as you can. If you are the 'let's give him / her a second chance' type, make sure that you will not go on a third. Stay alert at all times as Cs have a tendency to repeat past mistakes whenever you become complacent by trusting them too much! If you can't take the pressure of being kept on your toes on such undeserving things, just pack up and go as well - there are better partners out there who'll appreciate as you.

Never, ever retaliate by hitting the C, because it only makes the cheater feels good for being 'punished' for whatever wrong. There shouldn't be any punishment administered by you, kill the C with kindness if you can do it. 'Kindness' doesn't mean that C's forgiven and being let off the hook easily.

If the C has a conscience, he / she will want to fight for you and earn your trust back. Otherwise, pack up and go - there are better things in the world than to be stuck in a rut with someone who only thinks his / her feelings, needs and desires matter AND not yours.

The Final Word

There is never a set of successful ways that'll work 100%. Though the above mentioned are amongst the few things that one must have in mind while sussing out a cheater (C). Sometimes a variety of ways are administered and I believe that not everything needs to be published here as it'll only train the C to be cleverer in manipulating and also camouflaging. Feel with your guts and be prayerful at all times.

The Provider above us all will not let anyone suffer more than what he/she can bear. God knows how much it hurts when one is a victim of betrayal / C. In reference to the Bible, Christ even went through that in regards to Judas. He knows how much it hurts us to be betrayed. No one gets away with anything without having to stand in God's judgement and wrath. The truth prevails for those who seek His face.

If Godliness is not your thing, you had better find something else that you can trustworthily fall back on. I'm kept sane in regards to the topic because I fell back on my belief in God's providence.

Faux pas

2005-02-05T21:50:00.000+08:00

Funny when you think that you are open enough to listen, and when you can't actually take it. Ever thought of those days before? The intellectual mind is great a disciphering things, unraveling mysteries, accept the unacceptable, and love the unlovable. Sometimes you think whether these have contributed to the many a Faux pas in life?

Looking back, the biggest Faux pas in my life is perhaps allowing myself to love someone whole-heartedly, and not retaining bits of me for myself. The disappointments, when they come, robs me dry, leaving me for the dead. An exaggeration? Nah... I feel and have felt that way before, and I've always picked myself up, feeling that I've changed forever, in which, I have had. Still, I dabble with being in denial over things, wanting to be there to see things to the end. How many times would I make myself go through this? For the umpteenth time, I remind myself.

I've never been the same each time I go through one of these experiences. It doesn't make me a better person in some ways, but in some ways, it trained me to be more hardy and resilient. Bad and good habits I'd pick along the way, some decremental to my own health. Speaking of health, today marks the day that I'm back to my old temptations in life - the love for cigarettes. I wanted it like I never did before. The rush of nicotine to the head, the smell of burning tobacco, a bitter-sweet taste that lingers and gives a bad, bad taste to my tongue and breath. Somehow, in spite of it's negativeness, it helps numb my senses a little bit, makes the ugly truth appear a little prettier, audibly and visibly - it's all in the game of denial.

It's a familiar game, so familiar that it burns an acidic hole at the pit of my stomach, and erodes a little bit of the sturdy wall of my heart. Why I withstand all these, I'm amazed. All in the name of love? Stupid? Perhaps? strange, isn't it?

I've been pondering the whole day today, though I had a good time learning new things in life, the joys of snowboarding, and a little sharing on cultures, amongst the little loves in my life. I now think to myself, especially at this time of the night, when I'm supposed to be in deep sleep - contemplating on how life's going to be like when I'm back in Malaysia? I wish at this moment, though I may regret saying this one day - that I never knew love and it's play of chemistry. Perhaps in the absence of all these, life would be a little easier for me. I see my sister, and many other friends having the time of their lives living without what I have experienced.

Perhaps it's better for me to know it afterall, to never want to see and feel it again, as it's the end of wondering what it could do for me. It has done nothing long-lastingly good, in my opinion. It's mayhaps, time that I completely close a door to it. There are better things to do in life, rather than to love a man whole-heartedly. The heart deserves a better treatment than going through all these... and somehow, I know he'll woo me back - but how many times can I be wooed back? Again, I wonder how long the joy will sustain, and how painful would the transitory periods be when I have to wait for his decisions again? If I give this another chance, will it be another Faux pas?

Contemplating a moment of Greek Madness

2005-02-02T01:23:00.000+08:00

Winter in Greece numbs and quickens this head of mine,
A drunken love like this makes everything seems so fine,
Warm and passionate sensations drives me out of line,
Such diversity, yet everything tastes sweeter than wine.

Different time zones keep me in a drunken daze,
This must give joy to the devil in creating a maze,
Pleasing actions and words sets my passion ablaze,
Rose-tinted lenses in my irises, in awe, I gaze.

Unspoken love shared whenever our lips and eyes meet,
Embracings, passionate as always, lingering, never a-fleet,
Like a little woman, I'm at home on Periandou street,
Awaiting his homecoming, I impatiently shuffled my feet.

Silent, idle mind! The devil's shifting my thoughts in fleets,
Flashbacks a-plenty on moments between the sheets,
Womanly needs shaming me, tainting my cheeks red as beets,
Still, in manly amusement and acceptance he hessitantly greets.

Besides these, sense and sensibilities seep into my mind,
Prying my eyes open to little things he and I may find,
Literacies of times shared, carnally, we naturally fit and bind,
A union entwining spiritual & sinful pleasures - a deception of a kind?

Thoughts flipping back and forth to December 2004, oh dear,
Hurts a-plenty, unforgotten but forgiven, are crystal-clear,
Patience is God bestowed, still, it's the betrayal of trust I fear,
My non-existence echoes in this apartment, my heart and eyes tear.

Clarification to her is absent, as evidence of me can't be revealed,
Wordy assurances a-plenty, but why my presence to her, concealed?
Bridges he shall burn not, a safety net to not have his fate sealed?
His words of love seem true, or just salve to my heart to be healed?

Are those the same sheets she has laid on while calling his name?
In throes of passion, he numbly finds me and her all the same?
Love and lust - does he have moral values and not burn in shame?
Who he is? What is he? I now know not, afterall, he is not that tame.

Secrets he keep, neither Romanians nor Malaysians can understand,
Parents alike find this mind-boggling, and they too, cannot stand,
His choice to be indecisive make our minds constrict and expand,
Decisions he makes must be his own, and not for others to command?

Of commitment he speaks, they are all 'in the air' and yet to be seen?
Promising as it seems, the actions can't match as should have been,
'We're similar' - but no that's not true, we're even different on screen,
Excuses a-plenty, his habitual ways, or something else in between?

Bedpartners, aside fornications are always consensual,
Galling excuses given, as there's none for intimacy to be sensual,
Something is wrong somewhere if this is looked upon as casual,
'As it is' is often phrased, I'm expected to accept it's his way, as usual.

I must be an idiot to swallow this down and be forgiving,
I don't need such abusive treatment, my sanity needs saving,
Acquaintanceship, but bedpartners? There must be some craving,
Behind my back, between the sheets yonder, they have been loving.

If this continues on, it's a dead end and will never bring happiness,
On the fence, he'll perch, his comfort zone, or just Greek madness?
Beats me why I'm longing for him in his height of selfishness,
The more strength I must draw now, to find solace in loneliness.

When I go, hurt may engulf him, but he'll heal and be in denial,
Romanian there, will still have roles in his life-sized TV serial,
I go uncommunicatively, unpicked calls, still, I know he will redial,
Too late, my disappointments are real, not as he thought as trivial.

A fool I must be, in believing this is ever a love of a lifetime,
My heart, still bleeds at the same spot, even pickled in lime,
Sooner or later, all emotions will lose it's meaning over time,
'Wake up', I say, 'He's probably not worthy of my dime'.

At last, face-to-face we're here, diplomacy kept the peace on-going,
Unsolved past bounced like tennis balls across the court - *boing*,
Surety in a nanosecond, but eyes reflect uncertainties - he is nano-ing,
It's in the expense of my time, leisurely drifting, not swiftly canoeing.

With ears sharper than a hare's, all kinds of signals I receive,
Like a hawk, my trained eyes are ever-ready to perceive,
Though in fear I dread, I still purge all suspicions I may conceive,
My prayers rhymes in melancholy, in faith his love is to not deceive.

All histories of his dastard behaviours towards me, I will forgive,
My forgiveness spurred an "I'm lucky" response, and not of repentive,
Of Catholic faith he practices, I'm in denial that he is not manipulative,
God's blessings I trust, time will tell in His wisdom and strength in me.

I'm here in flesh and blood, everything settles 'ok' - momentarily?
Silly me, perhaps my presence satisfies and satiates temporarily,
When I fly home, off to Romania he may hop, indeed, quite merrily,
He'll justify and say, "you're too faraway", quite satisfactorily.

'Fool, fool, fool, you've seen this before', I repeat monotonously,
A king of proscastinators that he is, sadly, always, continuously,
A dreamer like him, has no love in return, don't hold him tenaciously,
'Walk away like you did to others before him, walk away graciously'.

So much of contemplating that I am going through, I want a closure,
Not that Greece is displeasuring, but it's madness gives 'no pleasure',
Sadly, two women sits on each side of a scale - what's there to measure?
Both looks at the man, who is in denial which of us is his treasure.

I'm here for love, the only priority of why I gave this a chance,
He knows it, but still thinks himself lucky of my second glance,
When I look intently at him and question, like a horse, he'll prance,
Still, strangely enough, our chemistry still keeps us both in a trance.

Still, in fervent prayers I cite, fending off the evil one's experiments,
Only God's protection, insanity is at bay, removing deceptive torments,
Prayers of relinquishment we commit, "God, guide all our movements",
In faith, this Greek madness must depart in God's timely moments.

The Phantom of the Opera

2005-01-12T23:50:00.000+08:00

Watching The Phantom of the Opera reminded me of my days of piano and singing with my sister. Talking about the movie, I don't think it is a let down as said in this review.

My eyes and ears were first opened to Musicals at the age of 15. My dear sister, Agnes, would play the piano, while I'd sing - what a pair! Yes, that was way back in 1986 when Agnes, at the age of 21, was back for the summer break of '86 from her 2nd year at Queen's University, Belfast. She brought back almost all of the London musical cassettes home, plus the piano music.
Even ages ago, I remember telling my sister that I'd drop Raoul for the Phantom if I was Christine Daae, haha! Because the Phantom isn't a fearful creature, you basically pity him more than anyone or anything else for that matter! In my opinion, the Phantom needed Christine in his life more than Raoul. Yeah, forget about the bits that the phantom is a murderer and also a little insane. Who cares? He did it for the love of Christine! Ok, I'm probably half mad myself, and a silly impractical romantic, so? We all make choices to be with someone and be a little bias by closing an eye on his/her imperfections, don't we all? Little intensed selves like my family and I, plus a few kindred-spirited friends would agree to this impracticality, because it makes sense to us. However, each to their own, aye?

Right, my choice in preferring to be with the phantom to Raoul was reaffirmed when I got a chance to watch the London cast for the first time with Valerie in the summer of 1996 (was having a little break away from the Americans). So much for teenaged thoughts, it got carried over into my 20s. Now, 9 years later from the bright-eyed-still-naive-20s, I'm still having the same thought after watching the movie tonight. Surprise, surprise, how little things have changed, even 18-19 years later on!

In my reflection of this, it's no longer surprising how unwavering and wavering people can be in choices they make. It all boils down to choices of the individual self, to decide or not to decide. In not deciding, is a decision to 'not to decide'. There you go! So, words like 'I don't know' has an underlying fact that the party who says this just don't want others to know what's in his / her mind.

Or rather, allowing oneself to be influenced, and even allowing things to take place in time to come... Take for example (I can only speak for myself), between the ages of 15 to now, I see my graph of wavering and unwavering faith in God - steeply up and down, and some constant lines, a graph of faith plotted against age. I don't think I'm especially different from anyone else out there... don't we all have our wavering and unwavering bits in life? Yes, imperfect faith that we all have.

Just by looking at the Phantom, in all his physical distortion, It truly shows that it takes a lifetime to build faith, and a moment to stagger it. Likewise, this applies to my relationships, regardless of those in phileo or eros terms, my eyes have risen and fallen on people, and likewise, I believe some may view me of the same too. People change, I suppose, but 'not that much'... and some underlying things that may disappoint, and expectations slapped on where it veers off from what we'd like to accept or not accept.

At the end of the day, why slap on expectations on others? It's only human nature to do so. Expectations that are not met sometimes puts us in a queasy position, and to the brink of disappointment, or acute devastation... so, in a way, we become judgemental (in a way). In relation to the Phantom, he's painted to be a blackguard, but hey, let's give the poor fellow a chance to proof himself that he's not beyond redemption! Afterall, we all do have a tiny bit of the Phantom in us - a need to be accepted.

The Papaya Tree

2005-01-09T02:06:00.000+08:00

I opened my kitchen windows today and was shocked at how close to the kitchen a papaya tree has grown at the little patch of soil I have for my screwpine leaves. It's a healthy looking tree, and it has begun to bear fruits.

I don't know how fast these trees grow, but it's interesting to see it, it's beautiful! Truth is, I have no idea how the papaya seed got there in the first place. No one throws things out of the window from my kitchen, and it's definitely too far off for the neighbours to randomly chuck a seed over to my house! Must be some tropical little bird that carries seeds have dropped it there? An Asianised form adapted from the Biblical one: "A dove carrying an olive branch".

Anyway, I stood at the sink, looking out of the window in awe, and wondered. I was thinking how hardy and resilient papaya seeds are, being able to survive in that little patch of soil. Somehow, that sad sod of soil could still help the tree to flourish, let alone struggled under the extreme weather ranging from rainy to dry spells over the weeks and months. It takes looking at things like that with my naked eyes to believe that bit of soil and moody weather could help a papaya tree to grow and bear fruits!

This made me think of our lives. Like the healthy-looking & fruit-bearing papaya tree outside my kitchen in spite of the hard environment, it still grew! From this, it reminded me how we all grow from trials, and how we can wilt and dry up because of them. We can be inspired to consider facing our trials with joy by trusting and having faith in God. The testing of our faith certainly develops perseverance and maturity.

As we trust God in all the trials we go through, even when we cannot comprehend 'why?'... His ever-flowing divine providence gives us strength to face trials. Facing trials and overcoming them prepare us for better lives in future, and be better persons. Isn't that something beautiful?

Discerning the Season

2005-01-07T11:16:00.000+08:00

Timing in our layman's eyes are very different to those of God's. A thousand years to God is like a year to us, while a year is like a thousand years to God - in short, God is Timeless. This is clearly stated in the 'End days' article by J. David Hoke, which he based it on 1 Peter. In all God's mercy and grace, He has given us insurmountable undeserving blessings that sometimes our laymen's hearts still end up grumbling and demanding with impatience of wanting more in life in wanting more or less time based on our selfish needs.

Yes, there's a season for everything. The discernment of season for things around us incorporates God's divine wisdom - His Timing that is according to His Will for us. For the rebellious, such 'control / discipline' in submitting to God is unheard of. It's sad that the realisation only comes in after many painful trials that corners them to a tiny spot. Though there are moments where they do succeed, but by suffering and going through a longer route to where and what that is good for them at the right time and place.

What we gain through impatience means that we are running with the flood of dissipation (wastefulness). 'The flood' here is defined as us following a worldly crowd which is acceptable by the world, but not in a Godly manner. You can read more about this in the link 'Serving God in the Last Days' (1 Peter 4), in which I will point to again in a later paragraph of this blog.

God's timing is administered with love, and basically, it's a timing given to us when we are 'ready' to receive, give or to participate. A readiness that is of maturity of understanding, wisdom of acceptance, and not forgetting, a well-thought kind response for solving whatever situation we may be in. Hence, being impatient usually entails wanting more at a shorter time, or rather, wanting a longer time to get more as well. Many are being prideful of with false prophesies of discerning God's Timing by being righteously selfish to serve oneself instead of waiing for God's timing. Such disobedience and lack of discipline will only add on more milestones to our already worldly and burdened life.

In times of trouble, we usually press on to solve things in our flawed human ways - the curse of impatience. Only when we find that we are stuck and completely lose hope, we'd turn to God. We naturally want to use our heads and jump into the problem whenever we can, humanely, without being prayerful about it. Falling into the grips of depending on ourselves are not uncommon. Everywhere we go, we hear and see such cases, where one had drained all his/her energy, emotions, and all other resources, and still feel frustrated that the problem is taking a time too long to solve or not solved at all!

Being prayerful at times of such to receive God's wisdom and His timely solution has to be applied, but we are flawed. We would start to only pray when we find ourselves in a fix. Wouldn't it be wise of us to walk closely with God at all times and give it to God to accompany us in walking through the wilderness? The Psalmists are experts at advising this as they are wise. They said God is "a refuge in times of trouble" (Psalms 9:9), and true enough we should never be overcome by the enemy who is always scheming and plotting by pulling us down at all times, and lie to us, making us feel like failures instead of victors through patience. We fear all such failures, in fact, any failure in life. I chewed and munched over a part of the following scripture, partially taken from Joshua 1: 9, "... Do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go". I am given the confidence, an assurance, that He will not abandon us at times of trouble.

Still, we are to be reminded that by giving, sharing and asking for God's guidance would require us to submit in obedience, in waiting for God's timing. Thus, the fellowship of man is to keep the fire burning, in reminding, and in communion. That's where the importance of not missing a Sunday service, a prayer meeting, a Bible study is all about. Humans that we are, and our flesh is always weak unless we are willing for God to constantly monitor us. We'll soon find that we acquire a 'cheerful endurance' without grumbling, as in having the patience to wait for His timing.

Our obedience and discipline are equally important in learning how to listen to God's Timing as well. It's a discernment from Sovereign, a blessing in the form of divine wisdom. It's free, it's via Salvation, which is a gift to those who choose to walk closely with the Lord. It's not always measured by the world's standards though, and our flesh are always trying to lean towards the worldly ways making most of our Christian lives lukewarm. It's stated in 'Serving God in the Last Days' (1 Peter 4), that we have to have the attitude of having full commitment to God in all that pleases Him. Having one leg in the church and another in the worldly ways will still lead us to the second death. Our eyes, once opened to the experience God, and to whatever that is or not sinful, will always stay open. The seed is sown. To go against this, we will subject ourselves to being judged at the end of the day in the presence of God and bear the full brunt of God's wrath. It's a simple choice, do we want to suffer the second death after our earthly bodies pass away? I'll leave the question to you. To gain eternal life and claim God's promises is to live in the Will of God. Through Christ's death on the cross, our sins are washed away. God's grace and mercy continuously give us time to repent for our sins. Repetitive sins after numerous repentance, would only mean that we are taking God's grace and mercy for fun. In our obedience and our willingness to be disciplined, He will also reward us, and make us better persons for the morrow throughout and in His Timing. If it's not in this world's timing, it will be in the heavens, in God's Timing.

Sometimes love just ain't enough

2005-01-06T23:09:00.000+08:00

A million times or more I've read, heard and seen this. In my younger days, when the Patti Smith & Don Henley song was aired in the early 90s, I was still too naive and idealistic to understand this.

The meaning of love to me was always about liberating the soul, deep and passionate feelings that will never sway you to look elsewhere. I never swayed, but I always have to make the choice to walk and never turn back. I went by this as in the parable of Lot's wife in the Bible, who turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back into the city that God asked both herself and Lot to leave.

Over the past 10 years, love has proven to me that it is so intangible, so treacherous in spite of it's enticing promise of fulfillment of a lifetime. The emotions that not only surrounds it, but entails it - the joy, the hurt, the anger, the dissapointments. Love hurts. Hurts so deep that no words could describe.

Then again, love is so joyful when it comes into your life, and so painful when it threatens your life. You just want to save yourself before it hits you too hard, before your sanity gives way and leave you completely changed for life. Trials of love are said to be good, but I cannot comprehend what good will this one brings because the hurt can be so unbearable.

I still cannot see how some of my girlfriends settle for second best, but theorectically, I now understand it. Though I cannot live like they did, because their priority is to marry before their time pass them by. I am not needy enough to marry for such reasons. I will only marry until I have found a true, passionate love. Somehow, this is being idealistic. I did think I have found it. I felt it, but what went wrong?

Let me tell you a story of a friend who lives in Bandar Utama, who is also Winnie's close friend. Her name is Mable. Now, Mable would call women like Winnie and me 'stupid', because we are, in a way. We refuse to go out with men that we do not feel much for, we will not stop for any man that we don't have chemistry with. We hardly feel any chemistry, but once we feel it, we are drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

Anyway, here is Mable's story, and how she was once like Winnie and I, but she changed over the years as having 'sobered up' as she has said. Mable left her Thai boyfriend of 10 years whom she will always love. She is now 3 months' pregnant and married to a Korean and living in the States. The Korean husband loves her more than she does, but still she's really happy because she knows she will never be disappointed again.

Mable met her Thai boyfriend during her university days, they had all the chemistry in the world, the love was true, but he was always pessimistic, a worry wart - basically weak. He didn't want to come to Malaysia to work, and when Mable wanted to sacrifice to go to Thailand to work and be with him, he would be negative about it and said that she'll never find a job there. She asked him 'Where do you want to go? We have to make this work somehow or rather because we will never find a love like ours with anyone else!' The Thai boyfriend agreed, and said, 'San Francisco, darling - let's go there'. Mable packed her bags, and got herself a job in San Fran. For 3 long, lonely years she waited for him there. Though there were many suitors, who are hot and bothered over Mable, but she always said 'no'... She continued her vigil in waiting. The Thai boyfriend never showed up, forever procastinating. They travelled to and fro, wasted time and money. He still couldn't decide when to go over. Mable finally gave up, and completely broken-hearted, she made a drastic move - moved to another place, changed her contact details and went on to a new job in San Fran. Soon, she started a new life, she gave in to a Korean friend whom she met in San Fran a couple of years' back. It was perfect, he could nurse her broken heart, and is completely crazy over her all along. He proposed, she accepted.

With the recent Tsunami catastrophe, Mable spoke to Winnie, "I am worried sick of my ex-boyfriend. I don't know if he is alive or dead. I still dream of him every night, because he is the only love that I have in my heart. I will always love him, but on the other hand, I am now already married and is a mother-to-be. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I forced myself to eat for the sake of my baby." Winnie said to her, "Then, give him a call". Mable said, "No, sometimes it's better to love someone from afar than to be nearby". How sad!

Both Winnie and I were red-eyed with unshed tears upon hearing this. We are so frightened of being like Mable. We don't want to be like Mable, it'll be our worst nightmare. Though we love Mable and respect her thinking and her choices. But, we'd rather stay single all our lives than to settle for second bests like Mable did. It's like cheating when you lie in bed thinking of someone else. It's like having a foreign body in you when you are expecting a baby of someone that you do not love.

But what can one do, when the love of a lifetime couldn't decide? Both Winnie and I are going through the same dilemma, chasing our own tails, loving our own men who are flawed the same way as Mable's ex. I do not want to be with another man ever in my life again when this doesn't work out. This is my last stop, I will press on to other things, channel all my love and energy into more tangible things. I will need to work really hard, and be a battle axe with a hardy shell so that I will save up enough money for my future, and be able to pay for a good a nursing home when I can no longer take care of myself.

For the past month, I've been a walking corpse. I turned to God, big time. Praying 4-5 times a day, breaking down each time, doesn't matter where I was - in the office, at home, in the gym, in public. I'm at the brink of going insane, I fought very hard not to. I am happy one moment, and then I find myself crying the next moment, and then laughing again. I'd be in meetings, and all of a sudden I'd start crying, and I have to lie to my colleagues that something got into my eyes and I have to wash it out. I kept pretending. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm not in the right frame of mind. How painful to go through this.

I've been singing the Patti Smith & Don Henley song the whole day, it's been playing in my head after I put down the phone tonight with him... I have had a painful trash out with him. I had to get if of my chest, because I have to let him know. I wouldn't let him know if I don't love him. I need him to decide for himself, and not out of guilt for me or for the other girl. The words coming out of my mouth, hurts me as I said them, and I think, it had hurt him too. If he has a heart, he will do the right thing in coming out clean. All the pretty words he said, love and all that stuff, it couldn't tally with his actions. I kept seeing the images of the American boys who tried to ask me out when I was at the university, I couldn't trust them an inch, because I know that they just wanted sex and experience an Asian girl. It scares me whenever I see this, I've always been sensitive towards such things, but how could I miss this one? It was so painful to start drawing such comparisons, that I have to give an ultimatum. An ultimatum that will at least, help him to be responsible for himself. At least, a salvation earned for him having done some good in his life. At least...

I gave him 7 days to decide, it'll be the longest 7 days of my life. But I'm willing to take the risk, because I have to get back to being normal. I hope he understands. Yet, I'm still praying for blessings for him and the other girl. Whenever I pray, I'd cry like a baby, because I'm so tempted to be unforgiving and bitter, but I know that I mustn't and I must see past this and be filled with grace and mercy for everything, as God is as filled with grace and mercy for the little flawed me.

So torn is my heart, and such a painful trial to go through. I too, prayed and is still praying to God for me to trust my beau like I used to, but he has yet to give me reasons to trust him. I still love him, and I don't know why God is not taking it away from me if he is not to be the one for me. I don't know what good it'll come out of this love of mine that will possibly be crushed in time to come. I suppose I'll only comprehend in God's good timing, and being prayerful at all times seems to be the only consolation and solace to my soul.

There comes a time in life, like mine now, when you know that words are not enough. You want to see the actions in place, you want some form of commitment. It's not pressing for marriage, nor is it about impatience or about the lacking of perseverance. It's about being fair, being considerate and being long sighted. Where does one go when one realises that sometimes love just ain't enough? I'll leave you now with this Patti Smith & Don Henley song, whoever who reads this blog, I hope you will pray for me:

Now, I don't want to lose you,
but I don't want to use you,
just to have somebody by my side.

And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you,
but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

(Chorus) But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.

Yes, I may have hurt you,
but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

(Chorus)And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough. Oh, Oh, Oh, No

Unwanted Burdens

2005-01-06T14:20:00.000+08:00

We all want to be free from burdens, because being burden-free is the epitome of happiness. I've yet to hear anyone who'd say 'no' to happiness and eagerly say 'yes' to receiving more unwanted burdens. These days, we just can't live in an ideal little world through our flawed eyes. In fact, there's nothing that strictly goes by the book, except for those in the scriptures.

Living in this world, nothing is tangible, unless we make it so by believing and putting in effort and commitments to see things through the thick and thin. Some believe in God, while some depend on the self to alleviate themselves from more worries generated from their burdens. Those who believe God as their companion in sharing their burden walk a more satisfactory route (though no easier route) in going through their doldrums in life, while the Godless, find themselves exhausted and 'humans' afterall - flawed, depleted of strength... and so forth. Which one are you?

With the realisation of Godliness or Godlessness in life, comes responsibilities of different magnitudes... all entails patience and routes of impatience that gives our lives interesting steep and shallow uphill and downhill lines, if plotted in a graph. Likewise, burdens that we have, big, medium or small, do overlap or run alongside each other. To complicate things more, there are lots of other variables that gets latch onto these lines i.e. family, friends, love life, and work. It becomes a bigger burden in our already-complicated human lives. It calls for a form of burden management. A reformation that involves a type of management that will not run us down spiritually, physically or mentally. My recommendation is seek God, but hey, not everyone's like me (though I hope that many would be able to experience God).

In life, we are never exempted from our fair share of guilts, obligations, depravations and also satisfactions of different forms, sizes and numbers - with Godliness or Godlessness alike. I'll term the concoction of 'guilts, obligations, depravations and dissatisfactions' as a drug. It is an inhibitor to allowing one in living a full life. The fact is that, it's a drug that only our individual selves could control... the amount of doses in it.

Most of us are constantly high on this drug. We are almost experts at using as a driving force to live life battling from it's addiction while contradicting ourselves that we are on our way to achieve more happiness. By taking little diversions here and there, as in lessening the dose, in hope to take our worries off our minds. But it doesn't go away, we have too much unwanted burdens, we just have to learn how to manage it.

Likewise, as many unwanted burdens we have in our lives, we also have many undeserved blessings. Yes, you heard the word - BLESSINGS, and undeserving at that too. A form of burden managing is to realise and learn to see how blessed we are! I'm talking about little blessings in life, such as having enough basics in life, the providence that yields to our survival to this day i.e. food, shelter, help received when we needed them (even simplistic help such as someone sharing your burden of carrying your groceries to the house / apartment). You know, little things are little blessings in life as well. All these are easily overlooked, and could be discounted as blessings because we choose to discount it and choose to take it for granted. Hence, behind all our unwanted burdens, we do have a million and one undeserving blessings. So why grumble? Think about that.

Another form of management is to perceive that all burdens have it's learning curves. Yes, there are lessons in life, a refining process. Nothing is chanced and cursed to be a futile 'happening' that yields to a total waste of time and wasted emotions. Acquiring acceptance and having a new perception over such things would only mean that we need to manage our bank of forgiveness too. Forgiveness applied unto ourselves and others without forgetting the lessons learned from the past, so that we could press on to be better persons and lead a happier and contented life. I'm a strong advocate for this... that lessons that are not learned from the past, imperils the current and the future life.

Though other stories of burden involves discontentment of one's financial position. Though discontentment drives many to be more wealthy, but not necessarily a smooth road to happiness. The thirst for 'finding more money' comes with addiction for the love of money, hence a loss of meaning in sustaining, let alone, achieving a fullfilled life. An empty vessel filled with the thought of having lots of money does not quench the thirst and hunger in humans, because when we die, we can't take worldly materials away with us. Even by knowing this, a majority of the world still grumble...

While some of the poor, the mediocre, and the upper-middle class are envious of the rich and famous, but what good would all that money bring? Look around the world, see how happy the rich are, you gauge and reason for yourself. Let's name a few... Christina Onassis took her own life because she was so unhappy with her position in life in spite of being a tycoon, money still couldn't buy her happiness... Princess Di, who died while in the progress of chasing true love and happiness all her life in spite of having all the money and fame in the world, and Barbara Hutton and many more that I can name. They too, are like us laymen out there, in having our own burdens. Money could not buy them happiness but only all that glitters and all that fame, but left their soul dry.Both the rich and poor have their burdens in life that weighs them down with responsibilities, if not, obligations of equivalent magnitude. Different sets of responsibilities and obligations for different individuals at that for people of different positions, ethnicities and levels of life.

There's no such thing as one having a bigger burden than the other. If we could empty our pockets of burdens into a weighing scale, they all weigh the same from one person to the next. They are all of the same magnitude, though it's of a different burden of different areas that is specific to our individual lives. So grumbling could be a form of pride in 'I'm handling bigger problems than you, so don't grumble about yours... ' Even grumbling has a rat race of it's own - a competitiveness in it's own world.

It's good that most are able to acknowledge that they are burdened, and are able to grumble and complain as an initial step to find salvation. Somehow, airing it out may work as an outlet, but it still doesn't allow the feel-good-endorphins to kick in. Maybe it's just temporary relief that some seeks. Afterall, the burdened views grumbling is allowed by grumbling aloud. Grumbling about things could probably alleviate some of their burden, temporarily, but it's a placebo, it still doesn't take away the negative toxin planted in the head.

Grumbles all stem from unwanted burdens in life. Such burdens come in different forms and sizes and directions, making us question again and again, "Why me?". The questions can never be answered, it leaves a sad echo trailing off into the space yonder. Somehow, it magnifies the burden into an unbelieveable size. Of course, we have people who are completely from the other end of the stick - those who are in denial. Nevertheless, those in denial are no happier than those who acknowledge that they have burdens. Those in denial are only able to mask the weight of their burden, for how long, only the individual knows. Yet, they prefer to suffer in silence when they are alone, in their quiet times - leaving the body weak and the soul dry.

Every single day, I hear people grumbling. Even walking past unknown strangers in malls or in some walkway, I hear them. Maybe Malaysians are born with the grumbling gene woven in the innocent-looking XX or XY chromosomes... as I hear less of it when I was travelling in other countries. Or perhaps it's an international thing or just plain coincidental? Aren't people the same everywhere? Anyway, I'd zip past people, and due to my high empathy level, my antennas usually pick up things along the way most of the time. I'd catch on to a sentence of two which entails either the tail-end or the midst of a complaint / grumble of some kind much more than those that has to do with joy or neutral things.

The negativity amongst people is astounding. People are always unhappy with their positions in life, leaving them sullen, laden with worries of all sorts. In most cases, giving them slouches, frowns, poor health, depression... even making them drag their feet to wherever they go. The embittered and depressed demeanor is so unattractive and unpersonable! I always believe that the negative would draw more negative... and they sometimes latch on to the positive and suck it dry with overwhelming doses of negativity. It's a recruit. They unconsciously form a community of depressed people, a grumbling communion, a mass that would understand their drowning of sorrows. Who can help them? No other ones but themselves. Even the urge to pray comes from within, the need to seek help too, comes from deep down in the heart.

Like the old saying, there's a silver lining in every cloud, that is how we should generate positiveness. By drawing on such beliefs, we will have renewed perception of things, our worries and our 'old negative selves' will pass away. There's a negative and positive button built closely next to each other in all of us. We should learn to press the positive one, eventhough we're going through the doldrums of life. A positive mind frame will help us look for drippings of grace and mercy amidst our burdens in life, giving us hope for a relief soon. So, try turning your grumbles into praises, you will know what I mean. With a little perseverance and patience, you will see that over time, you are actually living a full life filled with many underserving blessings amidst the unwanted burdens!

-10, 0, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50...

2005-01-05T14:47:00.000+08:00

Let me begin this by saying, "I have noticed that there are significant similarities between those who are younger or older than me by the years of -10, 0, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50. The natural affinity is instant! These are the people that I have grown terribly fond of over minutes, hours, days and months... even years. They know what I think even when there are a few words shared, we are a tiny bit telepathic... they understand my analogies, they see what I see... I know I'll keep them in my heart for life... my kindred spirits.

-10 = Angeline and Doreen, whom I see bits and parts of me in them eventhough they are 23, so free of trouble, so care-free.

0 = Valerie and Mag, who are so similar to me that we could be long lost triplets separated by birth. We laugh, and cry, and are just so God-to-honest to each other. There's no shame, no shame at all, we are not bothered what the world wants to make of us.

10 = Zorah and Andrina, whom I could see myself being just like them when I'm 43, never losing track of what's going on around me, but stay calm and collected all the time.

20 = Dr. Nor and Dr. Nafsiah, I could see myself being just like them when I'm 53, never losing the girlie gait and the ocassional giggle, but could still be military-styled strict and serious when it comes to work.

30 = There's no one that I know who is in this category

40 = Aunt Pauline, I could see myself being just like her when I'm 73, so collected and calm. So easy going and love life to the fullest.

50 = Uncle Kassim (Zorah's Dad) & Ungku Aziz, I could see myself like them, still standing up strong and wise, still passionate about what I believe in at 83.

It's strange that I could identify even from now... i could see myself being that way. Weird is the word, as those who fall short or above the above mentioned numbers, I do not seem to have natural affinities with them, nor a hint of like-mindedness.

This makes me wonder, what kind of trials will I need to go through this year, when I'm 33 going to 34. In most surveys, formal or informal, the age group categorised as different thoughts and ideas comes in the range of 18-25, 26-34 and so forth. I'm going to be in the 'last' age of that one category. I shall wait patiently and continue to look out for the drippings of grace and joy in whatever situation I may be in. I shall toast to all my kindred spirits tonight, and say a little prayer for all of them.

Goodbye Uncle Charlie

2005-01-04T16:17:00.000+08:00

At the breakfast table on New Year's morning, between chewing my oats, I said to Papa, "Let's make a call to Uncle Charlie - we've not spoken to him since my graduation!" My Papa, in his stubborn old thinking, refused again and again, saying that it's too expensive to make international calls. For some reason, Papa is still stuck in a time warp of expensive international phonecalls overseas, eventhough I showed him proof of netphone cards in the denominations of 20 Ringgits for an air time of 2 hours to America. However, I relentlessly coaxed him to just do it.

Finally, after he has finished his breakfast, he went up to the bedroom, and brought down his little wrinkled-up address book. It's the same address book that I gave him 20 years ago for his birthday present. Papa opened the fragile looking address book, and pointed the number to me. I dialed and listened for the ringing tone, and passed it to Papa when the dialing tone came through. Papa looked eager, like a small child concentrating on a lollipop... 100% concentration, and the seconds tick slowly ... it felt like forever. Then he started speaking on the phone, in an introductory way as in who he is, and why he is calling, the other house phone began to ring. It was my sister, calling all the way from London to wish us a Happy New Year, and her big announcement of inviting Valerie (my childhood friend to stay over in London for 2 days).

From my line of vision while I was talking to Agnes, I could see Papa's brows knitted in a row. There was a strange confusion going on as Papa looked more distressed as the seconds went by, and I just had to hang up my call on Agnes and Valerie so that I could attend to Papa's distressed look. I quickly took over the phone conversation, and asked for Uncle Charlie. Ok, he's not there... so, I asked for Michael, Uncle Charlie's only child... and it is Michael, my cousin, that I was speaking to at that moment, but I couldn't recognise his voice! I felt awkward, and began the conversation with the usual 'How are you' bla bla bla... and asked Michael whether he still remembers me! Well, of course he does... he doesn't get visitors from Malaysia very often. Only then, bit by bit, the story unfolded, and we found out that Uncle Charlie has passed away minutes to my 33rd birthday last year. Michael said he kept repeating that to Papa, but he couldn't seem to hear it, but why is Papa seated so still beside me with a faraway look in his eyes? He must have understood it. I think Papa heard it, but he just couldn't accept it. Papa started to shed silent tears. He has lost his cousin, and it's symbolic to Papa since it's the first closely-related Yong in his generation to have passed away.

I continued speaking to Michael for a long time, while Papa sat quietly with tears rolling down his cheeks... he seemed to have grown so old and shrunken... broke my heart.... I was too in that condition, but still, I was happy to have found out that Michael has finally married Diane, and together, they have 3-year-old twins and a bouncing baby boy of 15 months. The conversation went on, and I repeated all the bits of what Michael said so that Papa could be part of the conversation. The accounts how how Uncle Charlie passed on and so forth. It was a premature death. So unexpected, and so painful. A stroke after a freak accident that left Uncle Charlie paralysed and completely lost his voice, and a 1.5 years bounded to the wheel chair, and finally, he joined the Lord at the second stroke on 30th March 2004. It hurt both Papa and I to hear this, because we know how lively Uncle Charlie is, and he is so up and going and independent... and so handsome! Surely, he has suffered a great deal and didn't want to live anymore when he was bounded to the wheelchair.

At the end of my call to Michael, I asked for the phone numbers of Uncle Patrick, Uncle Franklin, Aunt Julia, Aunt Pauline and Aunt Grace - all of Uncle Charlie's siblings. All these names that I've heard while growing up, but my memory of them were of a family picture taken in 1937. The year that Grand Uncle's family made their last visit to Malaysia before they headed off to Shanghai again, and later years to escape communist China by migrating to America. I remember Grandpa talking fondly about them, as he was the only one actively writing to Grand uncle in America. The update of news soon died out when Granduncle passed away in 1977, leaving an ocassional letter or two, annually from Grandaunt. When Grandaunt couldn't write anymore in her later years, the sporadic writing of letters were left to Uncle Charlie, who is the youngest son.

I've never seen any of their faces, except for Uncle Charlie back in December 1996. While Papa has not seen them since 1937, but also met up with Uncle Charlie with me in 1996. It was only Uncle Charlie that Papa was close to, or rather could relate to after 1937, as they were about the same age.

I remember Uncle Charlie very well, because as a student in the States, I used to call him, and we had a rapour which is unlike the ordinary. We have never met, yet we had so much in common and he would be so jovial and funny, making feel like a child, and I'd burst into peals of laughter. I knew what he looked like from the old pictures, and I could see Uncle Charlie in my mind, an older version from that in the picture.

When we finally met during my graduation in 1996, everything fell so nicely into place. My parents, Agnes, Uncle Min & Aunt Nyuk from Canada were there too, and we had a great reunion, and promised that we'll meet up and talk to each other soon. Now 8 years has passed, all of us were too busy with our own lives to make to contacts.

To find out that we are 9 months' too late, it tore our hearts out. I called Uncle Patrick after saying my goodbyes on the phone to Michael. I spoke to Uncle Patrick, introducing myself, telling him why I am calling... and then passed the phone to Papa to speak to Uncle Patrick, and Papa took a deep breath, and tears started to stream down his face, and he could not even speak till seconds later, "Patrick Ko, I am so sad that Charlie Ko passed away" (Ko is a Hakkha word to address a brother who is older than us). I could hear Uncle Patrick's voice cracked when he said he remembered Papa... and then he too, was sobbing. They spoke for a long time, and it was amazing... blood is really thicker than water... 67 years' gap was bridged at that instance between Papa and Uncle Patrick. Uncle Patrick's a Scientist, and he's still working at the age of 76.

After the call to Uncle Patrick, I tried to call Aunt Julia and Uncle Franklin, but I only managed to leave a message in their answering machine. However, I managed to get hold of Aunt Pauline. I did my introductory bits again, and let Papa take over the conversation for a while. Soon, Papa ran out of things to say because she's an aunt! *Sigh* the men in my family are strange... even at times of such! So I took over, and spoke to Aunt Pauline for 2 hours! We hit off instantly, and I knew that Aunt Pauline is easy to love, just like Uncle Charlie. Aunt Pauline said she misses Uncle Charlie, the live wire of the family, and she couldn't take his passing too, as he's the youngest brother. Upon saying that, I couldn't hold back my tears, and I could hear Aunt Pauline's voice cracking, I know then, she too was as distraughted as I was. I was 9 months too late, but at least Aunt Pauline got to say her goodbyes.

The call finally ended, and Papa and I spent moments of silence. Mama joined us, while Francis (my bro) was oblivious and could not feel a thing. It's hurting us so much to have lost Uncle Charlie, but at the back of my mind, I'm glad he went as he wouldn't want to be remembered as someone who is bounded to a wheelchair. Both Michael and I shared this view, but we cannot say that to our parents' generation, who will be really angry at us for saying this. The Chinese believes that it doesn't matter how the condition of the person is, as long has he / she is still alive, they should be happy to be alive. *Sigh*

Both Michael and I understood that Uncle Charlie will always want to be happy and upgoing, and will never want to be of any inconvenience to anyone else. Michael knew that, and tried his best to make him happy from year 2002 (after the accident) till he finally passed on. Michael would drove Uncle Charlie to Virginia every weekend to see Uncle Franklin, and every other day to see either Uncle Patrick, Aunt Pauline, Aunt Grace and Aunt Julia around New York area. Uncle Charlie seemed happy to see his siblings, eventhough wheelchair-bound... they learned to read his expressions when he could not answer whenever they speak and have conversations with him. 'His eyes were always bright, and he knows exactly what's going on all the time, Angela', said Michael. Still, we both know that Uncle Charlie can't wait to go...

Uncle Charlie had a good life, nevertheless... he is well-loved till he passed on. I thought to myself, 'Goodbye Uncle Charlie, I'm sorry that we only tried to look for you after 8 years... I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself for this. I'm sorry I didn't know earlier... but you'll forgive me, won't you, Uncle Charlie? Goodbye Uncle Charlie, Jesus loves you, and may your soul rest in peace.'

I stand in awe

2005-01-04T14:55:00.000+08:00

Today marks the 10th day after one of the worst catastrophe on earth. I spent hours and days in totality of prayer time, dedicating specific focus to God to comfort the survivors and give peace to the souls that are usurped on the 26th December 2004. My waking moments are sombre, and my heart heavy with compassion and a need to help in some form of way. I sought for ways to donate, in prayers first, and then followed by monetary donations and products.

The images that I see and feel in my mind, soaked up all the empathy I have within, leaving my soul dry and my body weak. Yet, I still stand in awe, breathing in sweet fresh air, seeing and feeling joys and sorrows. It's a strange feeling, and I am learning from everything, experiencing the providence of God, understanding the importance of being moulded and disciplined in life through trials that did not rob me of my life, but gave me a new lease in life. I am blessed, and my eyes are opened. Such revelation will bring responsibilities, and I am willing to be responsible.

My mind went back to the book of Revelation that I read and took for granted ages ago - The prophesies of end days. Though I shuddered at more than half of the prophesies that has already happened on earth, I am still grateful that I am alive. The recent catastrophe was too, written in there. Read this as part of a partial narration of the book of Revelations that I could find in the internet.

My tears sting the back of my eyes at the thought of being blessed to be given time to repent and appreciate the little things around me. My compassion and empathy has taken a new turn when I look around me, of people that I see, from the forgiveness of myself first and also to those around me. Such great mercy and grace that I have experienced, that has filled me with new eyes and feelings.

I looked back retrospectively into the past, and learn to apply the learned wisdom from God's providence into my current life. In faith that my current life, will snowball into a future of Godliness that will be blessed till the end of time. I know the responsibilities in this, as the walk will not be an easy one, but relying on God's promises that He will not abandon me gives me a Will to continue in joy. Just by knowing and believing that half my burden is shared by just believing in Christ, I know that I will be able to bear the pains administered by the world and secular ways. There will be a silver lining in every cloud, no matter how grey and gloomy the cloud is - a perception of a positive future is a must.

I look at my parents, uncles, aunties and many other parents of friends and acquaintances alike, they are too, blessed with the longevity of life, an abundance of time, a life lived in full. I too see my contemporaries, and many younger lives and new borns, they have experienced the breath of life.

The breath of life, is a breath of the beginning to live. I am not talking about 'being alive' per say, there are many people who are born in this world, but they are like walking corpses. They do not know where they are going, what they want to do, they are coerced by the ways of the world, depending on the natural sinful nature of man. The beast within, the sins of the flesh, an old self that will demonstrate its destructive pleasure-seeking capacity.

Knowing the works of Godliness within, I too find myself turning away from my old self. An old self that should have passed away, the one that hints of bitterness and ways of the world. Seeing this differene, I know my eyes are now opened, the understanding that the void within is to be filled by the spirit of God. That is the experience of understanding the beginning of Grace. With this, it comes with a responsibility of not living just for myself, and it also involves life-long process of trials that is for the good in us to grow. Eventhough there will be pain in this good, the pain will be good for us in this maturing in Christ process. A growth that will know no words, but a submission in praise and worship to the Sovereign. My mind is now, playing that song I sang when I was 18, 'I stand in awe of you' . With this, I'll leave you to your thoughts.

A New Year haunted with Past Pains

2005-01-01T13:28:00.000+08:00

The Nightwatch mass began at 10:30pm at the St. Francis Xavier Church, off Jalan Gasing on the night of 31st December 2004. Throughout the mass, many prayers were said, moments of silence were shared, a communion of peace was experienced. It was a night, dedicated to all the dead and the survivors of wars, other man-made disasters and the recent natural disaster. It's also a night where we surrendered our past hurts, our misgivings, our joys and everything else to God, and for blessings and challenges to the Word for the upcoming 2005.

Every year, I would attend the Nightwatch mass, and this time, the church is more packed than it was in the past. People were still trickling in to fill the church even at 11:30pm, and soon, even the corridors were filled with people - some seated on plastic chairs, and some leaning on the railings by the side, while many found comfort on the cold hard ground when there weren't any more chairs available.

My empathy level soared, and likewise, many others around me are feeling that way too. We prayed fervently for the good Lord to give peace to those who lost their lives in the earthquake that sent catalysmic waves across 12 nations. My eyes watered with the images of the situation, victims and survivors. Unanimously in our own individual prayers in the congregation, we prayed for the Lord to comfort the distressed survivors with hope, love and all that they need to heal and not be bitter.

Stories I hear from Winnie's charity work with the Red Cross in the past few days, of how strong Malaysian and International individuals pouring into Aceh were met with the stupid Rebels who refused to allow them in. Everyone was stuck in Medan area for more than 48 hours, before they allowed help to arrive at the site. Those who could have survived are already dead because their wounds and bleeding were unattended to... many, many other things that could be avoided from the aftermath were blocked by power-hungry fools. As Winnie narrated, I could see vivid images form in my mind, making me wrecked with sobs. I am so removed from the scene, yet the pain was so great, I fear to even be in that situation myself - I would not have survived.

I reflect on this, my own life, how my very own rocky roads in 2004 were. All my hopes, my desires, my disappointments, my love, my dreams of the future, I gave it to God. I do not want to be haunted with past pains, and I don't want my dreams of the future to divert my faith. My past actions, though will stay in my memory, it can be forgiven by God. I will need to remember the attitude of Apostle Paul in where he has advised that the memory should not bring any past guilt or pride, because we have to have one driving passion as Christians, to know Christ better. I feel empowered by this, and nothing pleases me more than wanting to learn from the past and living the current wisely so that it will not imperil the future of those around me, and myself.

Inquisitive creatures that we are...

2004-12-30T11:01:00.000+08:00

Healthy are those who ask, as they are willing to learn; Blessed are those who seek, as they shall find.

Day after day, we form little questions in our heads, asking away because we want to know. Sometimes we ask interesting questions that will never have answers. Sometimes, we adamantly and relentlessly pepper questions just to get to the bottom of things. Sometimes, our questions are answered, and at times, not. We ask all sorts to quench our inquisitiveness.

Inquisitiveness sometimes do not always bring about the best, as answers we get or do not get may not quench our thirst of knowing. It is first of all, unhealthy to be obsessed over matters that do not really matter.

For many of us, we believe in fate, destiny, and for most Christians, God's Will. In different situations, we'd trigger off our questioning button, sometimes just for the sake of 'seeing' what the other party would say, and sometimes to genuinely know about things, and in some occasion, just to be nosy. When should we stop being inquisitive then?

I remember a friend of mine, who had a hard time trying to find out all about octopuses. Reason being, his 6-year-old daughter was peppering him questions on octopuses... "Daddy, does octopuses have a heart? Do they bleed like us? Are their blood red like ours?" bla bla bla... you get the drift. Adults that we are today, but we can still be like this 6-year-old. We sometimes get obsessive with our questioning, especially the women specie (girls, please don't bash me up on this, I'm just trying to be fair and not fit into the stereotype) . I too, know of some men who are that way as well, just that they are quicker at forming a judgement at the end of the day without consensus, or just shrug thing off (grrr! See, girls, I told you I'm still on your side!).

Anyway, I'm going to refer to the Bible again. I believe that sometimes, questioning may or can sidetrack us from our faith. We need to be more gracious in addressing things, and how we question things by living in the light. Yes, living in the light in terms of living a clean, holy life . Well, Let's look at the scriptures, the words that God spoke to Moses to His people are true for us today, the 10 commandments and also many other scriptures in the Bible. For me, I want to be obedient and disciplined all the time (I succeeded most of the time, of not all of it at most times), and basically just stick to knowing God and His Will for is, as all is being spelt out in the Bible. The Bible to me, is a revelation of life. I can vouch for that as I have read so many scriptures that hits nails right into my head at different times of needs.

So, as inquisitive as we can be, and with child-like innocence that we may possess, we need to look forward positively and live to understand God's all-seeing wisdom. Our inquisitiveness should be lined with God's wisdom, with appropriate questions for the ripe moments, and well-thought line of questioning that will not bleed others' hearts. Through wisdom, we question and/or are questioned in order to grow. In believing that God wants us to be in every situation is the key, as that will only make us grow to be better persons for the morrow. There's no big open question on where we'll end up at the end of the day. It's not going to be an easy route to take, by trusting blindly, but I believe that happy are those who seek positiveness in life and not be doubtful of God's promises, as they shall find happiness - inquisitively happy.

Equality & Compatibility

2004-12-29T13:30:00.000+08:00

All that strive on equality and compability havr not only made friends and families drift apart, but also turned the roles of men and women topsy turvy these days. Let's leave gender out of this discussion first and address the general cause and effects that are linked to these two words.

Should we become battling axes in getting all that we want, and all the time? When do we give in? Everyday we deal with inequality and incompability, and because we want long-lasting peace and a job done, we compromise or team-work to work things out for the better. It's easier said than done when we say that we 'just walk away' and shove everything aside because we find a lack of natural affinity and possess eyes that are quick to measure what is justice. Who's the judge over man at the end of the day? I'll leave that question to you.

The world would be in perfect tip-top condition if everyone gets his/her own ways all the time, and yet live in unity and in harmony amongst others or loved ones. We will never find compability in everything and everyone we deal with, but through agreeing to disagree, and disagreeing to agree, we may come to a communion in maintaining peace and respect for different personalities and their quirks.

So, how do we gauge in what's equal or unequal, or what is compatible and uncompatible in life? We usually fall back on our priciples, and positions and ideologies to gauge all these. By using these variants as our little yard sticks in measuring, sometimes we fall short of grace in accepting the fact that it takes different people from different walks of life to make the world go round. What does not fill in the gap for communion amongst those and things that we dislike, our solution is to stay away.

However, that's not the case as long as each of us have our very own natural affinities tailored to our personalities and cultures / sub-cultures. This makes each one of us very different from one another. Everyone possess natural affinities. We all naturally have likes and dislikes because we are spoiled by choices, and we exercise our choices. Living in this mixed-bag-of-a-world, do we still need to further complicate things by allowing our likes and dislikes to rule our lives?

Flawed beings that we are... I've said many a times to my beau that I'm tired of being 'nice', and I do not want to be nice unnecessarily, because I will still be nice eventhough I do not wish to. He thinks that I'm feeling this because my efforts and niceties were not reciprocated. So, I continued mulling and chewing over this, and finally came to a conclusion today when I was reading a short article on 'incompatible'. I should always have the compassion for people and work towards a better communion by not letting likes and dislikes rule and change me.

Yes, I have been tempted to be bitter over all these many times over the years and especially of this year. I kept saying 'enough is enough', and is ready at any time to just dust the sand off my feet and walk on. All that before, I'm willing to let it go and turn my back to, as I see only wasted efforts that I've so painstakingly contributed to just have a communion with all big and small like, in my life. Time and again, I kept seeing such as injustice that has foundations of inequality and incompabilities in them.

Humbled by the article, I now allow my compassion to resurface, and put in my thinking and feelings to a more appropriate position in life. Equality and compatibility has to be dealt by grace, and I just have to cut people some slack for better communion.

Tempted to be bitter...

2004-12-28T03:50:00.000+08:00

3:30a.m. in the morning, that's what the clock reads. There's lots of electricity going on in my head tonight, stopping me from sleep, I am oppressed, or perhaps just devils within me.

I prayed endlessly, crying away and reading the Bible to calm my emotions. My body is breaking and screaming for sleep, but sleep never came. I felt between worlds, between the waking and the dead, it was a weird feeling. There's no hope, just darkness. The palpitations in my heart are as quick-paced as birds flapping their wings, I curled up in a foetus position, with clenched fists.

Images after images are forming in my head, a movie in my head, all of horror, and pain. The words said in them make me cringe too... all are ugly. Very ugly things, unbefitting of the heavenly significance. The ugliness all involve the people I love in my life, I shiver in my bed disillusioned on whether they are real or they are just images from a nightmare. I'm lost in time.

There are images of the past, images of the current, images of the fear of the future... ugly... so ugly... indescribeable, inhumane. This must be a brink of insanity, it's poisoning my blood and tempting me to be bitter with everything in my life. Taking the best out of me, making me feel unworthy of love, grace and mercy. It's pushing me into the pits of self-pity. It scares me so.

I've not had these since I was about to leave evil corporation that I used to work in 2002. I was too, at that time, tempted to be bitter with life. There was no sight of God, I felt abandoned. Angeline and I had to bless the house that night, we prayed hard, we spoke in tongues that night. It was a strange night, but the spirit of oppression left. Many Malay colleagues stayed away from me for days, I remember, I had massive migraines, I was angry, feeling sad, and politics at work were at it's height, I was victimised, deeply pained. After the blessing of the house, we felt air rushing out of the house... leaving a light, sweet breeze within. The morning brought about a sense of peace, and many Malay colleagues started telling me that 'the thing has left me', as they see it following me closely... they saw the spirit, but they couldn't tell me, as it could transfer to them.

Before evil corporation, the last encounter was back in 1986, when grandpa passed away. On the 3rd day of his death, I met an accident that almost robbed me of my life. Not dying that day was a miracle, doctors and nurses and policemen couldn't believe that I survived. Not when the car dragged for 30 feet. How I ended up in the backseat of the car, was another great story... unbelievable. I still bear scars to this day. My arm, a constant reminder, the numbness in my broken bones, a rain indicator... The night after my operation, I saw grandpa standing beside my bed when I was half sedated, I was scared. He was in the exact funeral clothes that I last saw before we closed the lid. I knew that there is no way the dead could come back like that, I denounced the spirit. It went away. When it went, the person next to my bed died. Wailing sounds filled the room, my father, telepathic that he seemed to be, arrived at that dot. Papa spent the night there on the chair after we solemnly see the nurses and dressers wheel the dead out. I shared a room with a cancer stricken lady. You see, I do not have much love for my grandfather, who made me feel worthless because I was born a daughter to my parents. Perhaps my complex to this day, stems from him. I have my share of bitterness against him. Still, at his death, I cried, and I had to train myself to forgive him. Superstitious relatives came round to say that 'grandpa' saved me, some said, 'grandpa almost killed you because you loved you the least'... how bitter that felt.

Another encounter was at Mount Kinabalu, I brought 10 friends back to Sabah to climb the mountain. When we were halfway of the journey (the restplace) , we were to sleep for a good 6 hours before we wake up to continue the climb at 2am. I couldn't make it, I had an attack of migraine, so the rest went ahead without me. I stayed back in the cabin, desserted, and everyone climbing up. There, I felt it again... another spirit of oppression, the steps on the roof, the scratching behind me, a breathing sound. It was the scariest night ever, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I tried very hard to... finally I screamed 'Jesus'... it went away right before I could hear myself say that. Freaky, isn't it?

I buck up with a during those nights in encounter with spirits. I feel no sweat, and the air-conditioning seems eerily cold for some reason - the feelings were identical. Somehow, tonight was different, I know I was awake and couldn't sleep, and the evil spirit was only disturbing my thoughts but could not press me down physically like it used to. You can tell it's not a nightmare, as nightmares leaves you in sweat... It all stemmed from moments that I am close to God, in committing to God... without fail, ugly things always follow after that, endless. I know this time round, I'm stronger. I think I'm more refined in serving God now that I was in the past.

I have been praying fervently of late and even more so when I was broken by personal experiences in my family and love life. I felt a burst of energy, as in commanding power in rebuking unclean spirits, even when I feel weak at times. I could still reach out for the strength of not my might but of God within all these weaknesses. As much calmness that has swept me off my feet, there is also a waging spiritual war within and around me. It's not in my head, it's not my imagination, I've been there before, I smell the familiarity. I feared it once, and I ran away, I came back and ran again... now I'm back again, because it's the calling of God is so strong these days. The signs were obvious, the words that comes to head that staggers in midway. Words of Wisdom cutting through the midst of my thoughts, like someone's speaking to my head. Sounds like a hallucination, but it's not! I swear! The telepathies from my sister and Mag when I tip over to be tempted to be bitter towards God, and my phone rings.

To soothe myself tonight, and to not fall out of grace into the backsliding ways into lukewarmdom like I used to, I started singing hymns in my head. I have failed the Refiner's fire many times because I've run. Hiding my face from God for years, but resurface again whenever I'm in need to be saved. I read the Bible again, reading and reading and tears streaming down my face, I flipped the pages, and everything seemed to be about my life, my past and current. It was so apt! When I feel wretched at reading the sins of man, I start crying, and when I flip to the next page in random, they are words of comfort in the promise of God's providence and His faithfulness in never abandoning His children.

I came here to blog after a lengthy prayer. It's 4:20a.m. now. Sleep, I must now. Fear, I must not. My faith is once again tested, I must not waver! Go to hell, Satan, that's where you belong!

********************

The morning has arrived, I slept well right after denouncing the devil. The images went away, the words went away after I prayed. I'm now re-editing my writing at this monent, in continuation of last night's experience. When I closed the blog last night, I layed my hands on the walls (taking turns) of the room, the doors and windows, praying aloud, asking God to coat the house in the blood of the lamb, and denouncing and purging the evil one from the room and the house. I know there are spirits in my room last night. It's an oppression so deep, several are there... pushing me into depression. I'm under the Refiner's fire, first the emotional upheavals weeks ago, and now, the spiritual.

I have already invited the spiritual warfare into my life, scary isn't it? The road to being God's tool is never easy, but it's all worthy. How the devil fights to keep God's tools and soldiers from completing tasks will always be there. The devil is attacking me in all my weakest areas, through my family, through my love life. So much pain I have endured in 2004. I know what I'm in for, Lord, do not abandon me in my hour of need. Hear my cry for help, because I fear now... I don't want to run anymore like I used to. The material didn't fulfill that part in my where only the Holy Spirit could feel. I cannot rely on my human strength alone, I need to share my burden, oh Lord, please!

The Daily Bread for today reads, "When God Thunders", taken from Psalm 81:6-10, these verses reminds us whenever we cry out to God in our sorrows and distress, we may not hear the 'thunder roll', but it will reverberate through the heavens once again as He answers us "in the secret place of thunder". With this, I know for sure that God will speak comfort to my heart and deliver me from my fears.

Water and Fire have No Mercy

2004-12-27T17:05:00.000+08:00

I'm saddened by the news of the Tsunami that has claimed many, many innocent lives. Not one shore that the Indian Ocean touches is spared. Thailand, India, Sri Lanka, Maldives, Indonesia, Malaysia... and many remote islands that may have lives on it.... The death is still amounting, and I believe, there are many more deaths that is unaccountable for.

I'm seated at the edge of my seat, saying a prayer every now and then, making my very own personal troubles, a whimsical twist and utmost insignificant and pales drastically by comparison. It shames me to think that I have troubles after hearing this.

Just being with Winnie last night was enough to break my heart. She was all in tears late last night, as a group of her colleagues and friends have flown into Phuket two nights ago for a little party at the beach side. They are only due back to their offices at the end of this week. All her frantic calls to reach either one of them was futile. We are playing the waiting game now, not knowing what to think - great fear engulfed our senses - we fear to hear the worse, and yet we hope to hear from them. I don't know any of her friends or colleagues, but I felt the burden. I cannot imagine the magnitude of the pain for those of the immediate family. It's indescribeable. Still, we have not given up hope yet.

I've frowned half the day away, thinking about this... not knowing what else to think but to share this burden with God through prayers. I believe, everyone in the world is saddened, if not angered by this epidemic, and I hope they have an outlet to share their burden too, an outlet that would not claim any more lives than it already had.

Many will say that God is blind to allow such an epidemic to take place, and I fear of such 'fire' that will be tried on me or on anyone for that matter. The fear of losing more than what any one of us could bear, like the losses that Job encountered. Russell, John and I also spoke of this yesterday too - on not lose any more than we can bear to break us onto our knees to acknowledge that God is in charge. God gives many signs to each individual in their lifetime, atuned to our ears and our eyes alone ... administered in ways that we ourselves alone, understand. Sometimes, we choose denial, and sometimes we acknowledge, we are just atuned to ourselves, our needs and our ways. How stubborn!

God gives His Salvation for free, we have the choice to either tune off, or just want things our way by ignoring the calling at times - the ways of the world is so tempting, yet we are never fully fulfilled. It seems like there's a vessel within ourselves, that is just shaped for God to fit in, and no other things in any form could fit that vessel, except for the Holy Spirit. We are tried from a higher flame of fire to the next till we submit to this acknowledgement. In the Refiner's crucible we are all at... and it's out of God's love, He never gave up on us, neither did He allow us to go through pain beyond our endurance, or let us slip into the dark side. I'm looking at this, with new eyes, a renewed heart and mind, that being tried by fire and soaked in cold water in God's care is of God's grace, and not a curse.

Tsunami, in the form of water, treacherous, unexpected, stole so many lives at this time. IT's even said that there'll be a second occurence in the next couple of days. In Malaysia, all people who believe in Feng Shui are buzzing with what Lilian too last spoke, about 2005 being swamped by epidemics stemming from Earthquakes and Floods. "It's not even 2005 yet!!! How many more of these are coming!!!", belows one of my colleagues this morning. I looked at him, my eyes round like saucers.

Even great floods, at any point of the earth, had too, usurped the lives out of many places. Bush fires and infernos as other forms of epidemics too, had claimed many lives over the course of the centuries. Truly, the physical bodies of water and fire have no mercy. Likewise, the devil, is just as merciless in stealing our souls and causing all sorts to make us fall further away from God's grace. God allows this for us to mature and be stronger soldiers for Christ, in knowing the differences, in having the experience in dealing with higher levels of things after passing each trial. God also protects us from not allowing the devil to go beyond, in claiming our lives. God is all-seeing, all-caring, and all-knowing - the spiritual warfare is waging. One way or the other, we are tools for God, and perhaps, the death of these people should not be looked upon as so negatively as in our human understanding. There's a reason, a reason that we in our human ways, cannot comprehend yet. I've written this down in the tablet of my heart, I want to ask God of this. I too, felt the injustice and the pain that this has to happen, why? Still, I'm submitting, and humbly seek God's wisdom, because He knows better than I do, and in time to come, I will too, understand.

Still, in the course of this life on earth, we will never understand why epidemics have to occur, but God truly has His reasons. It's best not to analyse and try to play God in pointing our fingers and making judgements. This is the time that the devil rears it's ugly head, in recruiting for more to be on his dark side. Negativity, hatred, shunning God, all sorts of creative ways will be injected to complete the picture of making God an emotionless, cruel liar that takes lives for fun.

Let's reflect this on ourselves, our lives, and how we have lived it. Are we epidemic-proof? Are we fully letting God be in charge of our lives, and by first submitting to obedience? Even to the extent of treating our bodies as the temple of God? Are we living in God's words with joy and not behaving like a pharisee who's all talk but no actions? Are we only Christians bound to the pew, or we are walking Evangelitics through our actions and daily lives? It's not a talent-time show. There's no race in this. It's our very own competition within ourselves, and not against anyone else out there. Are we to be clad in the Believer's armour (Ephesians 6: 16-17) at all times - in full Commitment to God. It's time, at least I could say this to myself, I've shunned it for years, afraid to take up my stand and stood by God's side. I was afraid of the responsibilites then, now I am no longer.

Clad in this armour, we will not fear the first death, as there's the promise of eternal life. There will be constant spiritual warfare to tempt us in falling into sin. Mortal sins in the form of immoral doings, deceit, luke-warmth faith robs us of our eternal life, hence, resulting in a second death. Hence, God's splashes of cold water on us, and his flame administered to us in the crucible, to remind us, and help us to be on our toes to repent, and to be obedient. There is no room for being a lukewarm Christian anymore, we are reminded in the scriptures to be actively partaking in serving God in our vocations in life.

He still has mercy and grace for us to repent in this lifetime, before our first death that will determine how our second death will be like. A choice of eternal life, or eternal death? Read the book of Revelations Chapter 2 & Revelations Chapter 20.

Swept off my feet by coincidence?

2004-12-27T11:55:00.000+08:00

I think not, as nothing is left to chances. I don't believe in sheer luck, nor do I believe in coincidences. I believe in pre-destiny, fate, and blessings in life, and most of all God's Will - His loving plan for all of us, individually.

Boxing day brought about my 3rd visit to the church in a row. Believe it or not, this has to do with the symbolic use of the number 3 in scripture. Three is the number which is used to represent things which are "spiritual" in nature. For example, the Holy Trinity is in '3'; at the 3rd crow of the rooster, Peter will deny Jesus; Jesus was tempted 3 times to see if he would succumb "spiritually" to the temptations of the Devil; Jesus rose on the 3rd day after He died on the cross (I hope some of this is making sense). Think of all the events in the life of Christ which took place in series of 3's or dealt with the number 3 in some way. So, the number 3 has to do with the spiritual nature of Jesus. Of course, there are other numbers to consider, Biblically (read this). Numbers are symbolic.

I'm far from being superstitious, but listening to a sermon on 'the Return of the King' in it's signifance of the Holy Trinity from birth to His death on the cross and resurrection + the after effects and the affects in man's hearts and lives + actions.... bumping into old friends in 3s, and forming a prayer meeting at 3pm that afternoon... completely strike out any formation of coincidental occurences. There's something really significant about the number '3' in Russell's, John's and my life on that very sunday.

The year 2004 has been rough for many of us, I'm sure it's in different areas of our lives, of things that we hold dear to our hearts. Still, the pain is the same for all of us - deep, and disturbing and seemingly neverending till we submit to God.

Russell & John are my very dear friends for 15 long years, we were in the same Christian fellowship group. People look up to us, because we were the pillars, we pray for others, we could always see the light at the end of the tunnel. We had hearts so big that we truly, truly love all, including toxic friends and even forgive many dastardly things that others did to us. We even prayed for those who hurt us, in God to change them and bless them. We were disgustingly 'perfect' in human eyes. We were infallible.

Moreover, we could support each other by prayers at any moment that we feel that we are tempted by the ways of the world, or have a thread of worry in our hearts. Even to this day, we could pick up on each other's lives even when we did not meet for months and years.

It's through God, we have a foundation together. Through thick and thin, we watched each other grow up, gone through wretched years together, supported each other in our hardest times, got down on our knees to pray for one another (and together as well), even quarrelled and made up, were mean to each other (in a good way), and also criticised each other mercilessly etc. There's a bond amongst the 3 of us that cannot be broken and watered down over the years, it gets better as the years mature, even we have matured together. Friends of such are like rare jewels these days.

Let me digress a little, and tell you all about Russell and John. Russell's a Meliani, John's a Ceylonese, and I'm Chinese... we've always said that these 3 races can never meet eye to eye, but we're thrown together in this world, if I stood between these two men, we make a good 3-lined zebra crossing. Hah! Anyway, we are still made to be good friends, in spite of our silly racist jokes about our colours!

In our late teens, I went out with John, we were innocent in our dating, we never kissed, just only held hands, hugged each other, and even slept side by side and never were tempted to any carnal, physical feelings. Yet we had lots of talks about the future of having little Johns and little Angelas - even our old friends expect it, even thought we might, one day. It won't happen, we are too phileo ('friendship love' in Greek) that we completely skipped the eros ('physical love' in Greek) bits and hopped on to agape ('unconditional love' in Greek). Even to this day, some old A Levels classmate still refer me as John's Angela, and likewise John as Angela's John. There are so many Johns with John Thomases in my life, but thank God I'm never a Lady Chatterly to any of them (there's a joke somewhere, find it).

Ok, I have digressed enough. Where was I? Yes, our bumping into each other on sunday, unplanned, and not by coincidence at all. We had a long lunch together, we talked for hours. Confessions from both Russell and John that they were having a hard time in wanting to be rid of God's seed in their lives. They couldn't understand why they wanted to tell me about it. They said that they have been avoiding me, knowing that they might change their minds if they meet me. But still, something in them drove them to really see me. My heart sank when I heard that, as in a very human way, such words can really be read into as 'in wanting to call off friendship and finding each not being reliable in times of need). I squealched that, and I listened - really, really listened to their pouring.

Later, I shared with them that I too once dabbled with the idea, but somehow, the seed has been planted, and I am left with no choice but to acknowledge it. God is not letting me go, as every nook and cranny I turn, I'm reminded. I cannot be a black sheep. I have to stay pure and white at all times. In the little sheep penn I stay, chosen and subjected to pre-destiny. I cannot denounce it, I can't because I'm too wise and have tasted God's grace and mercy to denounce God in my life. Acknowledging God's presence. Likewise, Russell and John are no different from me, we hurt the same way, our areas of hurt stems from what we held closest to our human hearts. The years of hurts we have encountered, the numerous times we have stumbled, the vast frustrations we have experienced, the fury we have have enveloped, the depression that we were sucked into, we are tried to the breaking point... even our trust and faith in God stagger and at the tip of losing hope... but right before this happens, we are swept off our feet again by God's grace .... these are all refining processes as in us being 'tried by fire'. Terribly painful are these trials, but they will never destroy us, for the Refiner sits by the furnace tending the flame. God will not allow us to be tried beyond our endurance; it is for our own good - a needed growth in spiritual maturity is to be tried by fire.

The psalmist said in his sorrow, "We went through fire" (Psalm 66:12). How apt this is. We will never be afraid or stay away from heat, if we did not get burnt once by touching a hot surface, likewise, we will not learn from the significance of things around if we are not hurt. Sounds perverted, but let's look at another point - to really know love is to be hurt by love once. Though it could embitter us, but there's something to learn from everything, as there's a reason for everything that occurs in our lives.

Looking back retrospectively, stories I've read of others' trials in life, their testimonies; even those of my friends', my family's, mine all have it's different degrees and angling of painful experiences, but the magnitude of the hurt is no lesser from each. We may not understand why we have to endure such painful experiences. The ordeal seems endless and pointless. Our days are wasted, or so it seems. We feel as if we are doing nothing of lasting significance. BUT, God is doing what matters - we are being refined.

The refining processes will help us acquire patience, meekness, humility, compassion, and other "quiet" virtues our souls naturally lack. Like Job, in all his losses, frustration of being abandoned by God, or so it seems during the height of his depression, God still spoke to him. All present trials, as painful as it may be, must be remembered that everything is screened through God's wisdom and love.

I shared all these with them, that hurt must occur in our lives as a refining process, as we have to be tried by fire. I understand this, I see God's loving plan, I struggled to see it because I held on strong to God's promises at the end of the day. Though my life is never unfurled at one go in front of me, there are still many fears of the unknown in my life, but because I acknowledge that I fear, God deals with me in His time and space. People need the Lord, I need the Lord - I am weak, I acknowledge that. Everything about me, I purport strength, because that's my human shell, but even being strong this way, I still have moments of weakness. I cannot battle the weaknesses without the pillars of strength from God. Prayers strengthen these pillars in my life. I draw strength from His Word, His Grace & Mercy, His Wisdom... and most of all, the help of His Invisible hands. Trusting the Lord, and allowing Him to be in charge of our lives renew our minds, hearts and everything about us, insideout.

The 3 of us, we admittingly agreed that the first step to healing is acknowledgement of what we are - our confessing our fears, our weaknesses, our anger - all that of things that makes us lowly woodworms that are unworthy of love, hope, mercy and grace. This Christmas, the reminder of Christ's birth is significant for the 3 of us, in remembrance of our child-like faith and hope in the past when we first met 15 years' ago. We went through trials and errors, our hearts are embittered in many areas, my eyes have filtered out the many drippings of grace. We are our own making of droppings of disgrace.

Unanimously, we agreed to have a weekly prayer meeting together like we used to back in our college days. Who else did we call? Another trusting old friend, Chu San. Chu San's prayers are always powerful. John always believed that so are mine, since I come from the missionary lineage like Chu San. In that very prayer meeting, I once again loosen my tongue in public praying - I am back to my old days - I was exactly that way more than 10 years ago. I used to pray for many, I don't know how and where did I stuff up to be struggling in the past 10 years, juggling between using my strength and manipulated God's help whenever I cannot handle - I wasn't 100% trusting and letting God take charge all the way. It's no wonder why Christ in all His holiness and immaculate birth took only 40 days' to be lost in the wilderness, and I the sinner, took 10 years. I was very human, I was very flawed, though I live by justice and could never extract the seed of God passed down by my ancestors, not of my choice, but by heritage. Today, God's blessings are still flowed into my life, because of my parents' prayers, my sisters', and grandparents, my greatgrandparents, and so forth. A thousand years is like a day to the Lord, and a day is like a thousand years to the Lord too - God is timeless (2 Peter . God is good, I was given a 100th fold of time to repent, and to be on my knees.

It was the sweetest homecoming ever, a breakthrough, I believe. John, with all his macho demeanor had tears streaming down his face, Russell was sniffling away (he gave some excuse that he had a sudden attack of sinus), but we all understood each other's hearts and desires in life. Neil, another old friend, drove all the way to join the prayer meeting, he was almost telepathic to our calling. Coincidence? No way. Chu San lead in prayer, continuously we had a chain prayer from Neil, and then me and they the cycle repeatedly went on that way - 3s again!

So, coincidence in linking and probably muddling all these together, I think not. I see the connectivity in all that has occured, domino effect in affecting even those around me. Everything made sense. Us '3', knew that our meeting up on Sunday is no coincidence, it was part of God's plan in uplifting us - it's time for the fellowship of man. It's not about pacifying the psyche in putting a reason behind the happenings and hurts in life, or some modern day counselling that eases the mind for a tad bit of time - we're talking about coming back to our feet despite us thinking that we have fallen out of grace. John and Russell confessed that they would not have gone for a prayer meeting and would have denounced God that night if they have not met up with me. I was not the Saviour, I was a tool for God in that day. I couldn't be a useful tool if I did not go through the mill that I went through in year 2004. There are little miracles in life... I felt it, I experienced it, I'm humbled by it all. The fulfillment came in the sense of calmness sweeping me off my feet. It's God's love that has swept me off my feet. That is truly, not coincidental.

Christmas with Papa & Mama

2004-12-25T16:25:00.000+08:00

... is fabulous! Let me think.... it's been 10 years since I've last spent Christmas with my parents!! I remember very well that it was back in 1994 when I went back to Sabah for a week before I scurried off again to KL on the boxing day, and boarded the plane again on 31st December to be in the great big America on the 1st January 1995!! It wasn't much of a Christmas then, Papa and Mama were rather sad that they were preparing to send another child - far, far away. That Christmas night of 1994, will always be remembered... as my parents asked me to play old hymns on the piano; hymns that are usually played during funerals of sending someone far away and to be watched over by God. It was morbid, yet there's reassurance. It was a teary Christmas, yet a sweet tradition of my parents' love for their children. It did make me feel that I will never see them again, but at the same time, I was also filled with hope that I will see them soon as well. It's a funny mix, but there's a sense of tranquility that night - a silent night, holy night.

Time flew, and 10 years have since passed us by. We're all still alive, Amen! Though all the 3 siblings are never together at one time with our parents. This Christmas, we did nothing special, but seeing each other is 'special' enough. We're happy at all times, reading the newspapers, watching TV and having dinner together... just like old times. Days ago, we celebrated Dad's 72nd birthday, and also Mom & Dad's 40th Wedding Anniversary. Both celebrations were a family thing, the only outsider is a to-be-insider - bro's girlfriend, a very much looked-upon future daughter-in-law of my parents'.

On the Christmas Eve, we were just hanging around each other, and also we had a guest... a plumber in the house! Of all days, the plumber decided to arrive on the Eve of Christmas, renovating and fixing our toilets and kitchen piping system. The toilet flush in my bedroom is finally in good working order once again, Yay!

We had a really late dinner that Eve's night, together with our unexpected dinner guest - the plumber! Interesting folks that we are, the plumber even finds it strange that he gets invited for a dinner eventhough we are paying him for his works! Well, that's us Sabahans - our hospitality cannot be found anywhere else in West Malaysia, or perhaps anywhere in the world. Everything went well, and I lapped up dinner faster than the rest, and couped myself up in the room again - a moment of silence, a silent meditation, and whispering my prayers loud enough for my ears. I did an idiosyncratic thing, like I used to when I was a small child... especially when I'm praying for others. That night, I was saying a few words to my darling, in the form of a prayer via the good Lord, hoping in telepathy (if there's any), he'll feel he's being prayed on behalf, or even hear me all the way in Greece! No joke, I really wished that. Oh well, prayers are powerful, they change lives, and they certainly did mine!

Right, hours went by in spending my quiet time, and I was playing old hymns on the stereo (not even Christmas ones!) in the background. I eventually moved on to reading my Daily Bread, and Papa came in and sat at the edge of the bed. He looked around, and was glad that he found me reading what he believed as 'proper reading' instead of my old habits of reading historical romances. I've ditched historical romances more than 10 years ago, finding more excitement in real romances.

So, back to Papa, he sat on my bed, and then I looked at him from the corner of my eyes, and saw him lie down near my feet, with his eyes closed and a serene smile pasted on his face, listening and humming to the traditional hymns being played on the stereo in my room. While Mom zipped in and out of the room busying herself with washing this and that (there's just so much to wash, I couldn't keep track with all her washing!). In the midst of my reading, I could hear Mom singing, her voice blending into hymns whenever she pops through my bedroom door. Such was the scene on Christmas eve last night. We do appear to be a funny lot... like an ex-boyfriend described my family - A traditional Chinese family with a Western religion. How apt, and I guess that's us.

We grew up on having a Christmas Eve 'special' rice congee - concoction of cubed pork shoulder, century eggs, scallops & chinese oysters, and before we have our congee, we'll pray a lengthy prayer for the year and for the future. All the 5 of us would be seated together like the story in Goldilocks and the three bears, just we have another two cubs in our family and no interfering Goldilocks, and a big prayer before we start our meal.

It's all sweet, in a way, eating together and saying a prayer together before the piping hot Christmas meal in front of us. This year, we're all missing my parents' eldest, who is also bro's and my only sister, Agnes. Agnes is the apple of my parents' eyes, while bro is their only son, and I don't know where I fit in - they've always found me a mystery. Anyway, let's not digress... Somehow, my Mom didn't want to cook the congee this Christmas, reason being, 'Agnes is not here, hence, the family is not complete'. We went along with that, in respect, and in understanding - no envy, no disappointment, no squabble.

Still, Christmas of 2004, it's a little different from the past Christmases. No turkeys made by myself this time, but I pre-ordered one from Cafe Melise for Christmas Dinner! My usual Christmas party for friends is strike off, and I suppose it's time for just the family. It's a good change, my soul has come home to a real Christmas at last :).

Gentleness and Meek Humility

2004-12-22T09:30:00.000+08:00

In this fallen world, gentleness and meek humility have dwindled into nothingness, if not, almost forgotten. For those who still possess them, they are seen as doormats or losers. Most of them do not have fat accounts to boast about, nor are they prominent figures in the society of the rich and famous.

It's not that they did not pursue successes in life, or lack ambition. They are just more balanced in using their gifts of feeling and thinking in every situation. They do not succumb to ruthless bull-dozing to get what they want all the time. They persevere, have faith, and filled with hope and grace, as they believe in greater rewards in life. Rewards that include the building relationships with others, in being considerate to others, in giving random acts of kindness, in deep understanding and respect for mercy and grace even for the undeserving.

Afterall, what's the hot pursuit in succeeding in life all about? Little do many realise or just choose to ignore, how important it is to have the milk of human kindness in every aspect of life. There is more joy in giving than receiving at the end of the day. It is a contributing factor to sustaining happiness and contentment in all positions in life. Though some misuse this to their advantage, by asking perverted the act of giving, by expecting others to return in due course.

The words, 'gentleness' and 'meek humility' should not be negated, but to be seen in a positive light. It's where feelings of people are taken into consideration through genuine actions taken in deep-thought before the arrival of the decision-making processes. It's not a religious thing, it's the element of compassion for people, and the almost-forgotten glue to all relationships.

To have kindness, one must understand and utilise the gift of feeling and thinking. Too often a time, people have squealched their feelings, leaving themselves numbed, suppressed and submerged so that the 'thinking' mind surfaces to deal with various situations ranging from decision making or undoing a decision. Such are the secular ways of the world where the vicious cycle of the hurt will administer to the next group of hurt... making the world a bleak, hopeless, and cold place to live in. Cold hard cash and the play of power is the oil to the hinges of doors to opportunity, it births it's own language and illusionary vision to manufacture temporary happiness. It's unquenchable needs require constant feeding. Each time, in larger doses, completely milking a person dry of emotions.

Many who practise by, or administer such, are recipients of hurt themselves or once were in that position. It only takes their own permission, to allow such thinking and ideologies to rule their lives. Little do they know themselves; they do not listen to the screaming voice within to be nurtured, to feel a little love, to feel a little appreciation and respect.

Ignoring the voice within, killing the 'self' in the pursuit for success, many do not even find time to know their real selves better. Sometimes not even feeling or thinking, they face life in denial, thinking that it's easier to deal with things that way. Their emotions run wild, while thinking halts the processes, but by ramming head-on, they become comfortable doers - in self-denial, a form of death.

To learn about the self, there is constant checking and balancing processes with the outside world and the self, in which one minimises gaffes. Pausing to feel and think of one's position in life, gauging what is missing and or what has exceeded before the tongue slips and actions blunder. The rat race to surviving doesn't pave a clear and bright pathway, but to just aim in the head to rush to the end line. It's a race that has completely left many with broken hearts and endless soul-searching, a defeat.

A little gentleness and meek humility comes a long way. Sometimes, it's overlooked since the world is so harsh and calculative. The ways of the world needn't get into us, we have to continue to seek God's wisdom and His loving plan for us to fit into His Will. How will we ever arrive to see God's plans if we are so head-strong by using our worldly eyes and ears in the pretext of being street wise? Food for thoughts.

Wills and Trust Deeds

2004-12-21T14:52:00.000+08:00

Though the Chinese have always believed that 'blood is always thicker than water', it has somehow been thinned down by modernisation and ungrateful children! Alas, materialism and all that jazz of the new age has corrupted these age-old values that many of us Anglosised Chinese still hold on dearly to this day. Most post-modern Chinese have swayed to and fro from Individualism to Culturalism, playing the loyalty game or whichever tactic or strategic that would line their pockets the quickest with $$.

Money and properties could still tempt the once-upon-a-time righteous children to break promises and not abide by their parents' wishes. Even promises given at the death bed goes unheeded and not honoured. Once the umblical cord is cut by death, the siblings denounce their siblinghood relationships, cold-bloodedly, and more ruthless than good ol' Shylock's demand for a pound of flesh. The fear of God's wrath and the return of Daddy's spirit just do not ring a bell in their heads!

The smell of hate reeks from their breaths, the cutting words spewed amongst siblings inflict internal bruises and add salt to gaping wounds. Not even the miraculous works of accupuncture or accupressure, or the bitterest of all researched western medicines could relieve it's pain or heal it. Even if there is ever healing and forgiveness, the scars are left there for good, a constant reminder of a painful experience. Such, are the seeds sown to begin a nuclear family.

It's not a tale, it's not a figment of the imagination, neither it is an exaggerated hypothetical finding! As year in and year out, we hear from the grape vine of family friends, or friends of a family friend, or whoever, would have a cheating-sibling-story. It's indeed, a sad fact these days and also of yesteryears that such things do happen. All of them stories trace back to the same dependence and absence - the absence of a Will and Trust Deed and unequal sharing of properties to children that range from more to less favourite ones, and the dependence on the Verbal promises and expectations for children to understand traditions and cultures of the forefathers.

It's pure crap, but somehow, the lesson is never learned, as every parent is so sure that their children will always be good. They look at others' problems with a bystander effect, shake their heads from left to right on 'how bad others' children are, but luckily mine are not that way', but never foresee that one day, they could suffer the same fate... a breed of bad blood in the so-believed pure line of good blood. Hence, the thought of putting things down in black and white is like forming a curse into the family, a distrust ... no parent want this 'distrust' disease that would break the unity of the family.

The writing of wills and trust deeds are probably just never a Chinese thing, as it's deemed to be a Western ideology of distrusting the next of kin. Such legal paperworks are avoided like plague as perceived as shameful to having spell out everything to someone else outside of the family, like a lawyer or a Will writer. All information is to be kept intact, and inhouse.

Whether it is out of fear in allowing others to know how much, or how little wealth there is in the family, or it's just some twisted pride in by being in denial, or perhaps out of plain foolishness, I am still left flabbergasted with the whole idea of those who do not want to write wills and trust deeds! Any suggestion from children for parents to draw legal paperworks of such are seen as a form of disrespect to parents' wishes, a lack of filiality, appreciation and consideration for their immediate lineage.

By excerpting the sea of unreasonableness of the whole madness of 'No Will, No Trust Deeds', I was stopped short of continuing, even to an extent of being verbally warned that I may risk of being disowned! All these 'words and the way of the forefathers' go without questioning, it's the rule of the thumb, it's final - halt the questioning, you're just wasting your time and energy trying to understand the logic behind it. There's just no existence of logic - just accept and absorb the 'word of the father' like a filial child... don't be a prodigal daughter!

Traditionally, sons and daughters are trained from a young age to understand that only those who will carry the surname, the lineage, the pride will inherit lands and properties. While the sons become over-indulgent with the inheritance and the expectations of being provided for, the mothers suffer the frugality of their husbands in teamed-sacrifice to give the children the best of the best. Finally, the daughters, oh the poor daughters are given a conditioned opportunity to have 'some' rights as the sons - via education - however, they are still trained to be both caregivers and slapped on obligatory roles to serve the family till they are married off.

It's already bad enough having to have birthed daughters who will marry off and change their surnames, a complete depletion of the family line! Hence, what's the use of having a Will and a Trust Deed unless one has more than 2 sons in the family? As long as there's an only son in the family, everything goes to the 'male heir'.

With much squabbling, pails of tears being shed and many heartaches, my relentless words to my parents finally took effect. Thy Will will be done, and thy Trust Deed will be done too! Why am I so relentless and will not let go of this case? My brother has said many cruel things to me, in which I cannot be forgiven and overlooked. There's no such thing where people say things that they don't mean. If they can verbalise it, it means they have been thinking about it! Whether the words take the forms of action eventually, no one will ever know - the risk will always be there!

I will always remember grandpa, who is greatly admired by many, and has the wisdom of an old man from the woods, still never had the wisdom to love daughters and grandaughters. He however, quipped one day of a Chinese / Hakkha proverb (directly translated, ok?) while we were having dinner together as a family : If you continuously knock consistently on a hard rock, it will eventually crack'. I was a wee child then, why I remembered his words, I don't know... I suppose it made sense. Anyway, grandpa is altogether another story that I will blog about one day... Anyway, equipped with his wise words and ceaseless prayers and tears, I have put in all my patience and relentless rapping into my parents' heads not to be blind and be fair to the unmarried daughters who will need their monies one day and not subsidise the already-indulgent-brother who has land titles, bungalow, shop shares, market shares... and still have a house in the city that must be subsidised by the higher income earners of sisters!

My sister and I spoke for ages early this morning, and I reported that all things are on the way - I got my lawyer friend to draw the Trust Deed, and have another friend to help Daddy write the Will. We girls truly do not want the properties and the bungalow or whatever monetary things Daddy has, we are happy with his decision to give whoever he wants as it's his right and properties. We just do not want to subsidise for our brother in a house that is under the pretext of a 'family house' that is under his name. He already treats both sis and I like shit, with all the verbal abuse and bullying attitude despite us being so forgiving and nice to him, and continuously cook and buy him things. It's all love loss, and affection down the drain. It's only sensible to have the Will and Trust Deed drawn to safeguard the interests of the daughters to not lose their savings in vain for their own future to an ungrateful brother. *Sigh*My sister and I will finally close the chapter on this case, and sleep in peace tonight.

2004-12-20T20:32:00.000+08:00

All of us as a family, only person missing is our dear Aggie who is slogging away with the last bits of her PhD Viva and upcoming exams. By the way, Shanice is part of the family these days too!

Happy 72nd Birthday Papa!

2004-12-20T18:36:00.000+08:00

A great meal at Cafe Mellise is a nice change from the usual sit-down-10-course-Chinese-dinner that my father prefers. I was given the honour to say Grace for the night, and we joined hands to thank the Lord for blessing Papa throughout the years, and to continue blessing him throughout the many years to his ripe old age. Then a prayer for all our family members and all that we love. After 'Amen', everyone turned to their food in silence and lapped the plates clean, before we began yacking again over glasses of white wine and black forest cake. Yes, a bottle of white was what we opened for the celebration, together with a hefty helping each of the Black Forest cake that I specially ordered for the occassion ended the night!

You can see how happy Papa is in the picture! Anyway, Papa, I've written you couplets:

As a family we celebrate today,
Papa, we welcome your 72nd birthday;
Happy, happy birthday to you and more,
Papa, our unceasing prayers are as before;
In your smile, we can see very few wrinkles,
Papa, giving your cheeks a set of dimpled crinkles;
Your beloved children, you can see,
Papa, God's blessings to you are not wee;
Blessings from God we have received,
Papa, Life to the fullest you have conceived!
Your faith in God we inherited,
Papa, our lives are blessed and merited;
Traditions and culture you taught us,
Papa, we struggled to abide without any fuss;
Our highest respect for you is here to stay,
Papa, our dedication and loyalty will never sway;
In 72 years of life you have seen,
Papa, you must understand where we've been;
Our love and affection for you is so real,
Papa, we know it matters to you a great deal;
Faults that we children may have,
Papa, still perfection from us you crave;
Your children are humans also,
Papa, no matter what, we will always love you so!

Soccer in the Tummy

2004-12-20T18:04:00.000+08:00

A parent came over to talk to a heavily pregnant colleague who was seated at the entrance reception together with me for Sunday's Open Day duty, "Are you experiencing a soccer game inside your tummy?" Christina didn't quite understand what the man meant, and I quickly translated that in Chinese for her, and only then she started laughing.

The parent continued advising us as 'future Asian mothers' that our husbands must be able to take care of us and 'love us to death' as it's such a beautiful gift to men if a woman is willing to go through the sacrifice of carrying a baby to full term, and go through the pains of childbirth, and nurture the baby and raise them to be good citizens of the society.

'My first child was born 28 years ago followed by another two who is now 25 and the youngest is 17 years old. I can't appreciate and love my wife enough for being there for our children and me. I express this everytime, and it's such a pleasure to see the joy in her face and also in my children's... I hope both of you ladies here have a man who love and appreciate you like the way I do with my wife', said the parent.

Both Christina and I smiled, and Christina started to tell the parent in comprehensible English that her husband loves her very much, and would massage cream onto her stomach, and didn't mind all the stretch marks she's having. She said she is worried to death that the marks will not go away, and her husband assured her that she will always be beautiful in his eyes, and the marks won't make a difference to mar her beauty. I thought that was the sweetest thing that a man could assure his wife. For that moment, the back of my eyes sting a little bit with unshed tears, as I wonder whether I will one day have this in my life.

'I'm so happy to hear that, and I hope God will bless you with many good children. Don't forget to love your parents too eventhough you have a good man in your life. You know, I must admit that my youngest, a daughter, is the easiest to raise and really knows how to love her parents. My sons are a little less expressive, as they didn't quite take after my expressive nature, but both my missus and I are blessed and our sons come home all the time. Nevertheless, I hope whether you are carrying a little girl or a boy inside, you should give unequal love because when they grow up, they have different ways of expressing their love for their parents - expressing less doesn't mean they love you less. Hey, we are Asians, we are cursed with a lack of expression, but I remind my children everyday that love in your heart is to be expressed, and not to be kept hidden,' said the parent with a really big smile that almost split his face into halves.

So, that led on to many more bits of advise of childcaring and raising children, which I eventually tuned off and was catapulted into my own little world of thoughts. I think 'soccer in the tummy', is not to be experienced by every woman.

Though I know of my spinster friends who seemed all hardy and hardlined with their exterior and outlook in life to those who do not know them. But I know the deepest feelings they have inside them since we are so close and share everything of our fears and expectations in life. They always advise me that I should never be like them, as I'm still young, but their time has passed them by. They have learned to make themselves happy with what they have since they just knew that they should never marry for less, but always marry for equality, if not more. Neither the 'equality' nor the 'more' ever came - they were too fussy and choosy.

I will always remember a passage that I read once about the 3 different types of women in the world: 1) Those who would just marry anyone because it's time - they are neither choosy nor fussy; 2) Those who would have a specific type of man in their minds but when the time comes, they will compromise to marry the moment they sense that the man has some qualities to their specific type - they are choosy, but not fussy; 3) Those who have a specific type of man in their minds, and they will rather stay single and not marry till they meet this man of their dreams - they are both choosy and fussy. Thus, my dearest unmarried girlfriends all fall in category 3.

Many friends of my contemporary have taken option item #1 and #2, and myself and a few are still in category #3. If 'soccer in the tummy' is so important, I fear that I could be tempted to fall out of #3 and slip into the oblivion of #2. Only time will tell, but chances are that, I'm too mule-headed to consider #2.

Know Thyself

2004-12-17T11:01:00.000+08:00

Plato's philosophical view of the self, Know Thyself in the form of a dialogue, is filled with wisdom that promotes 'thinking' for one discover the self. The beginning of life, is where one is willing to think, and learn about himself / herself before they are able to learn all things around them. Know Thyself has works interpreted & reinterpreted over an umbrella of topics ranging from education to palmistry etc. It is a dialogue to be digested, not understood at a glance and a mere 'read' at one sitting. It is to be read time and again, then put into practise within one's capacity in 'finding the self', and understanding fully of his/her own limitations.

From the aspect of education, the will power and motivation comes from thyself, hence, learning is birthed when one dares to think about thinking, think beyond the thinking. An interesting finding in all his dialogues are that he is never a participant. It is his style, as in a way to get his readers to think by themselves, if not, to decide for themselves. That is to 'build one's own life, and truly live it' as how one should know and understand himself/herself.

In Know Thyself, based on hypotheses, has a full-fledged reasonableness in why others cannot decide another's life, but the owner himself/herself. The meanings of life begins from one knowing himself / herself, and not from others.

Take for example, to use and understand the English Language, one only makes sense of the language if equipped with it's standard basic knowledge - grammar. Without grammar, there is no structure in a sentence, resulting in a loss of meaning within a group / string of words. Vocabulary, are those with specfic meanings to objects and things and conditions around us. The acquisition of vocabulary increases over time, and with practice it makes sentences more meaningful, giving communication it's accuracy and sprinkled with spice and variety.

Likewise, let's use this analogy of grammar by equating it to 'knowing thyself'. With grammar, the structures of sentences are in place, as in an analogy to understanding the basics what the self is like in order to organise thoughts and logos in one's mind and heart. Organised thoughts in one's life finds the respect for rules, regulations and laws unomitable. While vocabulary, as in different wisdoms learned in 'life', brings one's walk in life surer. A confidence, a little less fear of the unknown, more guidance since the pathway is litted, and not forgetting, a wisdom to gauge the future by understanding different choices.

Imbedded in this dialogue, is the correlation between how much one knows oneself to logos ('speech' & 'reason' amongst many other meanings in Greek). The prominence of one's logos, the self is defined by oneself, and perceived likewise by others. The aspect of language as an analogy earlier do make sense so far, I hope?

Bear in mind, this is not a piece on training one to be wise, or sophoi, but to have a love for wisdom as in being 'lovers of wisdom', philoi. How do we define the differences between being 'wise' and being 'lovers of wisdom'? There's a ceiling to being wise or sophoi, but to have philoi, one knows that there's so much wisdom in life that it's a neverending learning curve.

Eventhough one is equipped with a physical tool, the brain, doesn't necessarily mean that mental processes, the mind must come together with it. The mind is developed through stages of inquisition, exposure, wisdom, and not forgetting, the thirst for knowing of oneself - capabilities.

Memory, as a means in retaining information is also another form of 'capability' of the mind. It is not really a 'gift' that comes together with the brain either, as it's part of the processes within the mind. It is too, developed and trained as how thyself wants it. The will to remember, is the will to retain, to make comparisons, to make the right decisions comparitively... Hence, education, in it's formal or informal form, is the key to the development of the mind. It's no wonder why those who know themselves end up being more confident?

The whole complexity of the self is further enhanced by the works of the heart, where the gift of feelings are found. The heart plays a part in making the mind decisive or indecisive. Such are the works of feelings. Still, this doesn't call for ruthlessness, in whether should the mind operate in the absence of the heart! In the past philosophies, the dualism portrayed are just of the brain and the mind, but these days, we have more complications where the heart is involved - a trilism?

Knowing thyself can arrive to one in many ways. Some believe they are their own Gods and Devils in life. While another group believe in the existence of God, in knowing and helping themselves 50% and giving God's ruling another 50%. The other group believe in a 100% of the Will of God, where no matter how much one knows oneself, Thy Will will be done on earth.

In my opinion, all philosophical weavings in the past, the dire researches by Scientists, Philosphers, Wise Men and all alike, is to 'find the truth'. As a believer of God, the Holy Trinity is the truth, the way and the life. What makes life worth living for those who believe is the balance among an unwavering trust in God, the intervention of the Holy Spirit in one's mind and heart towards the sensitivity of knowing oneself and interactions with the world. All these within the 'self' could be meaningless without the obedience, and submission to the Sovereign. Instead of the secular trilism, perhaps we should include God and consider quatrolism?

If

2004-12-17T10:35:00.000+08:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

~~~~~~~~~~~Rudyard Kipling~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was inspired by this poem that Professor Diraja Ungku Abdul Aziz Ungku Abdul Hamid read to the attendees of his Seminar as a closing.

Standing tall, and filled with wisdom, the 82-year-old Professor Ungku Aziz was still able to draw the crowd's attention, and Malaysian Academicians, Politicians and Economists, even right down to those who are still at school level would look at him with open admiration.

As a prominent Malaysian Academician and Economist, he is soft-spoken, open-minded and humble. Given his royal background and all the monies in the world, he shares everything openly and honestly about things in life, in learning, his mistakes, how he learns from making things work - extremely skilled with giving analogies and drawing comparisons to everything that he presents.

Even school-going children and senior citizens could digest all that he says, and completely feel that learning is a neverending process. Malaysia needs more people like him to inspire it's future leaders.